There’s sexy, and then there’s unsanitary.
We’re skipping the Friday Ask Adri column today, because I’d like to discuss something else. It’s something a little twitchy, something best left unspoken in polite company, and something that I’m going to address anyway, thank you very much:
Rimming, also known as anilingus.
If you stop reading now, I won’t blame you. This is a sensitive topic for various reasons and you know, some people just don’t want to see certain aspects of sex discussed openly, gay or otherwise. Walk on, kiddos, and check back later when the DR Weekend Edition has pushed this post a little further down the page.
For those of you still around, whether out of interest or a bad case of train-wreck syndrome: this actually came up in conversation at about two o’clock this morning, talking about sex and relationships with a friend over some nasty but bracing coffee at the House of Pies down the street from my place. We were talking about exes, a topic that we’ve both had plenty of fodder for since we both recently broke up with our long-term boyfriends and I’ve had an older ex-boyfriend reappear out of the blue to send my emotional radar spiraling wildly out of control.
Naturally, when comparing exes, we’re going to talk about what he was like in bed. You know you do it, too; don’t look at me that way. I’m serious. I can purse up my lips and give you disapproving looks right back, and probably do it better than you can. Don’t mess with a boy when he’s feeling catty.
Aaaaanyway. As my friend was detailing his sexual exploits, he ended a particularly sordid tale with, “…and he always wanted me to - you know!”
“I know? I’m sorry, did this craptacular coffee make me clairvoyant and I missed the memo?”
“…you know. With my tongue. There.”
“Oh? OH. …………ewwwwwww.”
Despite what you may have come to believe about gay sex from watching porn (and then swearing you got it for “a friend”), rimming does not take place every time two men engage in intercourse with one another. Let’s face it, sex for any gender and any sexuality is a tricky thing when nature designed us with the playground and the sewers so firmly entrenched next to one another. Sanitation is always an issue, but it’s an especially sensitive one for gay men.
We might as well be blunt: we like to put things into a place that things normally come out of. In particular, things that the majority of us don’t particularly want to come in contact with. No matter how clean your partner keeps his nether regions, the anus is still a scary place…and honestly, it frightens me just how many of my past sexual partners have been willing to slide their tongues around there without even insisting on a good cleaning first.
Am I the only gay man grossed out by this? (All right, I know I’m not, my friend is as well…but we seem to be a small minority.) A penis can be protected by a condom, a finger by a latex glove, but I can’t exactly see someone sticking their tongue into a ziplock bag before they go diving in for a little lick. Frankly, I don’t want that in my mouth, and I don’t want it done to me; whatever pleasure might be derived from it is wholly overridden by the fact that I’m completely disgusted by the idea.
And yet past partners have actually been both surprised and insulted that not only did I not want it done to me, but I wasn’t willing to do it to them, either. I am by no means a prude; if you want to be adventurous in bed I’m your man, but asking me to have a nibble at the backdoor is where I draw the line. This doesn’t just involve the personal squick-factor. This is a matter of personal health and safety. Any number of bacteria and other offensive particles can be found in the anus, and I find it hard to think sexy when I think of licking a big steaming plate of e. coli. It’s bad enough that syphilis rates among gay and bisexual men are on the rise; do we really want to voluntarily risk our health any more?
There’s sexy and then there’s unsanitary, and I refuse to cross the line no matter how many times I’ve been pressured on it. What I wonder is how many men rim even when they’re bothered by the sanitation factor, for whatever reason - because they feel they have to to please a partner, because they think they might lose someone if they don’t, or because it’s considered common and therefore they think they shouldn’t have a problem with it. Hell, I even wonder if I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe it’s not so bad and I’m just being fussy and frigid.
Or maybe not.
So I’m asking you to weigh in - and not just the boys, either. Everyone. What do you think? Will you, or won’t you? Would you do it because you wanted to, or because you felt obligated? Have you felt pressure to do it in the past, or feel pressure to do it now?
Where do you stand on the matter of sexy vs. unsanitary?
Hygienically yours,
~Adri
P.S. In case you weren’t paying attention to the news yesterday, by the way: way to go, New Hampshire, and shame on you, Indianapolis.
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April 27th, 2007 at 8:20 am
I had a chat about this with my best friend in high school. He was a gay man who felt the pressure but thought it too unsanitary. It wasnt a conversation i was prepared for but had it all the same. Even us lesbians have those conversations and I myself have had a partner wanting me to rim and I just could not. I have no issue using the back door but with mouths thats something entirely different. Love my partner to pieces but there comes a time when you have to think about cleanliness before pleasure.
just this lil lady’s two cents.
April 27th, 2007 at 8:56 am
I feel… educated o_O
And grossed out xD
No way would I want to do that or have it done to me. Ewww. Just the thought gives me the shivers, and not in a good way.
April 27th, 2007 at 9:18 am
I’m obviously not a gay man, but I’ve always thought that rimming is really gross. I’m in culinary school and had to take a course in safe food-handling. When I think about all those food-borne illnesses you can get just from a food handler not washing his/her hands, I get a little queasy. (Also because I’ve had food poisoning and throwing up on the bus is so not fun.) So, putting a tongue into another person’s exit-only area? So, so very unsanitary that it defies description.
April 27th, 2007 at 9:52 am
I had actually been wondering what some gay men thought about this but I find it to be such an awkward question to bring up.
Rimming disturbs me slightly for the reasons that you’ve mentioned. I guess for me the chance of becoming ill would take any of the sexy factor out of it.
April 27th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
As a gay man (yes, there are actually some reading your column!), I have to say it falls under two categories for me; sexy in theory, squicky in practice. I’m a virgin as yet, and thus haven’t had any opportunities to put it into practice… I don’t think I can see it being something that would be done with any frequency, but I couldn’t rule it out, especially if special preparations were made beforehand.
April 27th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Absolutely not. Ever. No. Eww, ick, nasty, foul, total turn-off. You keep your mouth to yourself if you want to kiss me with it later, buster.
I’ve never been asked to do it or have it done to me, something for which I’m extremely grateful, because it would be the deal-breaker.
It’s unsanitary and absolutely not sexy. Just. . . no.
April 29th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
I totally agree. Even if it may feel good (wouldn’t know, never experienced it) the unsanitary nature makes even the idea squick. If i’m ever with someone who would want to do that, I’d turn them down and have to have a talk about it. I’m pretty sexually liberal, but that’s one place where I draw the line.
By the way… your column is definitely enjoyable to read. It’s good to hear your rants again (yeah, you may or may not remember me from elsewhere), and you do a great job with the advice column too.
~Sara
April 29th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Thanks for weighing in, everyone. Reynai, I’d be interested in hearing your input if you ever get to the point of experiencing it.
Sara! Hells yes I remember you, girl. It’s been a while. How’ve you been?
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Honestly it’s an activity I greatly enjoy, both giving and recieving…but I don’t do it with anyone unless I trusted them enough to bareback with them. Most of the health concerns aren’t terribly important, except for hepetitis and STDs. I’ve been vaccinated against hep, so I’m only worried about STDs, which is why I’d do it with someone I’d bareback. Most of the other stuff, like e.coli can be dealt with by giving the area a good cleaning with something anti-bacterial.
May 2nd, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Sorry for the double post, I post my opinions before I read other peoples (cause I like mine to really be my opinions, not reactions to the opinions of others). I noticed everyone who had something to say about it had never given it a try before. Reading your comments was a lot like reading the reactions of conservatives to the idea of any sort of anal sex. Yes, things can get icky, which is why personal hygene is important. But with proper and thorough washings things can be clean and fun. And trust me, if you like getting fingered you’d LOVE getting rimmed.
May 2nd, 2007 at 1:19 pm
That’s…not necessarily true. At the risk of airing my sex life a bit too much, I quite enjoy getting fingered, but rimming still turns me off wholly. I’ve been discussing it with my ex-boyfriend and he feels the same way.
It’s really a matter of personal preference, I think, and personal tolerance levels.