Ask Adri: Is homosexuality caused by sexual abuse?
Today’s Ask Adri question isn’t the usual request for advice, but I feel strongly compelled to post and answer it anyway, because the question asked simply staggers me and I can’t help but think that even if this person doesn’t need situational advice, they do need guidance and information. Someone’s got to flip the other side of the coin. So here goes.
Hey, Adri.
I’m not gay or anything, but a couple of my friends are. I brought one friend to Church with me the past weekend and he met my pastor. I guess he’s kind of out there, because my pastor figured out he was gay without asking. He was really nice to him and invited him to come back, but later he asked to talk to me and started asking me weird questions about my friend’s family life. It made me really uncomfortable because he was asking if his parents did things to him. I know his parents and they’re great people. They’d never do anything to him.
I asked my pastor why he was asking me this, and he said that he is worried for my friend. He said that homosexuality happens because people are sexually abused as children, and then they grow up to abuse children. Is this true? I don’t know much about gays, my friends are just my friends and I don’t ask them that much about it. I don’t think my friend is a child molester. Is that really how it happens?
No. Gods no. I’m going to ignore the fact that it was your pastor who told you this, as that fact is somewhat irrelevant and it could have been any misinformed individual regardless of their role in the community, religious or otherwise. The urge to go off on a rant about Christian bigots making decent Christians look bad is very strong, but it would be unfair of me. So we’re going to talk about the real issue at hand here: a little basic education.
First, you need to understand that homosexuality is not a disease, disorder, or post-traumatic effect. Nor is it a sin. Nor, really, is it a choice. It’s a naturally occurring trait that is gaining more and more scientific backing as perfectly ordinary within nature, developing as a result of hormonal effects on the brain and body. (I know, I know, it’s a Wikipedia link, not the most reliable, but it’s got a few dozen decent cited external sources.) It’s as ingrained as the color of your eyes or the tendency for high blood pressure. Before you believe everything you’re told, find your answers for yourself. I think you’ve already got a firm handle on that concept, though, considering that rather than blindly accepting your pastor’s assumptions you instead found me and decided to question this at the source.
The sad thing is, this isn’t such an uncommon assumption. It’s linked to the unfortunate lumping in of homosexuality with perversions such as incest and pedophilia, spreading the idea that homosexuality is unnatural and must be stamped out and even cured. The best way to combat such an assumption? By education, and by positive example.
So to answer your question concretely? No, homosexuality is neither a cause nor an effect of abuse. I can name a number of homosexuals that I know personally who weren’t molested or abused as children or adults, and who have never committed said acts or felt the urge to. I’m on that list; I may not have gotten along well with my family, but they would never have done anything like that to me, and they educated me quite well on how to protect myself from people with those intents. I had a safe childhood, and lead a safe adult life. The same can be said for my gay best friend, the ex-boyfriend I was angsting over a few posts ago, my lesbian cousin. We are all well-adjusted individuals with no abuse-related trauma in our pasts, no desire to enforce abuse on another, and yet we are all comfortably and openly homosexual.
If you’re comfortable enough talking to your friend about these things and think he can hear this without being offended, direct him to this article and I’ll bet he’ll tell you the same thing - that he’s not hiding any secrets, his parents are as great as you first thought they were, and nothing untoward or deviant has happened to him in the past. He’s not a secret child molester dwelling under the skin of some guy you thought was pretty cool. He’s just an ordinary guy who happens to be gay.
People who spread ideas like this are becoming a real problem; they promote misinformation as truth, and blindly think that they are doing good. I know that your pastor meant well and was actually expressing concern for your friend’s well-being, but if you can, please guide him towards resources that educate on the nature of homosexuality and encourage him - gently, not aggressively - to broaden his scope and make a better effort to understand these things before he spreads such assumptions.
The only way to stop the spread of misinformation is to counter with healthy, valid information.
We are not an abnormality. We are not a byproduct of perversion. We are normal, and we lead happy, stable lives in which instances of personal trauma and abuse are no higher or lower than instances among heterosexuals. The two are wholly unrelated, and to tie them together not only demonizes homosexuality, but trivializes what real abuse victims suffer.
So now that you have your answer, go forth and spread the good word.
Your friendly gay elucidator,
~Adri
ask adri, sexuality, homosexuality, abuse, sexual abuse, pedophilia, counseling, scientific sexuality, dispelling homosexual myths
May 31st, 2007 at 5:00 am
I think it’s very dangerous to say that sexuality is a genetically coded aspect of personality. If sexuality is, then so is aggression, or kleptomania, or any behavior. We as human beings cannot allow ourselves to believe that any of our behavior is genetically coded, because then there’s no criminals, there’s only people who couldn’t help it.
No, I see my sexuality the same way I see the fact that Swiss Chocolate Orange is my favorite flavor of ice cream. I never cognitively decided that it was based on a rational process or emotional decision. There wasn’t one point where I said “from now on, only Swiss Chocolate Orange”. It just IS my favorite. Every time I eat it, I have the choice to just pick vanilla, or maybe rocky road, but I never do because Swiss Chocolate Orange is my favorite. But I’m not genetically coded to love Swiss Chocolate Orange.
Like the gay Black Swans, it’s not a matter of genes, but it’s also not a cognitive choice.
My girlfriend is a little chubby, and I love it. Why? I don’t know. It’s not something I can change, but it’s not coded into me.
Genes are too easy an answer that I feel is kind of a “hey don’t blame me, I just work here” cop-out.
May 31st, 2007 at 8:14 am
Really? That’s an interesting way of looking at things, but I think you’re assuming too much about how people would, by default, use evidence of genetic predisposition. You’re also lumping in a genetic predisposition towards certain sexualities with predispositions towards undue aggression, etc…? That’s a little…hn.
I could see some people going out of their way to say “I’m genetically aggressive, I can’t help it” when they commit a murder, but that’s a small minority while others would simply seek to get past it, get counseling, etc. Some people are genetically predisposed towards certain disorders, as evidenced by past family history, and they get treatment for those disorders as part of standard procedure.
But to make it sound like it’s a bad thing to be born gay as part of your genetic makeup is taking it a bit too far. I understand that you prefer not to think of your own particular traits that way, but it’s a reach to say that should it be genetic, it’s somehow a cop-out.
We can allow ourselves to believe that our behavior may be genetically coded.
What we can’t allow ourselves to believe is that we can’t overcome any of the negative aspects of it.
Just one opinion vs. another.
May 31st, 2007 at 10:02 am
In other words, it isn’t a cop-out to say “I’m genetically predisposed to want air, so I become uncomfortable being deprived of it.” It is a cop-out to say, “I’m genetically predisposed to be claustrophobic, so that’s why I when that guy hugged me, I punched him in the face.” (on the flip side of the coin, people who are opposed to homosexuality *would* call the genetic argument a cop-out. People are funny like that)
While I agree with Adri, I can also see why the pastor was confused. It is true that boys who are abused as children are more likely to grow up do abuse other boys than people who are not abused, but this has nothing to do with normal sexualty (many abusers identify as heterosexual, in fact). Sexuality in general is a confusing topic, made more confusing by our society’s reluctance to really look at it.