Ask Adri: What should I do about my wife’s lesbian fantasies?
Mr. Hutchinson: [note from Adri: I already know this is a straight guy, and the poor bugger's so uncomfortable approaching me]
My wife has proposed recently that we explore more in the bedroom and bring in a third.She wants it to be a woman. She wants to have sex with a woman while I watch then wants all three of us together. She says she has had fantasies about this. I don’t know what to tell her. Its hot. Really hot But what if she doesn’t like men after sex with a woman? I don’t know what to think. Help [me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope].
Me
I’ve really got to stop MST3King reader letters.
Waaaaaaaaait.
Your wife is basically offering to fulfill every straight man’s wildest dream…and you’re complaining?
I am still on Earth, right?
Teasing aside, though, I understand your concern. You’re worried that if a little kinky play turns into serious interest in the particular shade of grass on the other side, you’ll lose your wife for good. Although this probably sounds like my answer to every question, you really need to talk to her about this instead of asking people outside your relationship to assess the situation. Communication is the key to every relationship, as Hallmark-cutesy as that sounds. The gagworthiness of the sentiment doesn’t dilute the truth of it in the slightest.
Ask her about her desires. Ask her if she feels as if she’s seriously attracted to women, or if she’s just looking to be a little naughty between the sheets and happened to pick same-sex play from a list of possibly appealing kinks. Let her know about your concerns without accusing her; remember, she’s not trying to cheat on you with another woman. She’s proposing activities to make your sex life more exciting, and actively working to include you. Even if you don’t like the possible outcome, her intentions were with your well-being and titillation in mind. These are her fantasies, yes, but her fantasies involve you. You should be a little proud. Most wives’ fantasies (and mine) involve Antonio Banderas.
If it’s just a kink and you’re that uncomfortable with it, she probably won’t mind passing on it and looking for other ways to spice up your bedroom activities without involving other people. As long as you talk things over without fighting and come to a mutual agreement, it shouldn’t be an issue.
If she tells you that she’s always harbored attractions to other women but that she loves you and is still attracted to you, then you’re going to have to trust her. Ask her not to experiment with other women because it makes you worry about losing her, but accept that this is a part of her and it may one day mean that she’s going to swerve down that other road and leave you. If she does, it won’t have anything to do with whether or not she fooled around in a two-on-one girl-on-guy with you. She’d have done it eventually anyway; it just would have taken longer. It does happen now and then; comfortably married women will finally decide that they can’t ignore their sexuality any longer and will move away from their husbands to seek out relationships with other women. If that happens, it won’t be your fault. It won’t be a negative reflection on you. It would just be the way things happened.
Unless she actually tells you that’s what’s going on, though, don’t assume that’s what’s happening. Don’t take “Yes, I’m sometimes attracted to women” to definitively mean “Yes, I will leave you some day.” Until the day it happens, trust her to love you and remain faithful. Don’t be suspicious of her, and don’t try to look for signs in everything she says or does. You’ll only end up undermining your relationship, when she’d likely have been happy with you for the rest of her life.
The point is, I can’t tell you from whence her desires stem. You have to ask her, and trust her to be honest with you - as long as you make it possible for her to speak to you openly without fear of condemnation. Don’t puff up behind that male ego and assault her because your wife’s interest in a little girl-on-girl makes you feel like your mini-me is more “mini” than “me”. Don’t shut down and refuse to discuss the topic. I know, men are bad at listening. No, let me rephrase that: we’re bloody awful at it.
Try anyway.
I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by what she has to say.
Listening like Frasier Crane,
~Adri
ask adri, gay advice column, lesbian fantasies
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December 7th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
” It does happen now and then; comfortably married women will finally decide that they can’t ignore their sexuality any longer and will move away from their husbands to seek out relationships with other women. If that happens, it won’t be your fault. It won’t be a negative reflection on you. It would just be the way things happened.”
That is where I am right now. I used that same sexual fantasy with my husband to try and satisfy myself for a long time - thinking I could push it all away and keep things nice and easy. Eventually though, it becomes impossible to keep living a lie and you have to move into a place of truth. And as amazing and wonderful as that has been for me, it also sucks big time, for everyone involved.
I think your advice is dead on. I have several married friends who have experimented with women, whether with their husband or on their own, but who will at most identify as bi-curious, usually still itentify as straight. Their marriages are still as strong (or not strong) as they were before they experimented.
The problem for this guy is that he cannot really know - and that SHE might not really know. Denial is a powerful, powerful thing. Now that I have started being honest with myself - coming out to my husband and those closest to me - I know that I have memories of being intersted in women that go back at least 14 years - probably even further. Not once in that time (up until the last year or so) did I ever even admit to myself for a fraction of a second that I was anything other than hetero.
Anyway, I am totally rambling - but just wanted to say that I thought you provided a great answer to a really tough question.
Jen
- for anyone reading in a similar situation, I am trying to record my story as honestly as possible in hopes that it might help someone else who finds themself along the same path.
http://awakenings.blogsome.com
December 7th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Ooh… Well, she could have asked for another man. Instead she chose a woman. It could be that it’s just one of her own fantasies. But it could also be that she’s being considerate of him while trying to fulfill one of her fantasies.
Besides, since she’s so straightforward, I also think that asking her is the best he could do… *being a little nosey*
December 10th, 2007 at 3:06 am
Jen -
Thanks for your comments (including the one you left to the other Ask Adri post), and especially for sharing. The man who wrote this wrote me again and said that both my answer and hearing things from your perspective helped him sort himself out, and that whatever his wife says he’s going to try to listen and take things in stride. He wanted me to pass along his thanks to you.
December 11th, 2007 at 12:48 am
Oh wow - I’m glad my rambling post was helpful on some level. I wish him and his wife the very best, and hope they are able to navigate this as smoothly as possible.
December 27th, 2007 at 1:18 am
My advise, rather than trying to figure out her needs, which I would bet you have been working at for too long, dump her and move on to a better place for yourself. If she has the right to desire a better, different relation, you do too. Don’t you want to have peace of mind that your partner isn’t whacked? That you can trust your partner? Man,I’m sorry for your uncertainty. I think it’s abusive, and you should not stand for
it. If she really cared for you, she would’nt do this. It will be difficult to leave the relationship, but you will be happy you did when you finaly find your true mate in life. Believe me you will find a better person if you know in your heart what you want and don’t settle for less. Keep your standards high and nose up. I’ve been there and I’m glad I’m not there anymore. It’s her problem not yours.
March 5th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
For that past nine days we have been snowed in. This has not been really significantly fun as all seven kids are already trapped inside the house with me for a fantastic deal in the time. It has been too cold for them to stay out for any length of time. To add to that, our electric keeps proceeding in and out. Whenever we do have electricity we charge the laptop battery. When the electricity goes out, we either play games, read or Watch Frasier Online. thanks to our generator. I’m glad we found the website where we can do this as it keeps everyone occupied and quiet. I consider I miss the quiet most of all.
March 9th, 2010 at 10:30 pm
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May 12th, 2010 at 8:39 pm
Thanks for this good relationship article. It will just help mine out. Thanks again!