Darkside Rainbow

Are you out and proud, or just out and loud? Being openly gay takes courage, confidence, and determination in a society currently divided by issues that revolve around the GBLTQ community, but even when you’re proud of your open stance it’s still possible to take things too far. Do you represent the gay community with class and sass, or is your behavior so obnoxious that we’ll just have to pass?

All right, I’ll leave the rhymes for those more talented with verse and address the real issue. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been to gay events and actually been embarrassed by the behavior of my cohorts - not because it was too “out there”, but because it was below the standards of decent public behavior that I’d expect out of anyone - gay, straight, bi, tri, whatever label you want to apply to yourself. Have we become so obsessed with saying “I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it” that we’ve forgotten how to act like mature, responsible human beings?

This issue comes up after Jamie’s comments to this post, wondering:

“My only question on the whole thing is why do some gays push the issue of being gay into everyones face? Its ranked right up there with the [Jehova's witnesses] that knock on your door.”

If I were anyone else I might have been offended by that question, but after sitting back and thinking about it I have to concede that she has a point. While we should never, ever be ashamed of who we are and we should always be willing to have the courage to put ourselves out there to be publicly, unflinchingly gay…there’s a delicate balance between courage and diplomacy, and a hell of a balancing act to keep both measured out equally so that courage doesn’t tip the scale down too heavily to dip into the sinking waters of obnoxiousness.

It’s a very fine line to walk, and a very tricky issue to even discuss. On one hand, if we aren’t loud and visible, people will never acknowledge that we exist, that we deserve recognition, and that we are valid and functioning members of society. On the other hand, how are we ever to be accepted as normal - just as normal as heterosexuals - if we’re constantly proclaiming and demonstrating how different we are from everyone else, with deliberate emphasis on the difference and public behavior that ranges from tacky to downright indecent?

This Catch 22 situation is one that faces us all, and unfortunately there’s no strict guideline that tells us when it’s okay to be flagrantly, aggressively out there, and when it’s not. If I’m with a group of straight people discussing their spouses and significant others, I’m not going to hold back from saying “my boyfriend” in joining in the discussion (or I wouldn’t if I had one, but the search for Mr. Right is a whole other issue that we’ll talk about some other day); it’s perfectly acceptable in heterosexual society for someone to mention their mate offhand and for it to be accepted without even a blink, and so I feel that I should have the same right to do so and that they should be able to just take it in stride. If I’m out with a group of my straight friends and we’re getting into a raging political debate at 3 a.m. in that dingy all-hours coffee shop that I can’t for the life of me figure out why we’re so enamored of, I’m not going to say “they” deserve equal rights when the topic of gay marriage comes up. I’m going to say that we deserve equal rights. I won’t hide who I am.

But at the same time, if I’m hanging out with a friend’s family (or even with my family, though that’d be a joke), I’m not going to interrupt a discussion about the latest movies to say, “So which movie stars do you think are gay? Because I’m gay. I think more movie stars should come out of the closet.” Do you see the difference there? On one hand, there’s topical relevance. On the other hand, there’s forcing one’s sexuality into a conversation that really didn’t require it, and making people mildly uncomfortable just because you felt the need to spotlight your sexuality.

And really, their discomfort has nothing to do with the fact that you’re attracted to the same sex. It has to do with the fact that you’re interjecting your sexual preferences where they aren’t appropriate, and they’d be just as uncomfortable if a straight person did it. It’s just as much of a social faux paus if a straight person were to say, “My girlfriend likes it doggie style” in the middle of an informal meeting to plan the company picnic as it would be for a gay person to say the same about his boyfriend or her girlfriend.

Don’t be ashamed to be who you are, but understand that being openly gay doesn’t give you the right to flout all social conventions to the point of being rude and offending people not by your sexuality, but by your grossly unacceptable behavior. You’re not making a stand, and you’re not making a point. You’re making an arse out of yourself, and out of the rest of us.

And I don’t want you making me look bad. Have a little dignity and self-respect.

There is more to you than your sexuality. Even if all I talk about is GBLTQ issues here because of the topic of this blog, there’s more to me than my sexuality. I’m an aspiring novelist who likes writing at 3 a.m., when even this busy city is silent and it feels like everyone’s holding their breaths and waiting for magic. I love to go running before dawn. I’m the most painfully shy cocksure jerk you’ll ever meet. I love Peggy Lee and scenes set in smoky gangster-era lounges. My bedroom is strung up with silly electric versions of Chinese paper lanterns because I think they’re cute. I love the scent of vanilla, and I wish like hell that I could paint with traditional media although I can’t control a brush to save my life. I love cooking, but won’t eat anything with pork in it and can barely stand to touch chicken. I’m scared to death of of even harmless garden spiders but won’t even blink at a poisonous snake. My cat owns me with utter dominance. I’m addicted to Square-Enix’s Final Fantasy games, and they’re the reason I went to art school - to learn computer animation. I’d rather eat cereal dry out of the box than in a bowl with milk. I still love to watch Disney cartoons, but love even more to curl up in the dark and let a scary film frighten me silly.

Oh yeah. And sometimes, when I’m watching those scary films, I like to have a nice guy there to snuggle with and hold my hand during the truly cringe-worthy parts.

All of those random, silly, trivial facts…when people look at me, I want them to see all of those things. All of those things that make me who I am with my sexuality included as part of the whole, and not just a big label that says “gay, and constantly reminding you of it”.

Fight the good fight. But fight it with respect both for yourself, and for others. Later you can look back and be proud that not only were you not ashamed to be publicly gay, but you aren’t now ashamed of how you acted on it.

gay rights, coming out, openly gay, family issues, gay family, gay behavior