Darkside Rainbow

I was going to save this piece for later, but since Kim asked about it in the comments to this entry, I thought I’d bump it up the timeline a bit. Her question:

I have a follow-up - or maybe a different question for a similar situation. I’m curious if you would have any advice for the parent who wouldn’t be upset if their child is gay, but wants to make sure the child knows they can talk to them about it?

For example - let’s say a parent is suspicious their daughter might be a lesbian - how should that parent let the child know it’s okay to “come out” to them without saying, “Come out to me!” - because - what if the parent is wrong?

A good way to avoid making your child feel pressured and possibly making a wrong assumption is to simply talk to them about sexuality the same way you should talk to them about sex: in an open, friendly, informative fashion in the hopes of educating them. I honestly don’t remember if my parents ever had the birds-’n-bees talk with me, but from what I understand it’s something many parents tackle by taking their kids out for a burger, ice cream, or some other enjoyable and distracting food/activity in order to ease an uncomfortable conversation.

Talk to them about the differences in sexuality; teach them that not everyone is exactly the same, and that not only is it socially acceptable, it’s normal. Even if your child is straight despite your suspicions, you’ll be doing them a good turn by teaching them at an early age to keep an open mind and accept others.

The critical thing is to make sure that your child knows that you are aware of teenage sexuality issues without outright asking them about their sexuality - and most importantly, make sure that your child knows that you’re open to discussion and accepting of anything that they might say. You can tell them that they can ask you if they have any questions without ever actually questioning their sexuality; phrase it in the context of asking about friends, or any neutral way that you’d like.

It’s key not to put pressure on them about it; even if they get the idea that you’d be completely cool with them being gay, straight, bi, tri, or anything else you can think of, at first they’re going to be a bit skittish about talking to you about this. You’re a parental unit. No kid wants to talk about sex with a parental unit. Hell, I’m bloody 27 and I still only talk about sex with my mother to get her to change the subject and stop asking me uncomfortably pointed questions.

It’s also important to set an everyday example, even when you aren’t having “The Talk” with your kids. More than a one-time talk, your words and actions in everyday life will make apparent your stance towards GBLTQ issues, whether you’re discussing the latest fluff over gay marriage in the news or having a gay or lesbian friend over for lunch without feeling the need to shelter your kids from the discussion if they happen to be in earshot and it turns to the topic of a same-sex partner (as long as it’s not too risque for their PG-13 ears, of course). You don’t have to go out of your way, like suddenly taking it upon yourself to host a Gay and Lesbian Benefit in your living room (unless you really want to…), but by not avoiding those topics in daily life you can lead by example and let your children grow comfortable with the concrete idea of their parent as a tolerant and accepting person.

This is an issue where you’ll have to trust your child to come to you - but there’s a lot you can do to pave the way to make the journey easier for them.

coming out, teenage sexuality, parenting, parenting gay kids, gay and lesbian, gay children, lesbian children, gay teenagers, lesbian teenagers, talking to your kids, tolerance, sex and sexuality, homosexuality