Darkside Rainbow

Dear Adri,

I have a friend (let’s call her Kate) who I am pretty sure is gay. Being ridiculously curious (and also harboring a slight crush on her) I would love to know if I’m correct or not. However, she’s remained very tight-lipped about topics of a sexual nature - she’s never mentioned any crushes she’s ever had and I’m know she’s never dated or even kissed anyone before (we’re college students, by the way, which makes that a little more unusual). Kate has recently been telling me about someone else we know (Molly) who is pursuing her pretty aggressively, and while Kate has made it clear she’s not interested in this other person, she hasn’t said “because I’m straight” or “because I’m asexual” or anything, just that Molly is “kind of freaking her out” because she keeps showing up in Kate’s suite uninvited.

Recently one of her suitemates, someone who I think is even closer to Kate than I am, mentioned to me that none of the suitemates know whether Kate is gay, either. (She said this to me in the context of telling me about how Molly showed up in their suite one day and asked Kate’s entire suite whether Kate was gay when Kate got up to go to the bathroom!) Is Kate’s clear avoidance of the subject a sign that I should let sleeping dogs lie? Is it possible that she just doesn’t know whether she’s gay or not? I’ve had people tell me to “just ask her!” but I get the feeling she might not respond well to a direct “You sure like the Indigo Girls a lot! So, are you gay?” type question since she’s so private, but it seems like the only way to get a straight (ooh, ignore that horrendous pun) answer out of her. I’ve tried to sneak it out of her with leading questions such as (I think this was my most recent attempt): “Wow, Kate! Your Halloween costume is so hot, who are you trying to seduce? It would totally work.” but she just laughs and says “No one!” or something else equally vague. I also haven’t told her that I’m bisexual - could that be a good lead-up to some sort of let’s-all-confess-our-attraction-to-girls talk of some kind? Whether or not I figure this out, I like her enough so that I don’t want to make things awkward.

Wondering in Worcester

Oh, honey, I know it’s probably driving you nuts to sit on your feelings and your curiosity this way, but asking Kate directly is definitely not the way to go. You’ll end up making her as uncomfortable as that creepy stalker-child Molly (who sounds like she needs a few lessons in common courtesy, tact, and social graces - preferably from my grandmother, who’d happily enforce them with a wooden spoon across the knuckles).

I can’t really hazard a guess as to which way Kate might lean just based on the described behavior, as actually she sounds a lot like one of my sisters - who’s 100% hetero, but for the longest time was extremely reserved and uncomfortable around men to the point of being defensive and wouldn’t talk about anything related to sex or sexuality in any capacity. She didn’t date in high school or in college because she didn’t know how to act with boys, and remained staunchly single until her late twenties, when a close male friend made the first move and approached her carefully enough not to make her skittish. (She’s a very intimidating munchkin. Very intimidating. And yet she’ll bolt at the first sign of aggressive male attention.) People wondered if she was a lesbian, too, and she deflected the question because it embarrassed her. So the fact that Kate hasn’t had a boyfriend by now, or those other behavioral signs, may not really mean much.

At the same time, as you said, she may not be sure of her own sexuality. She may have just started to question; college is an environment that lets you explore these ideas that may not even have occurred earlier on in life. If she’s at that stage she’s probably doing a lot of thinking, and wrestling with herself internally. She won’t be willing to openly admit anything until she’s really sure that she wants to take that step.

But yet again, she may know quite well that she bats for the girls’ team and just doesn’t want to expose herself. She may have many reasons for being discreet; they could involve family, her potential career, even fear of losing her friends. Sometimes people want to stay in the closet for a while, so even if your suspicions are correct, she’ll deny them until she’s good and ready to come out.

There are so many possible interpretations for her behavior, and I don’t want you to get your hopes up because you’re seeing what you want to see and hoping that maybe, just maybe, she might be open to your advances. Don’t press her; you may end up losing a friend and getting slotted into a category with a crazy woman. You’ve already given yourself the best advice anyone could give; let slip about your own sexuality in a relaxed, non-aggressive way so she knows you’re supportive if she wants to come out to you, but don’t beat her about the head with the issue. Let her take her time.

If you really have to, if it’s just eating you up inside…you can even tell her about your crush, but don’t tell her about any assumptions you’ve made about her. Don’t pry at her to return the sentiment, or even tell you definitively if she’s remotely interested in girls. I wouldn’t even ask her to tell you yes or no on whether she’d date you just as a hypothetical; just tell her you wanted her to know how you felt, that you’re not expecting her to do or say anything about it, and that you’re not expecting anything to change because of it. If you really feel brave enough to put yourself out there and risk potential rejection, then it’s all right to reveal information about yourself as long as you don’t make her feel cornered or try to drag information out of her. That way you aren’t pushing at her personal boundaries too much.

I know “just leave it alone” isn’t the advice you wanted to hear, but that’s honestly the best thing to do. Find subtle ways to let her know you’re open to the idea if she wants to talk about it, but beyond that just let it rest. If she wants you to know, she’ll work up to telling you. Otherwise, just respect her privacy. I’m sure it wouldn’t make her feel very good to know that her sexuality is a common subject of gossip.

Best of luck to you,
~Adri

P.S. Sorry this is late, everyone. I wrote this last night and set it to drip today, and apparently WordPress didn’t publish it. I, being a stupid sod, didn’t notice until this afternoon.

ask adri, gay advice column, coming out