The other side of social isolation.
I hope you all had a lovely holiday/government-sanctioned day off of work yesterday; for the most part, I did. Christmas dinner yesterday went swimmingly, even if my mother just had to call before bed last night and make sure she said just the right things to ensure that the grand tradition of tears on Christmas continued for a 27th year. She still didn’t spoil dinner; nor did she entirely spoil my night, as an absolutely lovely man did a stunning job of cheering me up. Thank you.
Dinner began as just R, one of the Reds, and I. When it got around that I was cooking (and what I was cooking), suddenly it became R, Red, girl!R, girl!R’s girlfriend, C, and C’s girlfriend (and J stopped in later to get a nibble of what was left). I made rainbow trout stuffed with watercress and chestnuts, then wrapped in more watercress and baked in a white wine, lemon, and butter sauce, a spinach and cheese bake with pecans, lightly sweetened beer bread, baklava, and cinnamon and nutmeg cupcakes with whipped almond icing and little almond slivers on top. I was expecting to have leftovers. I wasn’t expecting to feed so many hungry mouths.
We had a generally good time; some of us got mildly tipsy, while R! and Red had enough sherry to end up lip-locked on my couch before passing out (and this morning, waking up with shrieks of “oh my god, I made out with a man!” “oh my god, I made out with a WOMAN!” Who needs to mess with glutamate when they have alcohol?). We watched Deja Vu (horrible film), chatted, and everyone except C’s girlfriend enjoyed themselves immensely.
C’s girlfriend sat in the corner, sulked, threw in nasty comments whenever she could, and demanded to leave over and over until C was forced to excuse himself before the film was even over lest she stab him with a fork. She’d been happy to come before, but wasn’t so pleased once she arrived. Why?
She was the only straight person there, and it made her uncomfortable.
Even C is bi; he just happened to fall for a woman this time. His girlfriend has always been nervous about his bisexuality, wondering if it meant he needed to fool around with men on the side and couldn’t be happy with just her, but for the most part she’s not homophobic - just a little sheltered and somewhat ignorant. She’s the kind who’ll ask an offensive question not out of a desire to be malicious, but because she really doesn’t understand and wants to learn.
Okay, she’s also a raging b*tch and I can’t stand her, but I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt here. She was being nasty, yes, but we did make her feel ostracized without meaning to. We talked about old same-sex partners, there were a few raunchy gay-themed in-jokes, we even talked GBLTQ politics over dinner, and those inclined to (read: everyone but me) talked gay gossip in TV and films as well as in our local community’s little circle. We didn’t mean for it to become a “gay old time”, pun intended, but since it was a common thread between us, it did dominate perhaps 30% of the conversation with other topics liberally sprinkled in - topics she could have joined in on, but that she was sulking too much to participate in.
When people started to notice that she was pouting and withdrawing, we asked if she was all right, made efforts to draw her out and cheer her up, but by then it was too late. Once we finished dinner and took dessert with us to watch TV, she’d retreated to a corner of the couch to hide behind C and refused to talk save for to lean over to whisper to him until, 20 minutes into the film, he abruptly stood up, apologized, and escorted her out. She spoke only to thank me for the lovely meal and then threw on a rather snottily-toned “and the hospitality” as an afterthought, glared at everyone, and then left.
We just sat there and stared at each other.
While it was her choice to behave brattily and I have zero tolerance for that, I couldn’t help but feel bad for her. How many times have I found myself in an uncomfortable situation as the only gay person there, in which many aspects of the conversation went beyond my realm of experience and I wasn’t comfortable joining in to add my own experiences? Hell, that’s one reason I avoid my family. Only one other person in the family (that we know of) is gay, and so at family reunions we inevitably find ourselves dealing with uncomfortable heterocentric questions about when we’re going to bring home an opposite-sex partner, or becoming the circus sideshow of the gathering with people interrogating us about our “lifestyle”. Gays everywhere deal every day with being the odd man out in a predominantly heterosexual society, and we all know how it is to feel utterly isolated even in a group of our peers.
So even if I can’t stand the girl, I felt horrible for turning around and doing the same to her.
Just as a thought exercise, I wrote a post about heterophobia quite some time ago. This situation wasn’t as extreme as the one described, but it was one in which a heterosexual person was left out of the loop and made to feel uncomfortable because she wasn’t “like us” - the same thing that heterosexuals do to us regularly, whether intentionally or unintentionally.
What could we have done to make her more comfortable? I don’t know. We could have avoided anything gay-oriented in our conversation, but then that deliberate stifling would have ruined the mood and made everyone uncomfortable. We can’t help that most of our friends are gay and thus the majority in any gathering will be gay, lesbian, or bisexual; we tend to cluster together just so we can avoid feeling ostracized among our heterosexual friends - so we can have somewhere where we are the norm and we don’t have to feel left out. It’s a vicious cycle of self-segregation that causes us to perpetuate the same social divisions that made us so uncomfortable in the first place.
Whether we realize it or not, we’re part of the problem.
I, for one, would love to try as many solutions as it takes to fix it.
No such thing as a flawless fricking Christmas, happy effin’ holidays, heterophobia, social isolation
Listen to DR Streaming Radio
December 26th, 2007 at 9:40 am
You really shouldn’t avoid that topic just to cater to her. The only thing you guys could have done differently (but that’s all hindsight anyway) is notice sooner that she was uncomfortable with the topic and then make her the lead in the conversation by asking her how she felt about all that, and if there was something she’d like to talk about.
But that was kind of her boyfriend’s job, you know… He should have seen her discomfort and guided her in the conversation.
Awesome cooking skills there, Adrien =) It sounds really delicious. Over here, Christmas is always stuffed turkey, but you guys have that in November, so I suppose you would have to find something else for Christmas =P
So, how many of your friends got you something anyway? Lord knows I would have bought you 2 presents just ’cause you said I couldn’t ^_^
December 26th, 2007 at 11:27 am
Interesting post as always. I’ve been meaning to write about this topic from my perspective for a while now - about how it felt to finally enter the gay community and how I felt that sense of inclusion that I’d been yearning for…and about how now all of a sudden I sometimes feel like a fish out of water when I’m with all my straight friends (funny, all of a sudden I have nothing to add to the constant discussions of straight sex)
Hmmm…maybe I’ll get writing!
December 26th, 2007 at 11:58 am
Glad you had a better christmas than I had.
On the subject of inclusion and such, I have to say that I don’t believe you did anything wrong there. Yes, she obviously felt left out and ignored, and many of the topics of conversation went above her head or beyond her… and I’ll probably make myself sound like a real dick by saying: So?
She’s a big girl. She ought to, by now, know how conversations and debates wrok, how to steer talk around to something you’re interested in talking to when you want, how to express disinterest in a topic without coming off as an idiot. And, most importantly, how to sit back and listen to people talking about things that you don’t understand and/or aren’t interested in without pouting and being a little whining child.
The world, and most definitely your dinner table, does not revolve around her. Not unless she’d really had a lot to drink, anyway. It doesn’t revolve around any of us. Not you or me. So sometimes, more often than others, we get shunted to the side or ignored in favor of things we don’t care a whit about. The same thing that happened to her? Happened to me at my pre-christmas dinner last Saturday. My cousin, who was the only person I was at all interested in spending time with, out of all the people there, got drawn into a talk with my brother about philosophy and theology, and quickly got deeply enough entrenched in talking about specialized information that I didn’t know half of what they were talking to. But you know, it happens. I deal with it.
December 26th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
*blush* Any time.
I think this is the first time you picked a topic where I draw a complete blank. Unfortunately, I don’t really have any gay friends (that I know of, can’t speak to whether some are just closeted) as The Ex kept all the friends. But, I would hope I can be sensitive enough to notice someone is left out with a topic and help them feel included.
And you can stop laughing about that “sensitive” bit now, Adri.
December 26th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Sihaya: Not a one. They’ve all learned from experience not to disobey me. (My, don’t I sound all high-and-mighty.) In this case, though, it’s more “Adri’s cooking and you don’t get to taste if you piss him off.” Their Christmas gift to me was spending the evening with me, and giving me the opportunity to cook (something I don’t do often anymore). That’s enough for me; I’d rather my friends spent their money on better things than silly trinkets for me.
Around the US, it’s usually duck or ham (or turducken, abomination that the poor chimera is) for Christmas. I won’t eat anything that comes from a pig save for well-done bacon, and I have no idea how to prepare duck - but I’m a wizard with fish, so fish it was.
Backtracking to another comment you made to a previous post, about your cursing in English: surely, my dear, you aren’t implying that I’m a bad influence on you? I’m a fragile f**king flower of the South; I don’t use such foul words.
Jen: Let us know when you do. I’d love to read it.
Reynai: While it wasn’t our responsibility to accommodate for her lack of social graces, mainly I just felt bad for her because I’ve been the odd gay out and actually haven’t felt safe shifting a heterocentric conversation in a direction more in line with my leanings, and she might have felt the same way. Though mostly she was just being a snot.
Hikaru: Me? Laugh at you? I’d never do that. Really. Honestly. You may want to move unless you want to get zapped by any stray lightning.
Y’know, you could’ve just saved yourself a teeny bit of embarrassment by not publicly acknowledging that the unnamed man was you. ~laughs~ (Oh, whoops, did I just laugh at you? Crap, quick, where can I ground myself…)
You need more gay friends. Just on principle, and because I want to see you go grey from the drama involved. I may have to take it on myself to remedy this…~smiles innocently~
December 26th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Well, I was trying to be sneaky about acknowledging it, but now you just shouted it out to the world.
And I already have a sinking suspicion (reinforced after seeing my family at Christmas) that I’ll be balding by 40, so I don’t want to chance the grey, too. Then again, Patrick Stewart pulls it off and looks damn hot…
December 26th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
…that was neither sneaky nor subtle, Hikaru. ~laughs~ Trust me. I didn’t shout out anything you didn’t.
~flat look~ You aren’t Patrick Stewart. Now maybe if you could pull off the fully-bald thing like Vin Diesel…
…shouldn’t you be working right now?
December 26th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
Nope, too busy driving and replying to you to work.
December 26th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
~sniffs~ Fine. Ass. Go ahead and crash, see if I care.
December 26th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
Okay, for you Adri, I’ll stop.
December 26th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
…lies. Bloody lies, all of it.
December 26th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Well, I hear you act the diva if I spoil you too much.
December 26th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
*randomly sings Christmas Carols*
December 26th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
*was going to make a lengthy comment, but is now enthralled in the conversation between Adri and Kujo*
I don’t feel left out, as I can still appreciate some heterosexuality despite me being a lesbian, I make the jokes, the comments, everything. But I can understand where you’re coming from clearly.
Yesterday I was so bored at my grams place, sitting there for 3 hours while my two cousins and aunt(not their mother) built a 3D globe puzzle. I’m not sure if you’ve seen them, but they’re rather interesting…I continued to try and strike up conversation. About books, movies, music…Hairspray(You can’t stop the beat!). I love the movie…*hides soundtrack*
Describing what you ate made me drool…My christmas dinner consisted of wild berry flavored gatorade, lemon flavored hot cheetos, and some candy and teddy grahams folowed by LOTS of water…Yes, despite my having over 200 dollars in cash…my dinner consisted of junk food. Not even GOOD junk food…*sighs sadly*
December 26th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
i totally just commented! where did it go..?!
December 26th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
oh crap! i’m so sorry about posting all this! it didn’t show up before now! sorry sorry sorry! *bestows upon you riches in apology for my mistakes*
December 26th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
~bites back a laugh~ The Akismet spam filter is still being evil; even my comments don’t go through, and I’m logged in with almost full admin privileges. I have to go in and manually fish comments out of the spam dump for everyone, so there’s a delay any time you post. I usually catch everything pretty quickly. I’ve sent a support ticket to the 451 Press tech desk, but they haven’t had a chance to get to it yet. Don’t worry about the multiple posts. You couldn’t have known it was still on the fritz.
~raises a brow~ …so are we putting on an interesting show? And yikes, that’s not a healthy dinner, Lynn.
December 26th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
I do birthdays and picnics, too. Just call my agent.
December 26th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
For an extra fifty, he’ll even striptease. ~hides~
December 26th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
No pigs? But pigs are so tasty… of course so are fish. Eh.
And yeah. Awkward times by all.
I think it’s going to be an issue for her boyfriend and her to work out; he either needs to gently introduce her to the topics that he talks about with friends, or more likely just make time for her AND you and make a balance. Or she can suck it up and try to deal with it (which usually ends in either drama or a situation similar to the “gentle introduction” mentioned above)
It’s not only about homosexuality. Anyone can feel ostracized if they’re somehow different, or have different interests from the rest of the group. Trying to “turn” the conversation may or may not work, depending on the social adeptness of the participants (I may be biased on this; most people I hang out with are so inept it’s funny)
December 26th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
*hides my blush as i smile* well I like to watch people, and the more interesting they are, the more I like them. So, yes, I suppose you ARE putting on a good show. ^^
December 26th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
For Adri, $50. Everyone else is $200.
December 26th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Well, do I get a discount if I make a video for you? I’ve got highly rated videos on youtube *nods* I’m very proud of them!
December 26th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
Well, Lynn, that might work. I’m not a huge fan of the female form, but a number of you still do it for me. But I don’t know if it’s a fair trade. Adri almost agreed to offer more for a video of me baking in a frilly pink apron.
December 26th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
Let it be known that I only let that pass through the spam filter on principle, rather than pulling the “I’m an evil website dictator who deletes any comments he doesn’t like” thing.
With that said:
I’m going to bloody well kill you.
December 26th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
Well, I’m a poor 16 year old hispanic, lesbian girl living in a suck-arse city…I haven’t got a lot to offer! And I’m so bored to boot…
Aww, Adri…haven’t we learned that murder isn’t the key to solving everything..?
Perhaps insane torture…my favorite is the iron chair! ^^
I just totally enjoyed that special on torture devices on the History Channel
December 26th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
There is no torture painful enough. ~growls~ I never almost agreed to - he said - and then I hoped he wasn’t serious, and then he wasn’t, and - KILL.
December 26th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
*pulls out The Pear* I’m sure this might make someones skin crawl…though I’m not sure if I’m at liberty to explain what it does.
So I won’t! But, I’ll explain what it’s shaped like and what it can do. It’s shaped like a pear, with a little lever on it, and when the lever is turned, the wide part of the pear opens.
Imagine putting your hand in a folded paper bag and then making it bigger. That’s what the pear does…to people, usually it was used on homosexuals or women who committed adultery.
December 26th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
“I’ve sent a support ticket to the 451 Press tech desk, but they haven’t had a chance to get to it yet.”
They have. They just didn’t want to. =)
December 26th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
You make it so enjoyable to poke fun at you, but there’s no need for violence. Sorry, Adri.
December 26th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Hmph. Okay, I won’t kill you. Yet. (…at least not with that pear thing, I’ve seen video simulations of what it can do…) But you owe me.
December 26th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
Yay! non-violence! *happy dance*
December 27th, 2007 at 1:16 am
But-but-but violence is fun like candy. Don’t you like candy?