Darkside Rainbow

Thanks to everyone who participated in yesterday’s survey. The results were about as (welcomely) diverse as I expected, even though a largely female sample demographic may have slanted things a little.

I’m really not in the mood to trawl the headlines looking for something to get pissed off about today; I’ve been in a good mood all week and I’d like to keep it that way, so in the tradition of Dear Abby, I’m going to pull a letter out of the Ask Adri bag today.

Dear Adri,

My name is Chelsea, and I’m 18. I am fairly sure I’m bisexual. My I’ve talked to my father, with whom I’ve always been very open and who has always been very open with me. I am lucky to have someone so accepting to support me, however, I’m afraid it’s made our already strange relationship stranger. The dynamic of our relationship has always been different from most father/daugther relationships because my mom passed away before I was two years old. Gradually I’ve taken over, in some sense, the role of the woman of the house. I’ve also always reminded my father of his late wife, my late mother. He supports me and doesn’t seem to be upset about my sexuality, but he seems, at times, to feel betrayed. I only wonder if it is normal for a parent to feel betrayed or if it has to do with my rather odd role in his life. Was I wrong to say anything? Any opinions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Yours truly,
Chelsea

In my opinion, it’s never wrong to be honest about your sexuality. Now as to whether or not it’s actually wise? That’s another matter.

In this case, though, I don’t think it was particularly unwise. Parents are funny things (and on that note, I’ve got a story to tell you kids about mine, but that can wait until tomorrow), but they’re also the people we turn to first for acceptance and understanding, and often those upon whom the most hinges. Regardless of what kind of relationship you have with your parents, reactions can and will vary vastly.

Your father may be less betrayed than confused. Nine times out of ten, a parent’s first question on discovering that their child is gay, bisexual, or anything other than straight is “where did I go wrong?” Hell, my parents are still asking each other that, and I’ve been out for years. It takes a while for them to get past that hurdle, and there are many more hurdles still to follow.

You need to understand that what’s been obvious to you all this time as you worked it out for yourself may not have been obvious to him, and he’s probably puzzled and thinking back over the years looking for signs that he missed - and probably kicking himself and thinking that he should have known. He’ll be studying you with a touch of bemusement, rethinking his perceptions of your mannerisms and habits. He might even be wondering why you didn’t tell him sooner, if you have such a close relationship and he’s openly supportive; and that may be contributing to that sense of betrayal that you’re picking up.

Even more, he’s having to reevaluate your relationship, and this is where your current role in the house may have some influence on how he responded to your coming out. Discussing your sexuality with him places him in the firm role of a parent, rather than a platonic companion. You’re suddenly his little girl again, turning to her father for acceptance. That’s going to upset the comfortable daily routine for a little bit until he gets settled with bisexuality as a part of your identity, realizes that nothing’s really changed, and things drift back to normal. He may also have questions, but not be sure how to ask them or if it’s even appropriate to ask them.

The best thing to do is just ask him about it. Since I don’t know what kind of person your father is, I don’t know if he’d take the direct approach best or if you should build up to it subtly, but I’m sure you can work out the best path. Just find a way to ask him, “Hey, Dad? Is there anything about my sexuality that makes you uncomfortable? Were there any questions you wanted to ask me? I’d be happy to talk about it and clear up anything that’s bothering you.”

Hope that was at least a tiny bit helpful.

Taking a stab in the dark,
~Adri

ask adri, gay advice column, bisexuality, coming out, coming out to your parents