It’s different when it’s your own.
I’ve heard the phrase “It’s different when it’s your own” a dozen times, mainly related to my adamant refusal to ever breed. I don’t have the patience or mindset required to raise children; they can be cute, and I don’t mind the little monkeys as long as I can give them back to their rightful owners at the end of an appointed time, but I don’t want any of my own. I’d make a bad father, and so in the best interests of any potential children, I shall not be siring or adopting any offspring who might be traumatized by my poor childrearing skills - ever. And yet when this comes up in discussion, proud parents always tell me, “I felt the same way that you did, but it’s different when it’s your own”. Sometimes I feel like they’re trying to convert me to the dark side, or with their insistence, drag me into the Hive collective. “We are Borg. Resistance is futile. It’s different when it’s your own.”
Everything’s different when it’s your own. Things that might be a killing offense are forgivable when it’s your own. The screaming apparently isn’t so obnoxious when it’s your own. The complete and total loss of free time doesn’t matter when it’s your own. The diapers don’t stink as badly when it’s your own.
Everything’s different when it’s your own, including how you feel about gay and lesbian rights for anyone’s children.
San Diego Mayor Reverses Stand, Now Supports Gay Marriage - 365gay.com
(San Diego, California) The mayor of the nation’s eighth-largest city abruptly reversed his public opposition to same-sex marriage late Wednesday after revealing that his adult daughter is a lesbian.
Mayor Jerry Sanders signed a City Council resolution supporting a legal fight to overturn California’s prohibition on same-sex marriage. He had previously said he would veto the resolution.
Sanders, a former police chief and a Republican, told reporters that he could no longer support the position he took during his mayoral campaign two years ago, when he said he favored civil unions but not full marriage rights for same-sex couples.
I kind of have mixed feelings on this. On one hand, I’m glad that Mayor Sanders (no relation, thank you) was open enough to his daughter’s sexuality to be willing to change his views over it. Many parents who oppose gay and lesbian rights will reject their children, often cruelly, no matter how much they love them. Sanders didn’t. Instead he took large steps in accepting and understanding his daughter, her sexuality, and her right to equal rights. You have to commend him for that.
On the other hand, I hate that human beings are so narrow that something has to affect us personally before we’re willing to consider how it affects others. Why should it only matter when it’s your child? Why are gays and lesbians only deserving of equal rights now that your child is among them? Jerry Sanders cares now that it’s his daughter - but every lesbian is someone’s daughter. Every gay man is someone’s son. We’d do well to remember that, when facing issues of equality in any arena, issues where someone is denied a particular right due to skin color, country of origin, gender, sexuality - issues of civil rights. What if it was our child, brother, sister, parent - would we feel the same way then that we do now, or would we change our stance because it directly affects someone that we care about?
[sigh] Maybe I need to stop being so cynical. After all, the man did have a change of heart - and from reading the full article, apparently a sincere one. I suppose sometimes it is different when it’s your own. When it’s your own, you fully understand the impact of your beliefs.
When it’s your own, you’re forced to care, whether you want to or not.
We are a selfish species, aren’t we.
mayor jerry sanders, san diego california, gay rights, gay and lesbian marriage, gay civil unions
September 21st, 2007 at 5:13 am
I’m afraid it’s a very common thing to change your mind when you experience something first hand - even if only because you couldn’t empathise with it before.
The same thing happened here not too long ago, when the number of years you could get help in school and adult life for authism doubled when one of the ministers had a child with authism… We’re a curious bird.
And I know how you feel about people wanting to lure you to the dark side. Almost no one understands why I don’t want kids, and they try to convince me that ‘it’s not so bad’. My family will be affected by all this hereditary crap for all of my life, I don’t want to do it to any children I might have, too. But apparently that’s no reason. Because you can ‘get it out’ if you raise them the right way.
Just like you can ‘get’ homosexuality ‘out’ if you try hard enough.
There’s absolutely no reason to stop being cynical about humanity. Even I do it sometimes.
September 21st, 2007 at 7:28 am
My husband’s family is very conservative catholic. But there are about a million of them and I’m always surprised that with those odds, no one is (openly) gay. And I’ve often wondered if his family would loosen their views if someone in the family (everyone is very close all million of them) would openly admit they were gay.
But you’re right. Where that might finally open their eyes, isn’t it also sad that it has to be like that? Yes - any “Come to the Light” moment that brings someone on the proper side of the debate is appreciated - but if lesbian daughter would change their mind, shouldn’t they recognize that every lesbian has a mother and father?
Interested point, as usual, Adri.
September 22nd, 2007 at 6:47 am
Hmmm . . . my comment after a night to think about it? I would probably kill my own children–or myself. Whichever seemed most convenient at the time. I definitely wouldn’t chase the buggers (if I were to have any) down if it were easier to grab a knife and do myself in. Seriously, I will NOT be having children. Even when I’m maudlin and WANT them, I know better. It’s a good thing I can’t get preggie (cysts), and I don’t intend to adopt unless my partner is as able to stay at home as I am–so he/she can do most of the chasing. I have enough trouble keeping up with a lazy dog. I don’t know where I’d get the energy for one (or more) children. I admire people who can do it. But I don’t want to be one of them.
September 22nd, 2007 at 11:00 am
Amy, I don’t think that was actually the point of this post.
September 22nd, 2007 at 5:12 pm
I don’t think it’s that off topic… We’re here to talk about what the main post makes us think and feel, after all…