Darkside Rainbow

Yesterday I received an e-mail follow-up to the question of talking to your children about their sexuality, and thought it would make a perfect question for the Wednesday Ask Adri column.

Adri,

I really enjoyed your article, ‘Talking to your kids about their sexuality.’ I have a question tho - what if I want to talk to my kids about MY sexuality? I am married with a son (12) and a daughter (15). I love my husband very much but have always had strong feelings towards women.

About a year ago I realized that I could not be happy without exploring my feelings. I may be bisexual but I really have no interest in men and only married my husband because of family pressure and because I couldn’t help but love him. I love him even more because he loves me enough to understand that I need to explore and has let our relationship be open enough that I now have a girlfriend.

I care about my girlfriend very much but do not want to leave my husband. That is not the problem. We are going to stay together always. The problem is that my girlfriend is around the house a lot just as my friend and I do not want to have to hide her from my kids if shes going to be in my life. They really like her. I want to tell them that I am a lesbian but I love their father. How do I do this?

Thanks,
Jane in Austin

Well, Miss Jane, first I have to say: your husband amazes me and is far more understanding in this situation than most would be, since from the sounds of it this isn’t your standard polyamorous relationship and he’s not even getting to have any of the extra fun. If he’s got a gay brother or something somewhere, send him my way. I don’t necessarily need him to be cool with me exploring with other people - I’m very strictly monogamous - but that kind of patience in a man? You don’t pass that up if you know what’s good for you.

I’m very glad, for the sake of both you and your children, that he’s so supportive - because you’re going to need him there when you sit your kids down to have a talk about this. With children that age, the first thing they want to know about any new information from their parents is how it’s going to affect them and change their lives; with your husband there making it obvious that he’s a willing participant in this and that he isn’t going anywhere, you can quickly dispel any arising fears that Mommy’s going to leave Daddy for the Nice Lady and suddenly there’ll be planned weekend visitations.

As I said in regards to talking to them about their sexuality, you should also be frank and honest when talking to them about your sexuality - but try to do it in private rather than in a public place, as in this case I don’t think that hearing the news in the middle of the local Baskin Robbins is going to make them that much more comfortable with the topic. Before you speak to your children, make sure that you are confident enough in yourself and your choices that you don’t give the idea that you waited so long to tell them because you’re somehow ashamed or what you’re doing is wrong. Your children will follow your lead and if you don’t feel ashamed, they won’t either. If you don’t feel as if what you’re doing is wrong - and it really isn’t, as long as it’s between three mature, consenting adults and all are content with the arrangement - then they won’t.

However, if you try to cover things up or hedge around the details (non-sexual details, thank you), they’re going to pick up that you’re embarrassed and could quite easily become embarrassed by you if they think there’s a reason to be, without even fully understanding what that reason might be. Around that age the only thing that comes ahead of budding interest in the opposite (or same) sex in a teenager’s life is their social status, and if you act as if your arrangement is something to be ashamed of, they’ll immediately think that it’s something that could affect their social status and drop them right into the outcast pile the moment that it got out.

Make sure that they understand that this doesn’t change who you are, or how you love and care for them in any way. Point out that nothing has altered in their lives; only their knowledge of the situation has changed, and so this isn’t going to affect their day-to-day lives at all.

Be prepared for them to be angry; they have a right to be. Again, it’s not that you did anything wrong; anger is simply a common reaction, especially in children that age, to things that are startling and confusing. You may have to step back, give them their time to be angry, and give them time to settle down and realize that you’re still Mom and that’s never going to go away. There may be some backlash; it’s okay to accept it within reasonable levels, but of course if it gets out of hand, remind your children that you understand their confusion and frustration, but you are their parental authority figure and they’re crossing the lines of behavior that you accept out of them for any reason.

Don’t forget to talk to them about sexuality in general, if you haven’t already. Explain to them that being a lesbian, being gay, being bisexual, being transgendered…all aspects of sexuality are just as normal as heterosexuality, and people of all sexual orientation conceive or adopt every day and are happy, well-adjusted parents who care deeply for their children.

Most importantly, try to talk to them about this issue as equals. Let them see that you’re telling them this not because you’re forcing something new into their lives and they have to accept it because you keep a roof over their heads…but because you love them and respect them enough that you want to be honest with them and keep them informed. Try not to take the usual parental tone of “this is what I say and my word is law”; instead discuss things with them, and make sure they know that you’re open to any questions they might ask. (Though you may want to smooth over some things on the topic of your sex life. There are some things kids just don’t need to know about what their parents do in the bedroom.) You have to keep avenues of communication open between you even if they storm off in an angry huff (and one, if not both of them, probably will). It’s going to hurt to have your children looking at you as if you’re a strange new creature for a while, and one they’re not wholly sure they like. Just make sure they know that you’re still there, you’re still Mom…and after they’ve had a little time to settle down and accept, they’ll come drifting back.

During that adjustment period you may want to ask your girlfriend to not be around the house as often, because they may view her oddly or lash out at her. It’s both for her own sake and theirs, as before they can adjust to her new role they need time to adjust to yours. Once they’re comfortable with you, then they can more easily accept her as “Mom’s girlfriend”.

This is not going to be an easy talk to have, and you’re going to need to brace yourself and brace your husband. Good luck to the both of you. Do your best to support each other, and support your children. I hope you come out on the other side of this rather rocky issue smiling and with clear skies ahead of you.

Optimistically (creepily so) yours,
~Adri

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coming out, parenting, gay parents, lesbian parents, polyamory, polyamorous relationships, gay and lesbian, parenting teenagers, talking to your kids, tolerance, sex and sexuality, homosexuality