Darkside Rainbow

Mr. Sanders: [note from Adri: I already know this is a straight guy, and the poor bugger's so uncomfortable approaching me]

My wife has proposed recently that we explore more in the bedroom and bring in a third.She wants it to be a woman. She wants to have sex with a woman while I watch then wants all three of us together. She says she has had fantasies about this. I don’t know what to tell her. Its hot. Really hot But what if she doesn’t like men after sex with a woman? I don’t know what to think. Help [me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope].

Me

I’ve really got to stop MST3King reader letters.

Waaaaaaaaait.

Your wife is basically offering to fulfill every straight man’s wildest dream…and you’re complaining?

I am still on Earth, right?

Teasing aside, though, I understand your concern. You’re worried that if a little kinky play turns into serious interest in the particular shade of grass on the other side, you’ll lose your wife for good. Although this probably sounds like my answer to every question, you really need to talk to her about this instead of asking people outside your relationship to assess the situation. Communication is the key to every relationship, as Hallmark-cutesy as that sounds. The gagworthiness of the sentiment doesn’t dilute the truth of it in the slightest.

Ask her about her desires. Ask her if she feels as if she’s seriously attracted to women, or if she’s just looking to be a little naughty between the sheets and happened to pick same-sex play from a list of possibly appealing kinks. Let her know about your concerns without accusing her; remember, she’s not trying to cheat on you with another woman. She’s proposing activities to make your sex life more exciting, and actively working to include you. Even if you don’t like the possible outcome, her intentions were with your well-being and titillation in mind. These are her fantasies, yes, but her fantasies involve you. You should be a little proud. Most wives’ fantasies (and mine) involve Antonio Banderas.

If it’s just a kink and you’re that uncomfortable with it, she probably won’t mind passing on it and looking for other ways to spice up your bedroom activities without involving other people. As long as you talk things over without fighting and come to a mutual agreement, it shouldn’t be an issue.

If she tells you that she’s always harbored attractions to other women but that she loves you and is still attracted to you, then you’re going to have to trust her. Ask her not to experiment with other women because it makes you worry about losing her, but accept that this is a part of her and it may one day mean that she’s going to swerve down that other road and leave you. If she does, it won’t have anything to do with whether or not she fooled around in a two-on-one girl-on-guy with you. She’d have done it eventually anyway; it just would have taken longer. It does happen now and then; comfortably married women will finally decide that they can’t ignore their sexuality any longer and will move away from their husbands to seek out relationships with other women. If that happens, it won’t be your fault. It won’t be a negative reflection on you. It would just be the way things happened.

Unless she actually tells you that’s what’s going on, though, don’t assume that’s what’s happening. Don’t take “Yes, I’m sometimes attracted to women” to definitively mean “Yes, I will leave you some day.” Until the day it happens, trust her to love you and remain faithful. Don’t be suspicious of her, and don’t try to look for signs in everything she says or does. You’ll only end up undermining your relationship, when she’d likely have been happy with you for the rest of her life.

The point is, I can’t tell you from whence her desires stem. You have to ask her, and trust her to be honest with you - as long as you make it possible for her to speak to you openly without fear of condemnation. Don’t puff up behind that male ego and assault her because your wife’s interest in a little girl-on-girl makes you feel like your mini-me is more “mini” than “me”. Don’t shut down and refuse to discuss the topic. I know, men are bad at listening. No, let me rephrase that: we’re bloody awful at it.

Try anyway.

I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by what she has to say.

Listening like Frasier Crane,
~Adri

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ask adri, gay advice column, lesbian fantasies