Darkside Rainbow

One of my friends gave me a good laugh last night; she and I were talking on AIM, and I asked if she and her wife were going to register for domestic partner benefits since they live in Seattle. Her response?

“We didn’t even know about that… O.o Shows just how much we pay attention to things.”

Sometimes I forget that not everyone keeps up with these things as avidly as I do, since it’s my job. Ah, well, that’s why I love her. Adorable thing.

Today I’m going to go out on a limb and get a little bit personal, and I’m going to have to ask in advance that my Darling Boyfriend^TM (formerly known as The Ex^TM) doesn’t kill me for it. Darling Boyfriend and I both have a couple of bad habits in relationships, ones that drive each other crazy but that thankfully aren’t prevalent enough to affect our relationship on a day-to-day basis or create enormously insurmountable issues that make us wholly incompatible. They’re the kind of little twitch-point that everyone has with their partner or spouse, and learning to deal with those things and love your partner despite them is the basis for just about any long-term relationship. You can bet that no marriage would survive if people constantly divorced because he keeps forgetting anniversaries or she has an addiction to designer handbags (or vice-versa, in some cases).

The other night, however, we got into a rip-roaring fight that I freely admit was my fault, because here’s my major bad habit: I get a little upset and accusatory over things rather than just talking them out. This might not seem like such a big deal, but when I say ‘upset and accusatory’, I’m talking diva style, and you can bet that’s part of the reason I scored a 60% on the Diva Test. Sometimes he calls me Scarlett, and unfortunately I’ve earned the name. I’ve grown up a bit and I’m not nearly as bad as I used to be, and I’m working on getting better. My catty little tantrums usually last for a minute or two, and then I calm down and act like a rational human being.

This time, though, one of his bad habits tripped me off and I, feeling wounded and aggrieved, went to bed not speaking to him and sulking quite thoroughly about it. The next day he came to me wanting to talk things out; he’s the peacemaker in our relationship, and I love him for it and for how he can make me smile no matter how angry I am. Over the course of me explaining (in adult fashion, this time, though we can all be a bit childish when we’re upset) just what it was that upset me, the following exchange ensued:

“I’ll try to change that, Adri.”
“Men don’t change. If you need to change a man, then you shouldn’t be with him.”

Some of that was my guilt over being a brat talking, but that really got me thinking, you know? Because sometimes that’s true, sometimes it isn’t. I’m trying to change my bad habits for him, he’s trying to change his bad habits for me, and on both sides the things we’re trying to change would be bad in any relationship - not just with each other. We aren’t trying to change each other as people; we’re willingly acknowledging our own flaws and saying “I know this bothers you, so I’ll work on it if you’ll be patient with me.”

But it got me wondering: how much change is too much? You hear stories of people in relationships where their partner basically took them on as a project, making over not only their look and style but their entire personality and daily routine. Sometimes you hear of these people being grateful for it. More often, however, the beleaguered significant other feels trapped, caged, as if he or she cannot even be themselves and must be on performance always in front of their partner, only relaxing when their taskmaster/mistress is not around. That sort of situation, whether it’s a total makeover or just the reformation of a single trait, can lead to resentment and one miserable partner.

Where do you draw the line between healthy change and forced-march reformation? How do you know if the changes you’re discussing are compromises for the sake of yourselves, each other, and the relationship…or if you and your partner are forcing each other into unnatural behavior in order to make each other happy, while making yourselves miserable? I’d like to think that my boyfriend and I make each other happy, and that these little habitual changes that we’re both working on are safe, comfortable compromises. But how can one tell?

I can only tell you the criteria by which I judge. First, if the behavior is harmful to your partner, harmful to you, or harmful to your relationship, it most likely needs to be evaluated and discussed with your partner. No matter what you do, you can’t force change on your partner; they have to assess the situation themselves, decide if they agree or not, and be willing to change on their own. Ultimatums are not the way to go; “fix this or I’ll leave” is just another way of forcing something unwanted down your partner’s throat. If the two of you can have a mutual exchange about the issue and your other half willingly says, “I know this bothers you and understand that it’s harmful, and I want to change this habit for the sake of our relationship” (or something similar) then you’re in the clear.

Keep in mind that it’s going to be slow going, and they can’t ditch a habit overnight. Keep in mind, also, that they may have a habit or two they’ll want to talk to you about, as well. Be open and willing to consider. Hell, working on your bad habits together can even help to bring you closer. It works for me and for Darling Boyfriend. At this point we even have inside jokes about it, although obviously we still get in the expected kerfluffle now and then.

Also keep in mind that changing that habit can’t be the central focus of your relationship, and you can’t watch them like a hawk and make them feel as if they’re being judged every moment on whether or not they’re really trying to ditch the little behavioral trait. If all you can focus on is that one bad habit without appreciating the good things, then there are bigger issues in your relationship that you need to pay attention to. The issue of the bad habit should only be an issue when they do it again. Otherwise, forget about it.

You’ll notice the key word I’m using here, over and over again, is habit. I’m talking about changing something your partner does, not changing who your partner is. You can’t really change one person into another person, and you’re just going to make them unhappy if you try. If you need to change your partner into another person, then really, you just need to be with another person. Asking them to do something like show a little more affection now and then shouldn’t be a big deal. Asking them to completely change their life goals to suit your idea of what they should be?

Big deal.

Those are just examples, but they illustrate the basic idea. The main factors here are scale and impact. How big of an issue is this, and what impact does it have on you and your partner? How much change will this issue require, and what impact will the attempted change have on your other half? In the end you have to take each situation one at a time, pick your battles, and always - always - be willing to talk these things out with your partner before turning a minor twitch into a fatal and criminal flaw for which you constantly berate them. Remember that you aren’t perfect, either, so before you start judging your partner…as the saying goes, “physician, know thyself”.

I’ve been phrasing this in the contexts of gay and lesbian relationships, but in the end that applies to all relationships. Some change can be healthy, and compromise is required in all relationships. Are you willing to compromise? Is your partner willing to compromise for you? Do you try to change your partner?

Do you think you can - and do you think you should?

relationship issues, gay and lesbian relationships, long-term relationships