Darkside Rainbow

Today is an “Adri’s brain is mush” day (still getting over being sick, and some days are worse than others) so today’s post will be neither deep (ha, like I’m capable of that), insightful, nor amusingly snarktastic. I have a request for you first (other than please pass the tissues and medicate this cold to death), and then just a little informational look at the world of gay-related headlines for the morning, with a few tired attempts at sardonic commentary. So! Here we go!

Transgender Tales: Call for Submissions
After so many transgendered individuals spoke up on this post about dating transgenders, I was thinking about instituting something called Transgender Tales: a post, once a week, featuring a story or testimonial from a transgendered person. There are many assumptions made about transgenders, many incorrect, many unintentionally cruel, and sometimes the only way to educate people is to tell your stories and to make sure they’re seen. So MtF, FtM, questioning somewhere in between…what’s your story? What made you decide to transition, or what was the most memorable moment of your transitioned life? What do you have to say to the world at large?

Please use the contact form on the site. If you prefer to use a false name for privacy, that’s no problem. Just make sure, if e-mailing me from an address that uses your first and last name in the sender field, to remind me to use another name.

Daily News Roundup

First, in local news (local for me, anyway): M/M romance writer Laura Baumbach talks about her treatment at the Romantic Times convention at the Houston Hyatt. Apparently her promotional materials were taken down and replaced with het material that was more racy than hers, and yet the content was still named as a reason for the removal by a rather dismissive and insulting hotel employee.

Gay troop proponent serves America honorably: Gay servicemen and servicewomen are rallying at all levels of the military, from in-the-trenches grunt to high-ranking admirals, to prove that gays in the military do exist and serve their country just as well as their straight counterparts. Hell, if you ask me, I’d rather have another queer guarding my butt; he’s much more likely to protect it if he wants to do naughty things to it later.

Former Gay Governor McGreevey to Enter Priesthood: This isn’t really new news as it’s been going around for days, but I couldn’t resist commenting anyway. Am I the only one hoping this isn’t going to give rise to another slew of jokes about gay Catholic priests by people attempting to be clever (and failing)?

Gay nuptial activists in overdrive: Setting aside the fact that for some reason the use of “in” instead of “on” in the article’s title twerks my nerves even though it’s not incorrect, I found the tactics mentioned in this article to be at once amusing and charming. Ice cream socials? Why don’t I get invited to ice cream socials when someone wants to convince me of something? Even when we’re working our bums off to win lawmakers over and block a proposed Massachusetts gay marriage ban, we have to do it in fabulous style, don’t we?

Study shows gay moms make good parents: No, really? You mean those scary lesbian-things aren’t psychotic animals who abandon and/or abuse their young at the first chance? Lesbian parents are just as or more caring and nurturing than straight parents? I’d never have imagined that in all my wildest dreams!

Snark aside, I’m glad to see this kind of news making the media. To me it’s just common sense that gay and lesbian parents are going to love and care for their children - biological or adopted - just as much as straight parents would, but then with me it’s preaching to the choir and I don’t have this strange notion that gay parents are somehow lacking and/or abnormal.

And that’s it from me today. Dayquil. Tea. Tissue. Bed. G’bye.

transgender, transgendered, transsexual, transvestite, ftm, mtf, male-to-female, female-to-male, transition, transitioning, tv, ts, tg, transgender stories, laura baumbach, romantic times, hyatt hotel, houston, gay military, don’t ask don’t tell, gay servicemembers, gay servicemen, gay servicewomen, governor mcgreevy, jim mcgreevy, gay marriage, gay marriage ban, massachusetts, gay activists, gay parents, lesbian parents, gay parenting

Dear Adri:

I’ve been friends with this girl for several years now. She’s on the verge of graduating high school, and since we met, I’ve watched her go from being a very shy and awkward little girl to being a self-confident, mostly outgoing young woman. She’s the sister I never had, in many ways, and I love her dearly.

The only problem? She’s been driving me frickin’ -insane- the past few months. She met a guy through a friend who graduated last year, and now all she can talk about is him. “J this” and “J that”. She’s been putting her grades at risk by staying up way too late every night to talk to J. She has freely admitted her infatuation with him, and how she’s jealous of his other relationships…with men. J is gay.

He’s also leading her on, big time. My friend is head-over-heels for J, and he knows it - which he used to get oral sex from her when she visited him and his friend at their uni last weekend. I guess he’s bisexual when it’s to his personal benefit, though all of his networking profiles have the word “gay” about every three sentences. Anyway, my point is, she’s driving me crazy with this shit. I know that infatuations can happen for no rhyme or reason…but she’s also being totally unrealistic. Her greatest wish is for J to suddenly turn straight.

Now, me, I’m fairly realistic, and I’ve told her in varying ways and with various degrees of tact that she doesn’t have a chance with him, and he’s not just going to start dating her just because she gave him [oral]. But apparently, that makes me “a mean [b****]“.

How can I handle this situation? I’d frankly like to keep doing what I’ve -been- doing and change the subject when J comes up, but she’s started floating away from reality and really needs to be brought back down to earth.

Well, thanks for reading it, at least.

Signed,
Whatever happened to just being a happy fag hag?

First: I didn’t know happy fag hags existed.

Second: Damn, girl. I didn’t need your life story. You talk more than I do, and that’s sayin’ a lot.

Third: Only answer I’ve got for you is to mind your own business. Seriously. J’s not gay, J’s a horny a**hole who’s only gay when it’s convenient to get away from girls like your friend, and bi when he wants them on their knees. The problem isn’t that he’s gay and she’s waiting unrealistically for him to turn straight. It has nothing to do with his sexuality at all; it has to do with the fact that he’s a self-serving jerk who leads people on. You’ll find ‘em everywhere - male, female, gay, straight, bi, etc. He could “turn straight” and he’d still be treating her the same way.

It’s not your problem. Your friend’s an idiot. You said your piece, and later when she gets burned and comes crying to you, you can say “I told you so” even while being a good friend and patting her on the back. You can’t force her to act sensibly, though. If talking to her doesn’t bring her back down to earth, then there’s nothing else that you can do and honestly? If you try to be proactive, in the end you’re going to get screwed over. I’ve seen it happen too many times; whatever efforts you take will, in the end, be blamed for the other person’s unhappiness…rather than their own idiotic decisions. Then she’ll stop being like the sister you never had and start being the person who hates you just for trying to help. Seriously. She’s already calling you a mean b**** for being blunt with her. What do you think is going to happen if you do anything more? Even if you “save her from herself”, as the saying goes…do you really think it’s going to turn out well when she turns on you? Do you think she’s going to appreciate it?

Step back. Mind your own business. Let them be responsible for their own crash and burn, but be there to help pick up the pieces when it’s over; sometimes people (especially teenagers, and man, why is she giving this guy oral when she’s not even out of high school yet?) only learn by experience, and it sounds as if she’s not going to figure out the problem with this situation until she’s already hurt herself and gotten over it. If you’re happy with changing the subject, why are you worrying about this? You did the right thing in advising against it, now stop trying to be Mother Theresa and fixing the world’s problems. You might want to focus on a few of your own first.

And J, if you’re out there? Stop being a dick.

Speaking as one with his own issues,
~Adri

P.S. Completely off-topic from the original subject of the post, but….dear CNN: if “she” is FtM, then “she” would be “he”, thank you very much. Likewise “her” and “hers” would be “his”, and he would probably appreciate being referred to as Tony and not by anything else. It may be a novel concept to grasp, but I’d think showing that small bit of respect would be fairly easy for a CNN reporter. At the very least do a better job of explaining it and set a better example.

P.P.S. This definitely has nothing to do with the original topic of this post, but if I seem distracted this week, blame it on the PS2. Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus and Vincent Valentine have claimed my soul for the next few days. Why yes, I am a game geek. Why does that surprise you?

Ask Adri, fag hag, advice, relationships, gay/straight relationships, Cinthia Covarrubias, Tony Covarrubias, FtM, transgender, prom king, Fresno, Fresno High School

Since the other day’s poll on dating transgendered individuals turned into such a hot topic, I decided to keep with the theme and pull out this little gem from the mail bag for today’s Ask Adri column:

Dear Adri

Im 32M married two kids. I love my wife but i think about wearing her clothes a lot and being a woman. Ive been thinking about this a long time and sometimes I cd but its not enough. Its not just a sex kink. I think I wantto go all the way but I dont want to lose my wife and kids if I become a woman. I dont know what to do. Advice plz?

Thx
Curious2BFem

…man, am I glad I bought a new coffee pot before tackling this one.

All right, Curious. The first thing that I want to tell you is that you’re not alone in this. Many transwomen and transmen don’t come to the realization that they’ve had the need to transition to their chosen gender until after they’ve settled into what some consider a “normal” life as someone’s husband or wife, father or mother. It’s often a result of pressure to follow a preset path, rather than deviating to explore the path of understanding one’s own identity to be happy. To offer encouragement, many transwomen and transmen have supportive spouses and children who stay with them and continue to love them through the difficult struggle of transition and the change in life that comes afterwards. To be realistic, though, things like this can break a family apart. It’s unfortunate, it shouldn’t happen, but that’s life. Where you fall in the spectrum remains to be seen.

Before you think about doing anything, make sure you’re well-educated on what you intend to do. There are many websites (T-Vox.org, TSRoadmap.com, GenderTalk, you’ll find many others via Google) with resources for people thinking about transitioning, already in the process, or well settled into transitioned life.

Transition is a process that can seem both glamorous and terrifying; you’re proposing making a great deal of mostly permanent changes to your body, which either cannot be reversed or can only be reversed with expensive surgery when you’ve already spent a bomb on the initial surgery. Even if you only take hormones without any surgical options, that’s going to cause changes in your body chemistry resulting in adjustments to your physiology and the almost certain growth of breasts that aren’t going to magically melt away if you stop the injections. This isn’t a decision that you can make lightly, or even in a short period of time. You may take the first step towards transition fully intending to do everything possible to make yourself over into a transwoman, and then change your mind along the way about how far you want to go. That’s all right. Take it one step at a time and before you do anything, consult your physician about the effects that this will have on your health.

You know who else you may want to consult? Your wife. Talk to her, and listen to her; she may be angry or upset at first, but try not to get angry in return. Your best bet is to calmly, quietly explain to her how you feel, why, and what you’d like to do. Don’t lay down any ultimatums; you may make her feel cornered in the surprise of the moment, and cause an impulse reaction. If transition is something that you absolutely can’t live without, you are going to have to make her understand that, but ease her into it…and try to be willing to compromise where you can, or take things at a slower pace while she adjusts to the fact that her husband wants to become her wife and she’ll be moving from a heterosexual marriage into what is essentially a lesbian one.

It sounds as if your family is very important to you; if you love them and they love you they’ll often stick by you through just about anything, but that requires patience and communication on both sides. They may be angry at first; try to allow them that, if you can. Anger is a natural reaction when faced with something surprising and confusing, often knee-jerk and causing them to say things they don’t really think or feel. It will pass with patience and understanding, and if you’re willing to talk them down from it rather than shout it out, you’ll find them much more open and willing to accept what you have to say after the initial shock fades.

Understand that while you may be doing this for yourself, it is going to have an effect on your family outside the home and you need to consider that responsibly. If you begin to publicly transition, it will reflect on how people act towards you, your wife, and your children in social environments; some reactions will be awkward but polite, some encouraging, and some downright hostile. I’m not telling you this to discourage you; I’m telling you to prepare you, and so that you can prepare them if they decide to hang on with you through thick and thin. I’m hoping that they do. You’ll be in for many trials, and you’ll need each other to stand against them.

Give them as much information and support as you can; educate them as you educated yourself, so that you’re all standing on even footing. You may want to direct them towards organizations such as PFlag, as sometimes it helps to speak to others with transgendered family members to understand their experiences.

Remember that you’ll also be dealing with your extended family, both by blood and by marriage, and that they may have to be eased into this. There’s also a matter of name changes (should you choose to) and, depending on how far you go, asking a court to grant legal recognition of your new gender status once you’ve met certain requirements. Be prepared to spend quite a bit of money; the court costs will be the least of it. I won’t say it “might” be costly. It will be costly. Often it’s money and little else that stops people from following the transitional path of their choosing.

Once you educate yourself a bit more and come to a decision as to what to do: assuming that decision is to go full-steam-ahead with transition, try to find your nearest reputable GBLTQ clinic, or at least one known to be friendly. Google can again help you with this, and I’d recommend finding a TG/TS/TV group on Yahoo Groups or another social network, as you’ll find many supportive people there with a few inside tips on local resources. You’ll need a physical, blood tests, a prescription, the fortitude to stick yourself with a huge honkin’ needle (I’ve watched one of my MtF friends do it and it still makes me shudder), and most likely a therapist. Sometimes the therapist comes before the prescription, sometimes the other way around; it’s less a chicken/egg issue and more a matter of what your physician requires. Some will administer a prescription for estrogen after having a talk with you and determining that you understand what you’re undertaking and accept full responsibility for it; others require that you seek counseling with someone experienced with issues regarding gender identity.

Regardless of if your physician requires it or not, I’d recommend finding a trans-friendly therapist. You’re going to go through a number of ups and downs, from the novelty and joy of discovery and new experiences to the disappointments of dealing with some less-than-pleasant reactions to your choice…and if you take estrogen that’s going to affect your moods as well as you go through hormone cycles and your body chemistry shifts. You’ll need an experienced guiding hand to help hold you together so you come sailing through in one piece.

If you do go through with it, good luck, and I hope that things work out well for both you and your family. You’ll face a great deal of difficulty and social stigma, and criticism both from without the GBLTQ community and, unfortunately, from within. Remember that no matter how far you choose to go and whatever surgical or hormonal options you do or do not choose…no one can tell you how much of a woman you are except for you. Do as much as you need to make yourself happy, and don’t force anything excessive to meet another’s standards of what makes a “real” transwoman. Even if you wholly disdain hormones and surgery but adopt a female identity through crossdressing and shift of behavior/role, you’re as much of a woman as you need to be, as long as you’re happy.

“You go, girl” as a few people stuck in the 90s are wont to say,
~Adri

relationships, ftm, mtf, male-to-female, female-to-male, transgender, transsexual, gay transgender, lesbian transgender, transgender marriages, cross-dressing, gbltq, transition, sex change, gender reassignment

Before we move on to the usual, let’s have a moment of silence for the victims and survivors of the Virginia Tech shooting. I don’t care if it’s topical to this blog or not. They deserve a little acknowledgment and respect.

Back to business and today’s blog topic in the world of the wonderfully gay…uh…well, crud. I skimmed the headlines and found very little that actually roused my interest enough to go on one of my long-winded tirades. Sometimes it really does seem like the same carousel of issues swirled about in repetitive circles, and I’m so sick of talking about yet another wankery regarding the Church (whatever Church it is this week) and homosexuality. So you know what? We’re not. Instead we’re going to get a little personal, tell a bit of a story, and then ask you a few questions.

I have a friend - stop looking so shocked that anyone can put up with my acidic tongue - that we’ll call Jason for the sake of his privacy. Jason, my friends, is gorgeous. He’s also funny, sweet, responsible, and well-educated with a stable job. He likes kids (why, I don’t know) and is dying to meet just that right guy to have and to hold. Hell, I’d date him myself, if I didn’t think I was too mean for him and if I wasn’t caught up in my own conflicted romantic mess. Still, Jason’s not short for suitors…but they never last very long once they get to know a certain thing about him.

Jason isn’t just any other gay guy. Jason is FtM (female-to-male) transgendered.

I’m sure there are some people out there asking “wtf?! Do people do that?!” Most people think of MtF (male-to-female) transgenders when someone mentions transgenders, transsexuals, transvestites, etc. When people do find out that FtM transgenders exist, they usually assume they’re just butcher-than-butch lesbians who decided to just go male.

Not so. There’s a huge difference between a woman who desires other women, and someone born in a female body who nonetheless feels strongly that they should have been born male - strongly enough to take medical and surgical measures to correct it. One’s sexual identity is wholly separate from one’s gender identity…which is why one thing that hurts Jason more than anything is the rather nasty comments that he gets about how if he was going to continue to date men, he should have stayed female.

The thing is, if you understand what it means to transition…Jason was never female to start with. Trust me, it took a lot of long late-night talks over stale pizza for me to understand this, too…but Jason’s my friend and I wanted to know, and he didn’t mind telling me. The way he sees it, he was a man born in a female body. He just happened to be a gay man born in a female body, and that’s what’s causing him the most grief.

Because he’s pre-operative (he’s on hormones, but hasn’t had any surgery and binds his breasts to flatten his chest), most of the men that he dates see him as just a woman, once they find out. It doesn’t matter that Jason looks manlier than I do (and could probably bench-press me for fun). It doesn’t matter that he can grow a beard, doesn’t matter that to all outside appearances while fully clothed, no one would ever take him for anything other than a man. No one cares about that. No one cares about what a nice guy he is, what a great friend he is, all the other winning traits that would have guys falling over him if he’d just been born with the right anatomy. No one cares about him.

Just about what he lacks between his legs.

He’s tried dating bisexual men, but it doesn’t work; they either treat him as a woman (down to calling him by female pronouns) or dump him because his anatomy isn’t masculine enough. It makes me wonder just how shallow we really are - and I don’t just mean gay men, though it’s gay men that have caused Jason most of his heartbreak. Men, women, gay, straight…when it comes to attraction both romantic and sexual, do we care about the person more than we care about their looks and their anatomy? Or do we focus first on physical traits, ignoring everything else about this person until they’ve satisfied some base requirement?

With that thought in mind, I’m curious about you..how you choose, and if a person being transgendered would matter to you. So if you’ve got a moment, I’d appreciate it if you’d take this anonymous poll. Be honest - after all, it is anonymous. Who would know?

dating, romance, relationships, ftm, mtf, male-to-female, female-to-male, transgender, transsexual, gay transgender, lesbian transgender