Darkside Rainbow

Today’s Ask Adri question isn’t the usual request for advice, but I feel strongly compelled to post and answer it anyway, because the question asked simply staggers me and I can’t help but think that even if this person doesn’t need situational advice, they do need guidance and information. Someone’s got to flip the other side of the coin. So here goes.

Hey, Adri.

I’m not gay or anything, but a couple of my friends are. I brought one friend to Church with me the past weekend and he met my pastor. I guess he’s kind of out there, because my pastor figured out he was gay without asking. He was really nice to him and invited him to come back, but later he asked to talk to me and started asking me weird questions about my friend’s family life. It made me really uncomfortable because he was asking if his parents did things to him. I know his parents and they’re great people. They’d never do anything to him.

I asked my pastor why he was asking me this, and he said that he is worried for my friend. He said that homosexuality happens because people are sexually abused as children, and then they grow up to abuse children. Is this true? I don’t know much about gays, my friends are just my friends and I don’t ask them that much about it. I don’t think my friend is a child molester. Is that really how it happens?

No. Gods no. I’m going to ignore the fact that it was your pastor who told you this, as that fact is somewhat irrelevant and it could have been any misinformed individual regardless of their role in the community, religious or otherwise. The urge to go off on a rant about Christian bigots making decent Christians look bad is very strong, but it would be unfair of me. So we’re going to talk about the real issue at hand here: a little basic education.

First, you need to understand that homosexuality is not a disease, disorder, or post-traumatic effect. Nor is it a sin. Nor, really, is it a choice. It’s a naturally occurring trait that is gaining more and more scientific backing as perfectly ordinary within nature, developing as a result of hormonal effects on the brain and body. (I know, I know, it’s a Wikipedia link, not the most reliable, but it’s got a few dozen decent cited external sources.) It’s as ingrained as the color of your eyes or the tendency for high blood pressure. Before you believe everything you’re told, find your answers for yourself. I think you’ve already got a firm handle on that concept, though, considering that rather than blindly accepting your pastor’s assumptions you instead found me and decided to question this at the source.

The sad thing is, this isn’t such an uncommon assumption. It’s linked to the unfortunate lumping in of homosexuality with perversions such as incest and pedophilia, spreading the idea that homosexuality is unnatural and must be stamped out and even cured. The best way to combat such an assumption? By education, and by positive example.

So to answer your question concretely? No, homosexuality is neither a cause nor an effect of abuse. I can name a number of homosexuals that I know personally who weren’t molested or abused as children or adults, and who have never committed said acts or felt the urge to. I’m on that list; I may not have gotten along well with my family, but they would never have done anything like that to me, and they educated me quite well on how to protect myself from people with those intents. I had a safe childhood, and lead a safe adult life. The same can be said for my gay best friend, the ex-boyfriend I was angsting over a few posts ago, my lesbian cousin. We are all well-adjusted individuals with no abuse-related trauma in our pasts, no desire to enforce abuse on another, and yet we are all comfortably and openly homosexual.

If you’re comfortable enough talking to your friend about these things and think he can hear this without being offended, direct him to this article and I’ll bet he’ll tell you the same thing - that he’s not hiding any secrets, his parents are as great as you first thought they were, and nothing untoward or deviant has happened to him in the past. He’s not a secret child molester dwelling under the skin of some guy you thought was pretty cool. He’s just an ordinary guy who happens to be gay.

People who spread ideas like this are becoming a real problem; they promote misinformation as truth, and blindly think that they are doing good. I know that your pastor meant well and was actually expressing concern for your friend’s well-being, but if you can, please guide him towards resources that educate on the nature of homosexuality and encourage him - gently, not aggressively - to broaden his scope and make a better effort to understand these things before he spreads such assumptions.

The only way to stop the spread of misinformation is to counter with healthy, valid information.

We are not an abnormality. We are not a byproduct of perversion. We are normal, and we lead happy, stable lives in which instances of personal trauma and abuse are no higher or lower than instances among heterosexuals. The two are wholly unrelated, and to tie them together not only demonizes homosexuality, but trivializes what real abuse victims suffer.

So now that you have your answer, go forth and spread the good word.

Your friendly gay elucidator,
~Adri

ask adri, sexuality, homosexuality, abuse, sexual abuse, pedophilia, counseling, scientific sexuality, dispelling homosexual myths

It is so time to lighten the mood around here a little bit. Let’s see who needs a little sarcasm advice today:

Adrien,

I’ve comfortably identified as a lesbian for years now, but now I have a crush on a man and it is FREAKING ME OUT and completely screwing with my sense of self-identity. It wouldn’t be a big deal if I was just attracted to his personality as we get along really well and I like everything about him, but I’m also attracted to him physically when normally I have to be really REALLY drunk to even think about doing the kind of stuff with a man that I want to do with him.

Does this mean I’m not a lesbian anymore?

Yes. Fork over your flannel, cut up your membership card in the Dyke Club of America, and turn in your Diva Cup.

…actually, keep the latter. Um.

Seriously, though? No. You’re fine. Calm down, have a Valium, and sit down; Papa Adri’s gonna have a little talk with you about human sexuality.

…that sounds so, so wrong.

Anyway. Despite what our more hardcore, intolerant brothers and sisters might tell you, labels like “gay” and “lesbian” are just that: labels, things that we choose to adopt in order to identify ourselves but that don’t dictate our modus operandum any more than we allow them to, and certainly don’t guarantee 100% attraction to the same sex. Now, you shouldn’t be running around boinking everything male and female and still calling yourself a homosexual; you’re either bisexual or a nymphomaniac in need of a little counseling. But attraction to one member of the opposite sex should not be enough to destroy the sense of identity you’ve built over the years, because you know as well as I do that there’s a lot more to that identity, and who you are, than the label of “lesbian” you’ve applied atop it to make it neatly comprehensible.

Human sexuality really isn’t a hard and fast thing. You’ll rarely find anyone who’s 100% hetero or homo, hence all the jokes straight people make about the person they’d go gay for - and sometimes, they’re even serious under that. (Why do straight men pick some of the scariest-looking blokes I’ve ever seen, though?) Sometimes attraction simply happens, regardless of gender; the way our bodies respond to people isn’t something wholly within our control, and despite studies we still don’t fully understand the chemical processes involved. For the most part your body may respond to the presence of a woman: the sight of her, her scent, that intangible whiff of pheromones that says female and just gets your blood hot and sets a few other things tingling. Every once in a while you may stumble across a man who hits that same chemical trigger-point, but it’s simply much more rare for that right combination to be there.

You’ve probably heard of the Kinsey Scale, and probably thought you were firmly ensconced in the deep end of the pool. If you’re easing a tiny bit towards the shallows, don’t worry about it. It’s normal, even if I may face a lesbian lynch mob for saying so. Your identity as a lesbian isn’t threatened because the only one who can really define that identity is you, and it’s going to take more than attraction to one man to shake that. (When you’re getting more towards four or five, then you can have an identity crisis.) Once every few thousand years or so, I run across a woman that I’m attracted to (mmm, Milla Jovovich…) but that doesn’t stop me from identifying myself as gay. I’m just not 100% gay. 99.99999% works for me.

The truth is that recognizing this attraction has not changed who you are at all; it just changes what you know about yourself, and what you know about yourself is that your sexuality is just as fluid as any other human being’s. The potential for that attraction has been there all through the years of your comfortable self-identity, and the only difference is that now you’re aware that it exists. So really, if nothing’s changed at all, why worry about changing your identity?

There could be other factors involved, anyway. It’s no secret that women form attachments, including sexual attraction, differently from men. For some men all it takes is the right endowments on either sex for us to decide we’re in love, and the scary thing is that sometimes we actually mean it. Women can be a bit more complex, and while they may not feel sexual attraction towards someone at first, that attraction can develop as a result of an emotional attachment. You’ve said that you like everything about this guy, right? It’s quite possible that you developed an emotional attraction to his personality without consideration of gender and then, as a result of natural female pair-bonding tendencies, progressed to a physical attraction. This isn’t a 100% hard-and-fast rule on how women work (do you really want to trust a fag to know how women work?), but it may help to ease your mind as to how this happened if you’ve been quite secure in your “no men, no way” status for so long.

The bottom line is this: stop worrying. If you like the guy, enjoy it. Attraction and flirtation feel good no matter the gender or we wouldn’t do it so much. And if it turns out you’re not fully a lesbian? That’s perfectly all right. In the GBLTQ community we tend to be a little (hypocritically) intolerant, as if the labels we wear are more exclusive than the bastard lovechild of Gucci and Versace and that to revoke those labels is to be rejected and cast into a pit of worthless heterosexuality or even the dreaded bisexuality (we’re so mean to the bi folks. Poor kiddies). Nuh-uh. Screw that. You have worth far beyond the label of your sexuality, and what matters most is that you are happy and comfortable with yourself and your chosen mate, male or female or…well, let’s just not go there.

I’m sure you’re a wonderful woman, with many things to offer anyone lucky enough to know you, and far more to tell the world about yourself than “I’m a lesbian”. I know you’re a bit shaken up right now, but just take a breath and relax, let yourself get used to the idea. Whether your attraction to this guy fades or deepens, you’re still yourself, and that’s the only label that really matters.

Your chatty No. 5,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

kinsey scale, defining sexuality, sex and sexuality, gay sexuality, lesbian sexuality, heterosexuality, homosexuality, attraction

Before I move on to the rest of today’s column, I just have to say…I’m wholly disgusted by the number of supposed liberal, tolerant people who are expressing joy that Jerry Falwell is dead. I’m not exactly the most PC person in the world - in fact, at times I’m willfully offensive and enjoy it - but I draw the line at wishing death on another person or celebrating their death, no matter how terrible they were. I’m well aware that Falwell was a bigot, a horrid and hateful individual, and quite frankly, an arse. He wasn’t just a thorn in our sides, he was a bloody effin’ torpedo. But he was still a human being, and his was a human life. You don’t have to mourn his passing; I’m not. But have enough respect for life not to celebrate it, either.

Wankers.

Moving on: I haven’t done an “Ask Adri” column in a while, have I? Let’s see what reader questions I have sitting on the back burner. Ah, here’s one:

Dear Adri:

I’m gay, and I want to come out to my parents, do you have any advice? I’ve wanted to tell them for years, but have always been afraid to. Now I’m settling down with a long-term partner, and I want to tell them before he moves in. I’m tired of hiding and would like them to accept him as a part of my family, but I don’t want to lose him or them if this creates a schism.

Well, that’s a classic one right there, isn’t it? The coming-out difficulties. The possibility of being torn between your family and your partner is definitely wince-worthy, but I hope it won’t come to that. By the way, congratulations on the partnership. Lucky sod. (Yes, I’m a little jealous. But I’m happy for you anyway. Now where’s my Mr. Right as opposed to Mr. “Eh, I guess you’ll do for right now”?)

In truth, I’m in favor of the blunt-but-tactful approach. Gird your loins for battle, mentally prepare yourself for just about every awkward question they might ask, brace yourself for rejection but hope for acceptance, and dive right on in. Tell them honestly but gently, without wasting words on an awkward build-up. There’s little to be gained by pussyfooting around other than making both you and them uncomfortable before you even blurt the news out. Depending on your parents’ views and what you know of them, it will either be insanely difficult or shockingly easy.

Your best bet is to be honest, firm, and unashamed, but not assault them with the news or take any kind of aggressive tack. Come to them as their son, not as an antagonist wanting to force unwanted news on them whether they want it or not - a tactic I’ve seen too many take, which doesn’t help confused and surprised parents in accepting it. (I wasn’t exactly nice or supportive in coming out to my mother, something I blame on our extremely strained relationship, but I’m still regretful that I didn’t handle it better. Learn from my mistakes.) Parents of gay children are much more open to their child’s request for love and support than they are to baldly stated demands; no matter how old you are, to your parents you’re still their little rugrat who’d better not talk back to them if he knows what’s good for him, and they likely won’t respond well to a demanding tone.

Anticipate hostility or rejection, but don’t expect it - and don’t project it onto them. The anticipation is more for your own sake, so that if you face a negative reaction, you’re prepared to deal with it. Try not to expect it, for their sake - so that expectation won’t color your tone when you talk to them about it, and make them feel uncomfortable or attacked. Just as you want them to remember that you’re their child and not some strange creature infected with The Gay, you also need to remember that they’re your parents and not stern, authoritarian figures standing judgment over you without love or compassion.

Before you talk to them about your partner, talk to them about yourself. They’re going to have questions; be ready to answer them calmly, and if there are some things that they ask you that you aren’t comfortable talking about, have a gently deflecting answer prepared. Don’t just give them “Mom, Dad, I’m gay, deal with it”; give them information if you can, such as examples of other people that your family knows with gay children to give them someone familiar to identify with. There are also organizations like PFLAG, of course, and if they really are having difficulty coping with the concept of their son as a gay man, guide them towards such support groups.

With any luck, you won’t even have to go to such lengths. Although we’ve all heard horror stories of violently explosive parental reactions to their child’s sexuality, more and more in passing years we also hear stories of parents who simply accept the news with love and support, and treat it as something normal and commonplace. For you to care about them enough to be concerned about choosing between you and your partner, it sounds as if you have a strong enough relationship that they’d never even ask you to do that. Even if they are confused and a little disconcerted at first, given time they’ll grow accustomed to the idea and realize that you’re still the same son they always knew.

Just be patient and give them that time, and be willing to hold their hands during that adjustment period.

Closetphobically yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

P.S. In a bit of personal news? My family is seeing its first gay wedding. No, not me, you dips. I’m just not the marrying type and can’t imagine any man who wouldn’t run screaming from the idea of a lifetime chained to me. My cousin is going to Canada in July to marry her girlfriend, and the whole family’s invited. As stereotypically Southern as my family is sometimes and as homophobic as some of them can be, I’m surprised the invitation went out to everyone - but it looks like everyone’s taking it in good cheer and wishing them well. I’m glad, for my cousin and her girlfriend (soon to be wife). I doubt I’ll be able to make it across the border for their wedding, but I hope you’ll join me in hoping things go well.

ask adri, advice column, coming out, closeted, parents, gay stories, jerry falwell, death, christian right

Yesterday I received an e-mail follow-up to the question of talking to your children about their sexuality, and thought it would make a perfect question for the Wednesday Ask Adri column.

Adri,

I really enjoyed your article, ‘Talking to your kids about their sexuality.’ I have a question tho - what if I want to talk to my kids about MY sexuality? I am married with a son (12) and a daughter (15). I love my husband very much but have always had strong feelings towards women.

About a year ago I realized that I could not be happy without exploring my feelings. I may be bisexual but I really have no interest in men and only married my husband because of family pressure and because I couldn’t help but love him. I love him even more because he loves me enough to understand that I need to explore and has let our relationship be open enough that I now have a girlfriend.

I care about my girlfriend very much but do not want to leave my husband. That is not the problem. We are going to stay together always. The problem is that my girlfriend is around the house a lot just as my friend and I do not want to have to hide her from my kids if shes going to be in my life. They really like her. I want to tell them that I am a lesbian but I love their father. How do I do this?

Thanks,
Jane in Austin

Well, Miss Jane, first I have to say: your husband amazes me and is far more understanding in this situation than most would be, since from the sounds of it this isn’t your standard polyamorous relationship and he’s not even getting to have any of the extra fun. If he’s got a gay brother or something somewhere, send him my way. I don’t necessarily need him to be cool with me exploring with other people - I’m very strictly monogamous - but that kind of patience in a man? You don’t pass that up if you know what’s good for you.

I’m very glad, for the sake of both you and your children, that he’s so supportive - because you’re going to need him there when you sit your kids down to have a talk about this. With children that age, the first thing they want to know about any new information from their parents is how it’s going to affect them and change their lives; with your husband there making it obvious that he’s a willing participant in this and that he isn’t going anywhere, you can quickly dispel any arising fears that Mommy’s going to leave Daddy for the Nice Lady and suddenly there’ll be planned weekend visitations.

As I said in regards to talking to them about their sexuality, you should also be frank and honest when talking to them about your sexuality - but try to do it in private rather than in a public place, as in this case I don’t think that hearing the news in the middle of the local Baskin Robbins is going to make them that much more comfortable with the topic. Before you speak to your children, make sure that you are confident enough in yourself and your choices that you don’t give the idea that you waited so long to tell them because you’re somehow ashamed or what you’re doing is wrong. Your children will follow your lead and if you don’t feel ashamed, they won’t either. If you don’t feel as if what you’re doing is wrong - and it really isn’t, as long as it’s between three mature, consenting adults and all are content with the arrangement - then they won’t.

However, if you try to cover things up or hedge around the details (non-sexual details, thank you), they’re going to pick up that you’re embarrassed and could quite easily become embarrassed by you if they think there’s a reason to be, without even fully understanding what that reason might be. Around that age the only thing that comes ahead of budding interest in the opposite (or same) sex in a teenager’s life is their social status, and if you act as if your arrangement is something to be ashamed of, they’ll immediately think that it’s something that could affect their social status and drop them right into the outcast pile the moment that it got out.

Make sure that they understand that this doesn’t change who you are, or how you love and care for them in any way. Point out that nothing has altered in their lives; only their knowledge of the situation has changed, and so this isn’t going to affect their day-to-day lives at all.

Be prepared for them to be angry; they have a right to be. Again, it’s not that you did anything wrong; anger is simply a common reaction, especially in children that age, to things that are startling and confusing. You may have to step back, give them their time to be angry, and give them time to settle down and realize that you’re still Mom and that’s never going to go away. There may be some backlash; it’s okay to accept it within reasonable levels, but of course if it gets out of hand, remind your children that you understand their confusion and frustration, but you are their parental authority figure and they’re crossing the lines of behavior that you accept out of them for any reason.

Don’t forget to talk to them about sexuality in general, if you haven’t already. Explain to them that being a lesbian, being gay, being bisexual, being transgendered…all aspects of sexuality are just as normal as heterosexuality, and people of all sexual orientation conceive or adopt every day and are happy, well-adjusted parents who care deeply for their children.

Most importantly, try to talk to them about this issue as equals. Let them see that you’re telling them this not because you’re forcing something new into their lives and they have to accept it because you keep a roof over their heads…but because you love them and respect them enough that you want to be honest with them and keep them informed. Try not to take the usual parental tone of “this is what I say and my word is law”; instead discuss things with them, and make sure they know that you’re open to any questions they might ask. (Though you may want to smooth over some things on the topic of your sex life. There are some things kids just don’t need to know about what their parents do in the bedroom.) You have to keep avenues of communication open between you even if they storm off in an angry huff (and one, if not both of them, probably will). It’s going to hurt to have your children looking at you as if you’re a strange new creature for a while, and one they’re not wholly sure they like. Just make sure they know that you’re still there, you’re still Mom…and after they’ve had a little time to settle down and accept, they’ll come drifting back.

During that adjustment period you may want to ask your girlfriend to not be around the house as often, because they may view her oddly or lash out at her. It’s both for her own sake and theirs, as before they can adjust to her new role they need time to adjust to yours. Once they’re comfortable with you, then they can more easily accept her as “Mom’s girlfriend”.

This is not going to be an easy talk to have, and you’re going to need to brace yourself and brace your husband. Good luck to the both of you. Do your best to support each other, and support your children. I hope you come out on the other side of this rather rocky issue smiling and with clear skies ahead of you.

Optimistically (creepily so) yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

coming out, parenting, gay parents, lesbian parents, polyamory, polyamorous relationships, gay and lesbian, parenting teenagers, talking to your kids, tolerance, sex and sexuality, homosexuality

It’s Friday, and that means it’s time for me to skip out and go home earl–

–er, I mean…time for another Ask Adri question. Let’s see what I’ve got lying around the mailbag today:

Dear Adri

I am almost 100 percent sure that my son is gay but I really want him to be normal. If he is gay kids will pick on him and I dont want to be in the position of telling our extended family. Is it too late to stop him forom being gay? Can you tell me how to do this? He is a really good kid just gay.

Wait, you want me to do what now?

Oh, sweetie, me an’ you are gonna have words.

Okay, I’m not even going to get into questioning why you’re so certain your son is gay. Considering your phrasing of “gay” vs. “normal”, your reasoning is probably something as asinine as the fact that he complimented someone’s shoes one day or is overtly concerned about his appearance.

Let’s assume - as much as it makes me twitch to even write these words - that you’re right, and your son is gay. Who on earth gave you the idiotic idea that it’s some kind of slow progression that can be staved off if you just do the right thing at the right moment and divert him down the yellow brick road of heterosexuality? There’s no damned magic wand or voodoo ritual that’s going to make your son straight.

If he’s gay then he’s gay, and you had better damned well deal with it because trying to change that is downright cruel. Don’t even think about sending him to one of those ex-gay missions that “cures” homosexuality, by the way. Those places frighten me and your child will never be the same person again; even if he returns convinced that he’s straight, his personality will most likely have altered for the worse (and in creepy ways) and he’ll probably be scarred for life.

Jay-zus, what kind of stupid are they feeding you people with your breakfast cereal lately? I know it can be a difficult thing to accept when you think your child may be a little different from the other kids, in a way that isn’t always socially acceptable. If you need a little time to come to grips with this, that’s understandable. But don’t try to change reality just to suit you, and don’t try to change your son into something that he’s not just because you might be a little socially uncomfortable because the neighbors and his Aunt Schnookie might know you’re that parent with a gay son. You have no right to act like your son’s sexuality is something to be ashamed of. That would be like me being embarrassed that my baby brother is straight. Get. Over. It.

Your son needs you because you’re right: if he is gay and starts to be more open about it, other kids are going to pick on him. He may lose some friends, and gain new ones. He may be a target for bullies, and will endure anything from cruel slurs to violent attacks. He’s probably also confused and a little frightened, as he’d have to be even more oblivious than most teenagers not to know what it means to be gay in today’s social climate.

A parent’s understanding would go a long way. You need to be his succor - his shelter. Not his judge, jury, and executioner. Do you have any idea how hurtful it’s going to be when you tell him you want to convert him and turn him straight? If he’s such a good kid, why is he suddenly not good enough for you simply because he might be gay? You’re being selfish. I sincerely doubt that this has anything to do with his best interests, and more to do with your discomfort with the idea.

Be a good parent. Love your son. Stop being a douche.

I’d say I’m sorry for being so harsh but frankly, I’m not. It sounds like you need a good smack upside the head to make you step back and realize exactly what you’re proposing and just how wrong it is.

Get your head out of your bum and recognize that your son is still the same boy that you love regardless of whom he chooses to love. If you want to punish him for something, punish him for not doing his homework, for skipping his chores to play the latest Grand Theft Auto game, or for going to a party and getting drunk. Punish him (and get him into therapy) when he decides he’s in love with a horse, not when he decides he’s in love with another boy.

Don’t punish him for daring to be who he is.

B*tch-smackingly yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

P.S. It scares me a little that I can understand the opposing rationale here. Free speech is free speech, even if I don’t particularly like what’s being said; I would be much more content if the clergy would stop raining down threats of fire and brimstone on anyone who isn’t straight as an arrow, but it is their inalienable right to say those things just as it’s my inalienable right to say that I don’t bloody well think so. I’d never want to silence them save for through persuasive argument.

But I think vetoing the bill under those concerns is a bit excessive, because it also vetoes any protection that the GBLTQ community might have where the inclusion of acts of violence targeted due to sexuality and gender identity is concerned. If the bill’s language still allows for freedom of speech while still allowing anti-gay hate crimes to be included in current hate crime legislation and prosecuted as such, then why veto it?

Wait…this is President Bush we’re talking about.

…nevermind.

ask adri, gay teens, gay son, coming out, questioning parents, ex-gay, ranting, hr 1592, president bush, veto, hate crimes bill

[yawns, stretches] All right, so I skipped the DR Weekend Edition this past weekend, and you got stuck with that lovely article on sexual hygiene for a few extra days. My apologies, but when you work three jobs plus editing a novel on the side and spend most of your time high on caffeine while somehow managing a lovely combination of “deadpan” and “perpetually pissed off” (it’s all the rage this season, what all the boys are wearing), sometimes you’ve got to take a weekend for a little downtime.

So pass the coffee, happy Monday, and if you can trust me to give advice before the French roast kicks in, let’s do this sh…stuff.

Dear Adri,

I have loads of photos of women on my computer and sometimes fantasise about being with one but I don’t like any in real life. Do you think I might be lesbian or maybe bi?

Signed,
Questioning teenager

Um.

…….

Okay then.

My first thought when I read this was, “this is someone’s kid, they’re underaged - I can’t give them advice about their sexual fantasies!” I’ve had a few more bracing gulps of the triple-black Doom Coffee now, though, and I think I can handle this.

The answer is no, those things don’t automatically mean that you’re a lesbian, or bisexual. They don’t mean that you aren’t, either.

Right now you’re a walking pile of seething, awakening hormones and anything involving sex with a male, a female, or possibly even an inanimate object is going to turn you on. The teenage years are a confusing time to try to define your sexuality, and while some can say “Yes, I know I’m gay/lesbian/born in the wrong gender’s body” in high school or earlier, for the most part it’s quite difficult to make that determination when your hormones are scrambling your brain to hell and back.

Plenty of people who later in life grow quite certain of their heterosexuality still experiment in their teenage years, even as far into college. Women are statistically known to be more prone to same-sex experimentation than men, and yet despite kissing a few dozen girls, will often decide “Nah, I’m straight” and settle into heterosexual life without feeling a single spark of interest towards another woman for the rest of their lives.

For many others, though, those moments of experimentation are the defining points of their lives: the moment when they realize that they’re happy with women alone, or equally content with both women and men. I don’t advise that you run about shagging a small test population of both genders to find out; if there aren’t any girls that you’re interested in, odds are that your fantasies are just that: fantasies that wouldn’t reflect well in reality.

Then again, it could be that there’s no one around you on a regular basis who happens to be your type - and if you do meet a girl that you’re into, and she returns your interest and and consents: don’t be afraid, or ashamed, to try things out. You’re confused now, and you’ll never know until you try. Don’t force anything; you’ll just make yourself and her miserable. But if you’re given the chance, and you really want to…don’t hold back. It’s all right to do a little experimentation while you get yourself sorted out, as long as you aren’t sleeping around indiscriminately and having unsafe sex. Kiss a girl or two. Try to avoid anything that qualifies as foreplay or beyond until you’re older.

Remember, though, that even if you never do anything…thoughts like yours are perfectly normal, and nothing to be worried about. They’re a natural part of adolescent development, and whichever way you end up leaning, it’s perfectly fine to just wonder sometimes. You don’t even have to call yourself straight, lesbian, or bisexual. You’re attracted to whomever you’re attracted to, regardless of their gender or yours.

That should be enough for anyone, and labels be damned.

Ambiguously yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

And for today’s P.S.: I don’t like Archbishop Bagnasco, obviously. I’d love to give him a good tongue-lashing simply because he’s got so much to say about just who I enjoy…er…lashing with my tongue. It’s not his business what I do in my bedroom, other than to grant me the same rights with a husband that I might have with a wife…but come on, people, this is going too far. A bullet in an envelope? Now you know one of us had something to do with that, because it’s got “drama queen” written all over it. Come on. You really think a bullet in an envelope is going to make him stop and think, “Now hey, those gays are some nice, upstanding people just like everyone else! I really should stop shooting off that sewer hose I call my mouth about them!”

Pfft.

Oh well. At least it’s nice to see one religious leader who’s managed to avoid coming down with rectal-cranial inversion.

ask adri, teenage sexuality, gay and questioning, lesbian fantasies, coming out, archbishop bagnasco, angelo bagnasco, gay marriage, gay rights, gay civil unions, reverend gene robinson, new hampshire

Dear Adri..

I’ve been having this recurring dream where I’m running naked through the forest and I’m attacked by a bear. Only I’m not attacked; the bear actually seduces me and then the bear and I get intimate.

My question is this: the bear is a woman. Does this make me a lesbian?

No, it makes you someone in need of heavy medication. See a doctor, and don’t ever write to me again.

I kid, really. That one was submitted by another 451 blogger as a joke, and I thought you guys might get a little giggle out of it. Now on to the real one:

Dear Adri,

My best friend is a gay male and we have a long history together. Now my new husband is jealous of our relationship. How do I handle this?

Well, you could always drag him to a few Scissor Sisters concerts - apparently that’s all it took for this guy to happily try to foist his wife-to-be off on any queer who’d take her, so after that he’d be quite content for your friend to monopolize your time.

Your husband is probably jealous because he feels that your friend is giving you something that he can’t. Even though you aren’t in a romantic relationship with your friend and the likelihood of one happening is practically nil, there’s still that sense of competition from another man that just drives the alpha male in 99% of men insane - especially when the alpha male is new to the pack and not yet sure of his footing. You and your friend probably have a dozen inside jokes that your husband doesn’t get, or fond memories to reminisce over, stories to tell that he wasn’t involved in. He probably feels like the new kid at school, trying to find somewhere to fit in at lunch where all the tables are packed with cliques…with no room for him.

The good news is that it’s likely a phase that won’t last. He just needs a bit of time to get settled into things, and a little reassurance from you will go a long way. Just remind him that he is your husband and your friend is…well…your friend, and the two roles aren’t really comparable. It’s apples and oranges, to use the old adage. Yes, your friend is going to be able to give you things your husband can’t - things like platonic male companionship, or a man who shares interests with you that your husband doesn’t, whether it’s Broadway musicals or just the same tastes in hot actors. But remind your husband that he also gives you things that your friend can’t or doesn’t - and no, I don’t just mean your hot stanky hetero lovin’….er, I mean your no doubt passionate sex life. Just as your friend understands you in ways your husband can’t, no doubt your husband understands you in ways that your friend can’t. Remind him of those ways; remind him of the role that he fills in your life, and how important he is to you. Remind him that he has worth, and that he can’t be replaced by a best-friend-turned-platonic-lifemate.

Also remind him that if his jealousy gets out of control, he’ll be sleeping on the couch for a month and you may end up snatching a knot in his skull, or somewhere more uncomfortable.

Hopefully it won’t get to that point. Male jealousy can be an ugly thing; we’re competitive creatures who often have to be first in everything, including in the lives of our mates. As much as I hate to admit it, we sometimes need our egos stroked and soothed, kind of like how sometimes a woman needs to be reminded that she’s pretty even when she knows she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Don’t butter him up so much that he could skid down a sidewalk like a Slip-n-Slide, but find subtle ways to remind him that he matters to you. If he’s jealous of your inside jokes with your friend, tease him at some point about your own inside jokes with him. If he gets sulky over some fond memory shared with your friend, do something sweet to remind him of some special moment that the two of you shared. I know it seems like a bit of sop and the kind of thing that most men wouldn’t like with our aggressively anti-sop assertions, but if he’s showing jealousy, then trust me…he needs that sop, even if he’d never admit it. Give him what he needs, but don’t rub his nose in it; it’ll just reverse the positive effects of your attention.

At the same time, only coddle him up to a certain point. In an ideal situation, after a short while and with a little extra attention he’ll settle down. If he starts being unnecessarily rude or aggressive to your friend, or confrontational with you, you’ll have to draw the line. There’s no point in coddling bad behavior, and you’d do well to cut it off early before it gets out of control and escalates into a fight that may take ages to recover from, and that will turn into an issue that will affect all three of you whenever you want to spend time with your friend. If this really does become a bone of serious contention, then try to talk to your husband; lay down the law, and make him understand that you have a right to spend time with your friend, and that doesn’t mean that you love him any less. He will have to adjust to that, one way or another. Explain to him that he can do it two ways: with your help and understanding, or without.

Hopefully he’ll make the right choice.

Platonically yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

ask adri, gay best friend, straight marriage with gay friends, jealous husband

Dear Adri:

I’ve been friends with this girl for several years now. She’s on the verge of graduating high school, and since we met, I’ve watched her go from being a very shy and awkward little girl to being a self-confident, mostly outgoing young woman. She’s the sister I never had, in many ways, and I love her dearly.

The only problem? She’s been driving me frickin’ -insane- the past few months. She met a guy through a friend who graduated last year, and now all she can talk about is him. “J this” and “J that”. She’s been putting her grades at risk by staying up way too late every night to talk to J. She has freely admitted her infatuation with him, and how she’s jealous of his other relationships…with men. J is gay.

He’s also leading her on, big time. My friend is head-over-heels for J, and he knows it - which he used to get oral sex from her when she visited him and his friend at their uni last weekend. I guess he’s bisexual when it’s to his personal benefit, though all of his networking profiles have the word “gay” about every three sentences. Anyway, my point is, she’s driving me crazy with this shit. I know that infatuations can happen for no rhyme or reason…but she’s also being totally unrealistic. Her greatest wish is for J to suddenly turn straight.

Now, me, I’m fairly realistic, and I’ve told her in varying ways and with various degrees of tact that she doesn’t have a chance with him, and he’s not just going to start dating her just because she gave him [oral]. But apparently, that makes me “a mean [b****]“.

How can I handle this situation? I’d frankly like to keep doing what I’ve -been- doing and change the subject when J comes up, but she’s started floating away from reality and really needs to be brought back down to earth.

Well, thanks for reading it, at least.

Signed,
Whatever happened to just being a happy fag hag?

First: I didn’t know happy fag hags existed.

Second: Damn, girl. I didn’t need your life story. You talk more than I do, and that’s sayin’ a lot.

Third: Only answer I’ve got for you is to mind your own business. Seriously. J’s not gay, J’s a horny a**hole who’s only gay when it’s convenient to get away from girls like your friend, and bi when he wants them on their knees. The problem isn’t that he’s gay and she’s waiting unrealistically for him to turn straight. It has nothing to do with his sexuality at all; it has to do with the fact that he’s a self-serving jerk who leads people on. You’ll find ‘em everywhere - male, female, gay, straight, bi, etc. He could “turn straight” and he’d still be treating her the same way.

It’s not your problem. Your friend’s an idiot. You said your piece, and later when she gets burned and comes crying to you, you can say “I told you so” even while being a good friend and patting her on the back. You can’t force her to act sensibly, though. If talking to her doesn’t bring her back down to earth, then there’s nothing else that you can do and honestly? If you try to be proactive, in the end you’re going to get screwed over. I’ve seen it happen too many times; whatever efforts you take will, in the end, be blamed for the other person’s unhappiness…rather than their own idiotic decisions. Then she’ll stop being like the sister you never had and start being the person who hates you just for trying to help. Seriously. She’s already calling you a mean b**** for being blunt with her. What do you think is going to happen if you do anything more? Even if you “save her from herself”, as the saying goes…do you really think it’s going to turn out well when she turns on you? Do you think she’s going to appreciate it?

Step back. Mind your own business. Let them be responsible for their own crash and burn, but be there to help pick up the pieces when it’s over; sometimes people (especially teenagers, and man, why is she giving this guy oral when she’s not even out of high school yet?) only learn by experience, and it sounds as if she’s not going to figure out the problem with this situation until she’s already hurt herself and gotten over it. If you’re happy with changing the subject, why are you worrying about this? You did the right thing in advising against it, now stop trying to be Mother Theresa and fixing the world’s problems. You might want to focus on a few of your own first.

And J, if you’re out there? Stop being a dick.

Speaking as one with his own issues,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

P.S. Completely off-topic from the original subject of the post, but….dear CNN: if “she” is FtM, then “she” would be “he”, thank you very much. Likewise “her” and “hers” would be “his”, and he would probably appreciate being referred to as Tony and not by anything else. It may be a novel concept to grasp, but I’d think showing that small bit of respect would be fairly easy for a CNN reporter. At the very least do a better job of explaining it and set a better example.

P.P.S. This definitely has nothing to do with the original topic of this post, but if I seem distracted this week, blame it on the PS2. Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus and Vincent Valentine have claimed my soul for the next few days. Why yes, I am a game geek. Why does that surprise you?

Ask Adri, fag hag, advice, relationships, gay/straight relationships, Cinthia Covarrubias, Tony Covarrubias, FtM, transgender, prom king, Fresno, Fresno High School

Since the other day’s poll on dating transgendered individuals turned into such a hot topic, I decided to keep with the theme and pull out this little gem from the mail bag for today’s Ask Adri column:

Dear Adri

Im 32M married two kids. I love my wife but i think about wearing her clothes a lot and being a woman. Ive been thinking about this a long time and sometimes I cd but its not enough. Its not just a sex kink. I think I wantto go all the way but I dont want to lose my wife and kids if I become a woman. I dont know what to do. Advice plz?

Thx
Curious2BFem

…man, am I glad I bought a new coffee pot before tackling this one.

All right, Curious. The first thing that I want to tell you is that you’re not alone in this. Many transwomen and transmen don’t come to the realization that they’ve had the need to transition to their chosen gender until after they’ve settled into what some consider a “normal” life as someone’s husband or wife, father or mother. It’s often a result of pressure to follow a preset path, rather than deviating to explore the path of understanding one’s own identity to be happy. To offer encouragement, many transwomen and transmen have supportive spouses and children who stay with them and continue to love them through the difficult struggle of transition and the change in life that comes afterwards. To be realistic, though, things like this can break a family apart. It’s unfortunate, it shouldn’t happen, but that’s life. Where you fall in the spectrum remains to be seen.

Before you think about doing anything, make sure you’re well-educated on what you intend to do. There are many websites (T-Vox.org, TSRoadmap.com, GenderTalk, you’ll find many others via Google) with resources for people thinking about transitioning, already in the process, or well settled into transitioned life.

Transition is a process that can seem both glamorous and terrifying; you’re proposing making a great deal of mostly permanent changes to your body, which either cannot be reversed or can only be reversed with expensive surgery when you’ve already spent a bomb on the initial surgery. Even if you only take hormones without any surgical options, that’s going to cause changes in your body chemistry resulting in adjustments to your physiology and the almost certain growth of breasts that aren’t going to magically melt away if you stop the injections. This isn’t a decision that you can make lightly, or even in a short period of time. You may take the first step towards transition fully intending to do everything possible to make yourself over into a transwoman, and then change your mind along the way about how far you want to go. That’s all right. Take it one step at a time and before you do anything, consult your physician about the effects that this will have on your health.

You know who else you may want to consult? Your wife. Talk to her, and listen to her; she may be angry or upset at first, but try not to get angry in return. Your best bet is to calmly, quietly explain to her how you feel, why, and what you’d like to do. Don’t lay down any ultimatums; you may make her feel cornered in the surprise of the moment, and cause an impulse reaction. If transition is something that you absolutely can’t live without, you are going to have to make her understand that, but ease her into it…and try to be willing to compromise where you can, or take things at a slower pace while she adjusts to the fact that her husband wants to become her wife and she’ll be moving from a heterosexual marriage into what is essentially a lesbian one.

It sounds as if your family is very important to you; if you love them and they love you they’ll often stick by you through just about anything, but that requires patience and communication on both sides. They may be angry at first; try to allow them that, if you can. Anger is a natural reaction when faced with something surprising and confusing, often knee-jerk and causing them to say things they don’t really think or feel. It will pass with patience and understanding, and if you’re willing to talk them down from it rather than shout it out, you’ll find them much more open and willing to accept what you have to say after the initial shock fades.

Understand that while you may be doing this for yourself, it is going to have an effect on your family outside the home and you need to consider that responsibly. If you begin to publicly transition, it will reflect on how people act towards you, your wife, and your children in social environments; some reactions will be awkward but polite, some encouraging, and some downright hostile. I’m not telling you this to discourage you; I’m telling you to prepare you, and so that you can prepare them if they decide to hang on with you through thick and thin. I’m hoping that they do. You’ll be in for many trials, and you’ll need each other to stand against them.

Give them as much information and support as you can; educate them as you educated yourself, so that you’re all standing on even footing. You may want to direct them towards organizations such as PFlag, as sometimes it helps to speak to others with transgendered family members to understand their experiences.

Remember that you’ll also be dealing with your extended family, both by blood and by marriage, and that they may have to be eased into this. There’s also a matter of name changes (should you choose to) and, depending on how far you go, asking a court to grant legal recognition of your new gender status once you’ve met certain requirements. Be prepared to spend quite a bit of money; the court costs will be the least of it. I won’t say it “might” be costly. It will be costly. Often it’s money and little else that stops people from following the transitional path of their choosing.

Once you educate yourself a bit more and come to a decision as to what to do: assuming that decision is to go full-steam-ahead with transition, try to find your nearest reputable GBLTQ clinic, or at least one known to be friendly. Google can again help you with this, and I’d recommend finding a TG/TS/TV group on Yahoo Groups or another social network, as you’ll find many supportive people there with a few inside tips on local resources. You’ll need a physical, blood tests, a prescription, the fortitude to stick yourself with a huge honkin’ needle (I’ve watched one of my MtF friends do it and it still makes me shudder), and most likely a therapist. Sometimes the therapist comes before the prescription, sometimes the other way around; it’s less a chicken/egg issue and more a matter of what your physician requires. Some will administer a prescription for estrogen after having a talk with you and determining that you understand what you’re undertaking and accept full responsibility for it; others require that you seek counseling with someone experienced with issues regarding gender identity.

Regardless of if your physician requires it or not, I’d recommend finding a trans-friendly therapist. You’re going to go through a number of ups and downs, from the novelty and joy of discovery and new experiences to the disappointments of dealing with some less-than-pleasant reactions to your choice…and if you take estrogen that’s going to affect your moods as well as you go through hormone cycles and your body chemistry shifts. You’ll need an experienced guiding hand to help hold you together so you come sailing through in one piece.

If you do go through with it, good luck, and I hope that things work out well for both you and your family. You’ll face a great deal of difficulty and social stigma, and criticism both from without the GBLTQ community and, unfortunately, from within. Remember that no matter how far you choose to go and whatever surgical or hormonal options you do or do not choose…no one can tell you how much of a woman you are except for you. Do as much as you need to make yourself happy, and don’t force anything excessive to meet another’s standards of what makes a “real” transwoman. Even if you wholly disdain hormones and surgery but adopt a female identity through crossdressing and shift of behavior/role, you’re as much of a woman as you need to be, as long as you’re happy.

“You go, girl” as a few people stuck in the 90s are wont to say,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

relationships, ftm, mtf, male-to-female, female-to-male, transgender, transsexual, gay transgender, lesbian transgender, transgender marriages, cross-dressing, gbltq, transition, sex change, gender reassignment

Dear Adri:

I’m a happily married lesbian, and even though most of the older members of our families are accepting, they still ask “who’s the man”. How can I make them understand that there doesn’t have to be a “woman” and a “man” in a gay relationship?

Thanks,
Not a man

You could do what I did to my mother (who, I recently discovered, reads this regularly, which rather creeps me out): you could explain to them in explicit detail who’s on top in the bedroom, including the exact physical mechanics of it and any accessories required. I guarantee they’ll stop asking. They’ll stop even wanting to wonder, because they’ll realize they don’t want to know. Few want to picture their younger relatives caught in the middle of the dirty deed.

No? Doesn’t work for you? But the reaction’s really funny…

Okay, okay, we’ll try the diplomatic approach. This is a question I’ve dealt with from many quarters, from my parents right down to nosy coworkers, and it’s never an easy issue to address. The first thing that I always have to do is check my knee-jerk reaction of irritation and exasperation, settle my hackles, and remind myself that nine out of ten times, the person asking doesn’t mean to be nearly as insulting as they come across. They aren’t trying to be rude; they just don’t know any better.

With that in mind, it does fall on our shoulders to explain to them so that they do know better. I’ve found that the best tack to take is to calmly and patiently remind your family - or whoever’s asking - that you and your partner are the same gender, so there’s no separating you into the “man” and “woman” of a relationship based on behavioral roles, and that you have an entirely different dynamic. Explain that you’re equal partners and what matters to the two of you isn’t who gets to fulfill the male or female role in the relationship, but who your partner is as a person and how your individual dynamic works together.

In truth, that probably won’t sink in at first. It takes a lot of time and acclimation to break people of this idea that any balanced relationship must have a male/female element regardless of the genders of the people involved (and that includes relationships between two transgenders or relationships between a transgender and a non-transgendered person). One way I’ve found that works best is to point out extremely close same-sex friendships between heterosexuals; in many ways a relationship is (or should be) just like a close, trusting platonic friendship, and yet in friendships there is no requirement that one be the man and one be the woman.

Explain to your family that your relationship is just the same as a stable, balanced, loving friendship - down to the point where you love your friends even when you want to throttle them - but with intimacy and further commitment involved. It’s not going to make them understand immediately, but it will help them take baby steps across that gap once they can find a parallel that they understand in everyday life. Once they grasp that, try to remind them that you and your partner are people that they know as unique individuals, and that nothing about what they know about you has changed enough that they need to redefine you in either a male or female role as opposed to your partner.

The social stereotypes of the male and female roles are just that: stereotypes, not concrete necessity. Love is love, period. It doesn’t know gender, and it doesn’t require a solid element of male or female. It’s about you, and nothing else. Many heterosexual couples break the social stereotype; they may physically be male and female, but their roles in their relationship don’t fulfill the traditional social stereotype of who’s the “man” and who’s the “woman” - and I don’t just mean the old jokes of “well, we know who really wears the pants in that relationship!”

More and more relationships are becoming a thing of balanced equality between two people who both have careers, life goals, hobbies, etc. They’re socially equal outside their relationship, and remain socially equal inside their relationship regardless of the fact that they have different anatomy. Try to explain that it’s exactly the same for homosexual relationships; we just happen to have one more thing in common with our partners beyond steady jobs, etc. (As Noxema Jackson/Wesley Snipes said, “For starters, the same business between your legs - boink, boink, boinkboinkboink.”)

Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to tackle this. I wish there was. You often have to take it on a case-by-case basis and try to explain with consideration for the person you’re talking to and how they think, and sometimes it still won’t register. They may get it over time; they may never get it at all. The important thing is to be patient and never lose your cool. Arguing about it is just going to cause the other person to block out what you’re saying, because at that point to listen to you means to lose the argument.

Once they do understand, you may want to remind them (and other people in your life who ask) that it’s just as rude and invasive to ask homosexuals about our relationships in that fashion as it is to ask heterosexuals. I, for one, don’t mind explaining the first time; as I said, the majority don’t realize that they’re being offensive (and sometimes making me feel like a circus performer putting on an act in front of a sign that says “Look at the amazing homosexual! Marvel at his strange ways!”). If someone doesn’t have the patience to educate them then they’ll never really get it, and they’ll never be able to accept it as normal rather than as some freakish novelty that needs to be stared at, prodded, and picked apart.

But once they know, they should remember that a little common courtesy goes a long way and that they should respect the social and personal boundaries of their gay/lesbian/bi/transgender friends and family in the same way that they’d respect those of their straight friends and family.

Good luck,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

ask adri, gay relationships, lesbian relationships, relationship issues, non-gender-biased relationships

Good morning, happy Monday, and will someone please either fix my coffee pot or get me a new one before I go ballistic on someone? This instant crap is not cutting it. Hopefully doing this morning’s Ask Adri column will wake me up. Today’s is…well, it’s something else. I’ll be honest: when I first read this letter, my initial thoughts ran somewhere along the lines of “wtf?” followed by “if I were your fiancee, I’d slap you.”

Dear Adrien,

My fiancee will be moving to California soon and she will no longer have her gay best friend around. How do I find another gay man for her to be friends with so I don’t have to go see the new Hairspray movie/Scissor Sisters Concerts/Rent?

Any help in this manner would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Too Straight in California

My friend, if you’re thinking of putting out a personals ad for your fiancee: put the newspaper down, and don’t you dare call to ask about advertising rates. Do you realize that you’re effectively asking me how you can pimp your lady out for a new gay man?

This entire concept is a bad idea, and a disaster waiting to happen. Not only that, it’s just rude.

First: your fiancee’s gay best friend isn’t just a stereotypical token to take your place at social events that you deem “too gay” for you to possibly enjoy. He’s a person that has more value to her than that, with a personality, hobbies, a life that makes him your future wife’s friend and confidante, and not this cardboard substitute. You can’t replace that just by picking out another queer and shoving him at her.

Second: Not all gay men like the same things. Frankly, I’m not that big on Scissor Sisters, and yet one of my straight friends loves them. Same with Rent. Don’t pigeonhole us.

Third: Your fiancee (who may or may not become your wife if you actually attempt something as screwheaded as trying to find a new gay friend for her) is a grown woman who is perfectly capable of making friends on her own. She doesn’t need you to play matchmaker for her. Have a little more respect than that.

Being “too straight” is no excuse for being dense. Explain to your fiancee that you don’t enjoy going to these events with her, but you wouldn’t mind doing other things together that you both enjoy…but don’t try to foist her off on someone else to ease your conscience. No doubt she’d rather go alone than put up with you fidgeting through the entire thing, or the awkwardness of dealing with some strange fellow that her husband-to-be picked out for her. She might make new friends with the same interests - male, female, gay, straight, it won’t matter - but that’s her business, and her social life.

If she wants your help with that, she’ll ask you. Otherwise, man, just step out of it before you step in it up to your bloody neck. There are very few ways that this can end well, and I don’t see many of them in your future.

Caffeine-deficiently yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

ask adri, gay social life, gay friends, rent, scissor sisters, hairspray

I would pick Friday the bloody 13th to start doing my Ask Adri column. Let’s hope this isn’t a portent of something ill-fated. My coffee pot’s already broken and I am not happy about it, so let’s pour the nasty instant coffee and see who’s the first to fall under the knife of this self-appointed gay issues advice columnist.

Hesitant friend wrote:

Dear Adrian,

Me, personally, I’m straight (and female). To my supreme annoyance, most of my male friends are gay. That’s not really an issue, though, past the random “why are the good ones never straight?” question. One of my friends is incredibly shy and new to the area, and he’s asked me to pretend to be his “date” to a local bar. Not the normal type of bar, of course, I wouldn’t mind that. This particular bar is well known to be the local gay/lesbian/crossdresser spot (not transgender… I don’t think).

Anyway, I know he’s cool, but I’m a little… mmmm… reluctant to go. For all that I have several gay male friends, I know almost no lesbians, and I’m hesitant about how they and the other people at this bar will react. It’s silly, I know, but still. Advice?

First off, honey, you misspelled my name - but I’ll forgive you for it this time. Next time I’m taking you to my stylist and telling her to give you a bright gold weave with purple streaks.

Second, I’m going to ignore the fact that several of the things you said are phrased in ways that would get you smacked upside your nappy little head if you were one of my straight friends.

All kidding aside: what are you afraid of? Straight women go to gay bars with their gay friends all the time, trust me. A lot of the straight women that I know prefer gay bars because they feel safer there with fewer straight male sleazes assuming that they’re there looking for sex. You won’t exactly be anything out of the ordinary.

Your exact concern isn’t wholly clear in your letter. From what I can tell you’re either A.) afraid that people (especially lesbians, from your commentary) will condemn you for invading where you don’t belong, B.) afraid that lesbians will hit on you, or C.) afraid that people will think you’re gay and rumors will start. So I’ll just address all three and hope that there’s something useful for you in there.

A.) First, believe it or not, lesbians are not these scary militant creatures who will attack you for being straight. Lesbians are women just like you and…uh…well, just like you. Yes, sometimes there is a sense of solidarity in the GBLTQ community involved with guarding against heterosexuals as the “outsiders”, but only in such cases where those heterosexuals are obviously and aggressively homophobic and we feel the need to close ranks and present a united front.

Friends are welcome to anyone regardless of sexuality, and in most cases supportive heterosexual friends are quite accepted in what some prefer to call “alternative” bars. Imagine what kind of crappy social life a lesbian or gay man would have if she or he had to exclude all their straight friends from outings just because they dared to be attracted to the opposite sex. As long as you don’t start bringing in the hetero legions to crowd out the gay element and turn it into a straight bar or start trying to feel up the gay guys there in your own rendition of a sexual assault case in the making, there shouldn’t be a problem.

Oh yeah. And don’t try to convert anyone, or start holy-rollin’ and telling all and sundry that they’re going to hell. That…wouldn’t go over very well.

Let’s not forget that you won’t be wearing a name badge that says “Hi, my name is _______, and I’m straight!” No one’s going to notice The Big Scary Hetero, or care. They’ll see you’re there with a friend and that’s all that’ll matter. You may get the occasional bad apples, and the conclusive feeling varies from person to person, but for the most part you’ll find everyone open-minded and accepting.

B.) Lesbians also aren’t raging hormone-balls that indiscriminately jump on anything with breasts and a va-hoo-hoo. Yes, you may be approached by other women, but they’re not exactly going to grope you. I’ve never understood why a lot of straight people assume that a homosexual cannot control his or her desires when within leg-humping range of a member of the same sex. (I’m not saying you think that; that’s just a pet peeve of mine, and you get to listen to me gripe about it.) There’s a matter of decorum, expressing interest, and waiting to see if interest is returned - same as in any straight bar. If another woman approaches you and expresses interest, just smile politely and tell her that you’re there with someone. For the most part you can be sure that she’ll respect that and back off like any other normal human being, and you can bask in the flattery of being attractive to other women.

C.) If you’re seriously afraid that rumors will spread about your sexuality, I have to ask: what’s so wrong with being gay that this would be traumatic? If you’re secure enough in yourself and your sexuality, then someone else’s wrong guess or a rumor that will die down eventually - and they always do - shouldn’t affect you at all. Forget about it. Be confident in who you are, and don’t worry that one night playing beard to your friend will have drastic repercussions.

The bottom line for all three of those answers is this: don’t worry about anyone else. If you’re going to go, go to have fun and be there for your friend; he’s nervous, asking you to go out on a limb for him, and will probably understand that you’re hesitant but hope you’re willing to take the plunge with him anyway. I’m sure he’ll understand if you’ve got a reason for not wanting to go, but he’ll probably be hurt if that reason is “I’m afraid the other queers won’t like me”.

Just have a good time. Trust me, after a few Long Island iced teas, you won’t care anyway. Enjoy yourself, and don’t get so drunk that you end up going home with the scariest skeeze in the bar and giving people something to really talk about.

Now, that’s just my opinion, from the POV of a gay man who doesn’t have a single problem with straight women in gay bars. For a different perspective, check out the opinion of a woman who’s been to plenty of gay bars, and may just understand your discomfort despite the fact that her experience has been with predominantly male environments. Maybe her example of a first-hand experience can give you a better idea of what to expect.

Love, luck, and gods I can’t stand lollipops,
~Adri

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ask adri, gay life, gay social life, gay bars, gays with straight friends