I believe the word I want is “culo”.
I know I said I wouldn’t be back until Monday, but I had to take a break from working on my articles to share this.
This morning in Wal-Mart, I got my a** pinched by some random little Hispanic rent-a-tart.
I swear to gods, every time I go into that store is an utterly surreal experience. The stories I could tell…
This time I was quite calmly perusing the men’s grooming section, trying to pick out a decent rotary shaver for under $100 and completely lost in my own world, when I heard a simpering murmur of “aiy, Papi” and suddenly felt the sharp sting of two fingers doing a quick topographical survey of my nether regions and possibly trying to snatch a sample of topsoil for further study (he pinched hard; that hurt!). I nearly jumped out of my skin, whirled around, and there was this tarted-up little culo, smiling at me like I’d just told him he’d won Diana Ross’s part in a Broadway adaptation of Lady Sings the Blues.
I admit that at first, I had no idea what to say. No witty retorts tripped off my tongue; no scathing remarks cut him down to size. I was too flabbergasted that I’d just been groped by a total stranger in the supermarket, all while minding my own business.
“Did you think that was cute?” I managed, amazed irritation dripping from every word. He actually batted his eyelashes at me.
I sh*t you not. I felt like I was dealing with a cross between RuPaul and Scarlett O’Hara.
“I think you’re cute, Papi.”
I suppose I should have been flattered. Instead I was just aggravated by the most crass, trashy, tasteless pickup attempt I’ve experienced in years, even if you have to give the boy credit for having the balls to pull something like that with a completely unknown entity. I guess he saw what he wanted, and he went for it. That takes courage. It’s also annoying as hell.
When I’m annoyed, I get a little caustic. Especially with uninvited physical contact.
“Mmkay.” I crooked my finger at him, beckoning him closer. “C’mere. I need to know you’re listening to me. You listening?”
He wiggled - yes, wiggled, I swear he made me look as straight as Chuck Norris - closer and smiled up at me, admittedly rather sweetly, and lisped, “Si, Papi, I’m listening.”
“Good.” I mustered the best smile I could, which probably looked more like a pained grimace. “Because I want to make sure you understand: if you ever touch me again, I will break your sh*t off. Mmkay, pumpkin?” Now granted, I stole that line from Alex Hitchins, but it was extraordinarily useful in that situation.
He pouted. I grabbed the Norelco I’d been eyeing and fled to the cash register.
I’m just…left in awe, honestly, that anyone of any orientation would think that was an acceptable way to approach someone. I suppose he thought since he was tiny and cute, I wouldn’t hurt him. If so, he was right, in a way; I wouldn’t hurt him, because despite my consistent snarling and threats I’m a primarily non-violent person. Basically I’m a harmless, crotchety old bastard. My friends know this and take delight in baiting me.
He didn’t know that, though. I could have turned around to plow a fist into his face. He was half my size, and I could have done some serious damage to him all because he decided to provoke me. Not smart. Not smart at all. I hope he doesn’t try pulling that on a meaner guy (or a straight guy angry that the little rent-a-tart’s gaydar missed the mark that time); he could get seriously hurt, and that’s a hard lesson to learn where a little common sense would suffice.
Besides, I really prefer a “hello, what’s your name” before anyone tries to cop a feel.
Honestly, what happened to a little tact and subtlety?
culo, rent-a-tart, why the hell are you grabbing my derriere
Listen to DR Streaming Radio
December 21st, 2007 at 4:52 pm
“Rent-a-Tart” HAH, that’s good xD.
December 21st, 2007 at 4:55 pm
~laughs~ I can’t take credit for that one. Heard it in To Wong Foo once, and it became an entrenched part of my vocabulary.
December 21st, 2007 at 5:22 pm
o_O
December 21st, 2007 at 5:52 pm
I know how you feel!! I was at Gatti’s(a pizza buffet place with a sh*t load of games to play) my favorite game, where I spend 10 dollars at LEAST, every time, is an adaption of DDR called Pump It Up. PIU is a better game than DDR, I think…anyway! Not that I brag or anything, but I love the attention I get when i dance the evening away on that one swing song! Anyway, as I was limping back to my table, getting a drink on the way, a woman came up behind me, placed her hand on my arse and held my arm with her other hand and leaned in, saying “you’re a great dancer” before leaving with her BOYFRIEND.
Needless to say I was shocked! It’s a kids place for crying out loud and this woman felt me up, not only in front of children, but her own boyfriend! For the rest of hte night I couldn’t get my groove back until my family and I were just leaving. This was months ago, so it left it’s mark on my impressionable psyche…
PS: rent-a-tart = funny x3
December 22nd, 2007 at 1:11 am
“Break it off,” huh? Oww.
*keeps his hands to himself*
December 22nd, 2007 at 5:28 am
…smart
boyman.December 22nd, 2007 at 6:00 am
Ai que m***da, che. Haha!
December 22nd, 2007 at 12:42 pm
Hmmm…does that mean that if we ever meet, I can’t pinch your ass? (she pouts and stamps her foot in frustration) I’m harmless, I promise (and besides, I like chicks)
December 22nd, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Mm…well, okay, Jen, I might let you just to amuse you, as long as you promise not to leave any bruises like that little tart did. Anyone else, though, will still face The Wrath of Adri. Deal?
December 23rd, 2007 at 12:34 am
Wow…o_O That is the weirdest/funniest thing I have ever heard!!! Not surprised though, (as a Hispanic myself) affection is usually…expressed through feeling before greeting…something I am against. I have fought many a battle in my travels against pains such as you suffer.
*pats shoulder* YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
*whispers* To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything is an awesome movie as well! My mother and I watched that move to no return back in the day!
I would rather eat socks dipped in kerosene than face this so called Epic Wrath of Adri so I’ll stay on your good side *smiles brightly*
Have a great weekend!
Peace, love and chocolate chip cookie dough!
December 23rd, 2007 at 6:11 am
How…utterly classless.
He also clearly has a death wish, considering you’re six feet tall and have shoulders like a linebacker.
And, dude, it was frickin’ Wal-Mart, not a packed club on Friday night. Well, that’s not really any more acceptable at a club, but still. WAL-MART?!
December 23rd, 2007 at 11:46 pm
Well…I hear Wal-mart sells sex toys
December 24th, 2007 at 1:52 am
Adri,
Careful, I’ll start to think you’re easy.
However, I do so like to get my way with little effort, and I already know you amuse me…so consider it a done deal
And please, I’m a classy dame, I’d never leave a bruise.