Not exactly the comic hijinks of “Junior”.
Fellow 451 Press writer Randi Morse of Brad Pitt Watch recently tipped me off to an article about a young transman, Thomas Beatie, and his wife, who are soon expecting a new baby - a daughter, to be exact.
The news here?
Out of necessity caused by the wife’s inability to conceive due to medical issues, the infant was conceived through artificial insemination and will be carried to term inside the husband’s womb.
I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised that many of my fellow 451 Press-ers were shocked, disconcerted, or downright confused; one even said that the child should never know that her father gave birth to her that way, as it might confuse her - a stance I disagree with vehemently, although I respect the writer enough to know that she has valid reasons for that opinion, and respect her right to that opinion.
To me, this didn’t seem so odd - but then again, I’m biased. 60% of my extended circle of acquaintances and a couple of my closer friends are transmen or transwomen, so I’m quite used to the gender-bending oddities that happen when their gender identities clash with their birth anatomy. I’ve had to be the “wing man” escorting a transguy into the men’s bathroom for the first time so he wouldn’t get nervous and run, and to warn him if anyone came in who might notice that the feet associated with the tinkling in the stall were turned in the opposite direction. I even know a gay transman who stopped his hormones so he could conceive a child by his biologically male partner, so they could have a baby that was part of both of them. It didn’t phase me. Hell, I even sent him to a trans-friendly physician; my doctor works at the local GBLTQ clinic and is pretty open to most things, so I figured he wouldn’t have a problem with dealing with a pregnant transman. I was right. And my friend was lucky.
This young man and his wife, however, have had to deal with hell.
Doctors have discriminated against us, turning us away due to their religious beliefs. Health care professionals have refused to call me by a male pronoun or recognize Nancy as my wife. Receptionists have laughed at us. Friends and family have been unsupportive; most of Nancy’s family doesn’t even know I’m transgender.
This whole process, from trying to get pregnant to being pregnant, has been a challenge for us. The first doctor we approached was a reproductive endocrinologist. He was shocked by our situation and told me to shave my facial hair. After a $300 consultation, he reluctantly performed my initial checkups. He then required us to see the clinic’s psychologist to see if we were fit to bring a child into this world and consulted with the ethics board of his hospital. A few months and a couple thousand dollars later, he told us that he would no longer treat us, saying he and his staff felt uncomfortable working with “someone like me.”
“Someone like me.” And yet someone like him was perfectly good enough to take a few thousand dollars from while stringing them along, wasn’t he?
It’s amazing how cruel people can be out of ignorance and misunderstanding. I know it’s a struggle to deal with concepts like this; I was confused by it at first myself, and have only come to really understand through good friendships and years of exposure to the point where it’s quite commonplace. But I can’t believe that anyone would deny this couple the right to have a child that’s at least partly their own through the means they have available. It isn’t Thomas’s fault that he was born with a body unsuited to him, and had to take what measures he could to be comfortable in his skin. And it isn’t his fault that he and his wife took advantage of the resources they had available in order to build a family.
Transpeople, just like gay people, straight people, bisexual people…all have the right to build a family to nurture and love. I don’t know the words to explain how much it upsets me to see doctors letting their personal religious values obstruct their medical ethics and basic human compassion, denying Thomas and his wife that right to a family. They could adopt, yes - but why should they have to, when this alternative is available? If Thomas feels secure enough to do this, why do people scorn and deride him? Are traditional male/female values and perceptions so important to the root functions of society that people can’t put their preconceptions and stereotypes aside long enough to be happy for the couple that they even have the ability to do this?
I know, gender is defined by biology. A penis is a penis and a vagina is a vagina, and if you have one or the other then you can’t deny that it exists. It’s part of reproduction and it’s a hard fact that people, whether trans or not, have to live with. Transwomen can change their biology much more easily than transmen, due to modern surgical techniques; they can’t reproduce, but they can at least create functional, cosmetically acceptable sexual organs. Transmen aren’t so lucky. Modern surgery hasn’t caught up to them just yet, so while transwomen can work their way past the “gender defined by biology” thing, most transmen can’t. But they live as best they can, and do the most they can - and they can’t be blamed for that. All they can do is be happy with their efforts and hope for social acceptance, because it’s better than doing nothing at all and living miserably as someone they don’t want to be. For them gender isn’t just biology; it’s chemistry and psychology, part of the mental chemicals that define us, our personalities, as male, female, or other. Most people don’t understand that, and don’t understand that the limitations enforced on them don’t make them any less male.
It’s not just society in general, though. Even Thomas’s brother had something unpleasant to say about his first attempt at pregnancy:
When I finally got pregnant for the first time, I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy with triplets. It was a life-threatening event that required surgical intervention, resulting in the loss of all embryos and my right fallopian tube. When my brother found out about my loss, he said, “It’s a good thing that happened. Who knows what kind of monster it would have been.”
I’m no obstetrician, but I’ve done a little reading on ectopic pregnancies, trying to see if it was possible for a baby to be born deformed from one and thus validate his brother’s comments a little more beyond callous cruelty. Unfortunately…no. An ectopic pregnancy will either resolve itself and result in a healthy birth, or has to be ended via medicinal or surgical means. Either a healthy baby is born, or none at all.
So Thomas’s brother is just an asshole.
If no one else will say “good for you, Thomas and Nancy”, then I will. I think it’s goddamned amazing that the pair can do something like this, and no, I don’t think it invalidates Thomas’s masculinity in the slightest. Hell, he could be seen as being the typical man: Mr. Fix-It, using the tools he has available to fix a problem rather than bringing in outside help. They’re fighting to create a family. I think that’s pretty damned awesome.
I’m not even a family person. I recently just told my family to go to hell yet again because my mother wanted to bring me home and set up viewings for me like I was some kind of sideshow freak, with approved lists of people who were allowed in to see the gay in his cage. I don’t want a family of my own. No children, no husband, though I wouldn’t mind a serious significant other. Traditional family units make me twitch in distaste at the wholesomeness and leave a bit of the taste of old Malt-O-Meal fermenting in the back of my throat. But I’m pushing that aside to hope beyond hope that Thomas and Nancy can build a stable, normal family, raise their daughter happily, and just by achieving that, give the f*cking finger to everyone who laughed at them or held them back.
thomas and nancy beatie, pregnant transman, male pregnancy, gender dysphoria, transgenders, transsexuals, mtf, ftm, m2f, f2m, gender identity disorder, yes I’m doing real tags for once
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March 28th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I saw a CNN video posted to the GSA group on LJ that…it made me sick they way that an organization as respected as CNN, people with that much gravitas, can run around like douchebags shoving pictures of Thomas in the faces of his neighbors like that. They’re practically begging them for a bad reaction, using shock to get TV like the assholes at TMZ, scumbags that they are.
Link: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=f62_1206665100
March 28th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
I’ll say it too - good for you, Thomas and Nancy! I’ll light a candle and say a prayer that their baby is born healthy.
I wish people would understand that a baby with a happy, loving family is more important than gender or sexual orientation.
March 28th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Wow, that’s awesome! I do a little inner cheer every time anyone from the LGBT community says “screw you society” and has a child anyway.
Probably because I know chances are the child will have a happier life, but mostly because it means there’s another child in the world who will grow up being accepting of all of life’s different spectrums, even when society will only acknowledge one half.
I also don’t find it strange at all that it is the father giving birth. I imagine that if I was Nancy, and I wanted to start a family, I would encourage my husband to do the same. The nine months of pregnancy are rather insignificant compared to the many, many years of joy that child will bring them.
March 28th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I will also say congratulations to them. If I wanted a baby, but could not biologically do so, I would like it to be related to my husband, at least. Adoption is also another great option, but that doesn’t mean Tom and Nancy don’t have a right to biological children, if they choose.
March 29th, 2008 at 1:17 am
I think it’s wonderful that they have the option and are pursuing their desire to have a child. Good for them!
March 29th, 2008 at 2:10 am
I’ve never posted here before, but this is one of those topics I just can’t let pass without commenting.
I agree. Good for Thomas and Nancy. I don’t understand how this is any more radical than paying an uninterested third party to carry one’s fertilized egg (which may or may not be genetically fully the couple’s) and “hatching” it for them. They aren’t even involving a third party, at least not any more than *any* couple does when they go to a doctor to get pre-natal care and advice.
(…. Excuse me, I just pulled out a section of text that developed from a vented argument against a co-worker in my office. They were reading over my shoulder and they said something really stupid. I think I just fed them their liver. However, no point in posting the text of it here, unless someone just wants to be entertained by the scathing nature of it. :p )
Anyway, go Thomas, go Nancy. Good luck.
March 29th, 2008 at 7:16 am
This is one of the most romantic things I’ve ever heard, in my opinion =)
I bet this little girl will be very very happy when she grows up. With parents who are willing to go through all that to bring her into the world… she’s lucky.
March 29th, 2008 at 9:51 am
I absolutely agree in the fact that the physicians should never have treated the couple that way. Doctors are supposed to value and respect human life and not let their beliefs get in the way - and if they did have strong beliefs about it, they should have said so in the first place without stringing the couple along.
I guess I’m in the minority here, because while I do not absolutely object to the idea, it is a bit confusing to me. What is the point, after all, of gender reassignment surgery if you are going to have a baby anyway? A man who undergoes sugery to become a woman can not have a child.
Again, this doesn’t mean that I object entirely to it, but it is hard to grasp. I also deal a lot with children as a licensed foster parent, and know how children can easily be damaged, and I’ll be the first to say that any couple who can raise a child in love and good health should have a child…but I’m still a bit confuzzled about this one.
March 29th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Randi, I think it’s less about the gender reassignment and more about that’s simply how much they wanted a child of their own. Thomas simply had an avenue of choice that most men do not have, and after weighing the options, they decided to give it a try. He’s willing to not only go through the ridicule, but also to pause the reassignment that he viewed as something he really wanted, perhaps even needed, to do.
What parent *doesn’t* go through things they normally wouldn’t for their children? For Nancy and Thomas, it’s just a choice they made a bit earlier than most parents do.
March 29th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I cannot help but think transgender or gay couples who have to go through these kinds of things just to have a child, will certainly not take the child for granted.
All of my friends come from traditional families, and at least 80% have not had a “happy childhood” at all.
Sometimes I think every couple who wants to reproduce should be forced to show their determination to the extent that Thomas and Nancy have.
March 30th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Randi: You ask “what’s the point” as if he set out to transition with this in mind, and I sincerely doubt that he did. He most likely didn’t even think about the possibility of giving birth later on when he decided he had to take necessary steps to become male. The thing is, from what I’ve learned, surgical processes can take anywhere from a few months to several decades, depending on the financial situation of the FtM and the availability of services - so while he still has ovaries and a uterus now, he may have been planning to have them removed later before this came up and he changed his mind in order to have a family by the best means available to them through their unique situation. Hell, he may not even have been able to; physicians tend to object strongly to performing hysterectomies on anyone of childbearing age, whether they identify as male or female, as long as their reproductive organs are healthy. My friend Jason had to beg for six years before he could find a doctor who’d perform his hysterectomy, and then it was only granted because his doctor said he was getting towards the edges of safe childbearing age. We definitely live in a society where your ability to reproduce trumps your personal decisions, but…eh.
So it’s not really as cut and dried as all that. I doubt he woke up one day and said “I’m going to transition, but keep my female reproductive system intact so I can make a baby one day.” Things just happened as they happened. So he hasn’t really invalidated the point of transitioning at all.
March 31st, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Well, at least the women who complain that men are wimps who could never handle the pain of giving birth to a baby can’t anymore, because Thomas is going to be proving them wrong big time.
[As will Adri's transman friend. Or has. How is he and his partner doing?]
Congratulations to both happy couples!
Not to trivialize the subject, but sometimes it helps to be a scifi geek. After Ursula LeGuin’s Left Hand of Darkness (”The king was pregnant”) and countless male pregnancy fan fiction stories, this story is just so…normal. Some people really need to expand their minds.
P.S. Thomas’ brother is a jerk.
April 2nd, 2008 at 12:06 am
[...] you, could you, should you? by Adrian Hutchinson Thomas Beatie has been on my mind a lot lately, mainly because I’ve been wondering what I would do in his [...]
April 4th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Anji sent me this link.
I think it’s a beautiful decision he’s taken to give them both a child; a decision that must take a lot of courage and should be respected.
But how terrible for them to have to be the trailblazers for something which I imagine we’ll hear of happening more often in future. I saw the Letterman clip and it reminded me of the days when a comedian could go on TV and make racist comments and get laughs. Free speech laws notwithstanding, I was shocked that the network doesn’t have any code of conduct. Wait, silly me… expecting ethics from television. :/