Ask Adri: How do I stop my son from being gay?
It’s Friday, and that means it’s time for me to skip out and go home earl–
–er, I mean…time for another Ask Adri question. Let’s see what I’ve got lying around the mailbag today:
Dear Adri
I am almost 100 percent sure that my son is gay but I really want him to be normal. If he is gay kids will pick on him and I dont want to be in the position of telling our extended family. Is it too late to stop him forom being gay? Can you tell me how to do this? He is a really good kid just gay.
Wait, you want me to do what now?
Oh, sweetie, me an’ you are gonna have words.
Okay, I’m not even going to get into questioning why you’re so certain your son is gay. Considering your phrasing of “gay” vs. “normal”, your reasoning is probably something as asinine as the fact that he complimented someone’s shoes one day or is overtly concerned about his appearance.
Let’s assume - as much as it makes me twitch to even write these words - that you’re right, and your son is gay. Who on earth gave you the idiotic idea that it’s some kind of slow progression that can be staved off if you just do the right thing at the right moment and divert him down the yellow brick road of heterosexuality? There’s no damned magic wand or voodoo ritual that’s going to make your son straight.
If he’s gay then he’s gay, and you had better damned well deal with it because trying to change that is downright cruel. Don’t even think about sending him to one of those ex-gay missions that “cures” homosexuality, by the way. Those places frighten me and your child will never be the same person again; even if he returns convinced that he’s straight, his personality will most likely have altered for the worse (and in creepy ways) and he’ll probably be scarred for life.
Jay-zus, what kind of stupid are they feeding you people with your breakfast cereal lately? I know it can be a difficult thing to accept when you think your child may be a little different from the other kids, in a way that isn’t always socially acceptable. If you need a little time to come to grips with this, that’s understandable. But don’t try to change reality just to suit you, and don’t try to change your son into something that he’s not just because you might be a little socially uncomfortable because the neighbors and his Aunt Schnookie might know you’re that parent with a gay son. You have no right to act like your son’s sexuality is something to be ashamed of. That would be like me being embarrassed that my baby brother is straight. Get. Over. It.
Your son needs you because you’re right: if he is gay and starts to be more open about it, other kids are going to pick on him. He may lose some friends, and gain new ones. He may be a target for bullies, and will endure anything from cruel slurs to violent attacks. He’s probably also confused and a little frightened, as he’d have to be even more oblivious than most teenagers not to know what it means to be gay in today’s social climate.
A parent’s understanding would go a long way. You need to be his succor - his shelter. Not his judge, jury, and executioner. Do you have any idea how hurtful it’s going to be when you tell him you want to convert him and turn him straight? If he’s such a good kid, why is he suddenly not good enough for you simply because he might be gay? You’re being selfish. I sincerely doubt that this has anything to do with his best interests, and more to do with your discomfort with the idea.
Be a good parent. Love your son. Stop being a douche.
I’d say I’m sorry for being so harsh but frankly, I’m not. It sounds like you need a good smack upside the head to make you step back and realize exactly what you’re proposing and just how wrong it is.
Get your head out of your bum and recognize that your son is still the same boy that you love regardless of whom he chooses to love. If you want to punish him for something, punish him for not doing his homework, for skipping his chores to play the latest Grand Theft Auto game, or for going to a party and getting drunk. Punish him (and get him into therapy) when he decides he’s in love with a horse, not when he decides he’s in love with another boy.
Don’t punish him for daring to be who he is.
B*tch-smackingly yours,
~Adri
Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.
P.S. It scares me a little that I can understand the opposing rationale here. Free speech is free speech, even if I don’t particularly like what’s being said; I would be much more content if the clergy would stop raining down threats of fire and brimstone on anyone who isn’t straight as an arrow, but it is their inalienable right to say those things just as it’s my inalienable right to say that I don’t bloody well think so. I’d never want to silence them save for through persuasive argument.
But I think vetoing the bill under those concerns is a bit excessive, because it also vetoes any protection that the GBLTQ community might have where the inclusion of acts of violence targeted due to sexuality and gender identity is concerned. If the bill’s language still allows for freedom of speech while still allowing anti-gay hate crimes to be included in current hate crime legislation and prosecuted as such, then why veto it?
Wait…this is President Bush we’re talking about.
…nevermind.
ask adri, gay teens, gay son, coming out, questioning parents, ex-gay, ranting, hr 1592, president bush, veto, hate crimes bill
May 4th, 2007 at 10:18 am
Amen. Amen amen amen.
When my husband and I had our first child, a boy, he was all about how he had a MANLY SON and how it made him feel, and me, being who I am, started in on my homophobic husband who I adored completely. “And if he’s gay?” Whew.
It wasn’t easy, but after 15 years together and having those kind of conversations, I know that had any of our children were gay, he would have loved them and accepted them no matter what. And if my husband - who was so homophobic he wouldn’t even touch himself! - could come around to a more open way of thinking, I have to hold hope that you’re little bitchslappery here will get through.
Because you’re right. Our love for our children should be unconditional. We love them for who they are - not how they make us look to the neighbors.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:03 am
I have to say although I agree with you, your delivery left a lot to be desired. You had the to opportunity to educate (sure I know its not your job to be everybodys teacher, but this person reached out to you, hence you have a responsibility to do it right) instead you defecate and lounge verbally attacking the person. How do you propose to help this boy via through his obviously confused parent if you deliberately spew venomously with condescending disparagements? Your advice is lost in all the malice surrounding your anger of the situation. It is ok to be indignant, and outraged at anyone having to deal with, intolerance, oppression and prejudice of any kind however your approach could use some work. Chances are your sledgehammer tactic has more than likely made a bad situation worst. This is not helpful advising at least not if it is to do any good. You ask the parent not to judge yet you seem to have done the same in your manner. You sound bitter and a lot of what you had to say although good was lost in the anger and verbal attack.
Your words:
Your reasoning is probably something asinine.
Who on earth gave you the idiotic idea that it some kind of slow progression that can be staved off if you just do the right thing at the right moment and divert him down the yellow brick road of heterosexuality?
There is no damned magic wand or voodoo ritual that is going to make your son straight.
If he is gay then he is gay, and you had better damned well deal with it.
Jay-zus, what kind of stupid are they feeding you people.
Get your head out of your bum.
Where is the constructive guidance?
Where is references that the parent their self can use to be more knowledgeable about homosexuality possibly aiding them in understanding the son?
I understand that opinions are like assholes and everybody’s got one but there has to be some responsibility on how those opinions are used after all it is these same opinions used irresponsibly is what most of us have to deal with in terms of negative stereotypes and assumptions etc.
May 4th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Rhapsody,
I think you’re confusing anger with amused sarcasm. Thanks for your commentary, and I’ve already responded to your original e-mail with this commentary in private.
Have a lovely day,
~Adri
May 4th, 2007 at 11:07 am
I have a follow-up - or maybe a different question for a similar situation. I’m curious if you would have any advice for the parent who wouldn’t be upset if their child is gay, but wants to make sure the child knows they can talk to them about it?
For example - let’s say a parent is suspicious their daughter might be a lesbian - how should that parent let the child know it’s okay to “come out” to them without saying, “Come out to me!” - because - what if the parent is wrong?
(Oh, wait - it’s Friday - maybe I should have saved this for another day of the week? (grin)).
May 4th, 2007 at 11:10 am
Kim - would you believe I’ve actually had someone send me a question about that already? I was hanging on to that one for later, but since you asked, I’ll do a column on it next week. It’s kind of a delicate line to walk, making sure your kids know you’re open to discussion but not outright jumping to conclusions.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
Rhapsody-
There’s no reason to get so up-in-arms about it. Yes, the column was a little gritty. It’s meant to be! This isn’t a feel-good type of forum, and Adrien is not a feel-good type of columnist. Have a bit more of a sense of humour and sarcasm, sit back, and take a deep breath. Relax! If it bothers you that much, don’t read it; one person’s opinion shouldn’t ruin your day.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Don’t have much to say about the Dear Adri part myself, but the postscript I do have a comment on.
I’m not a fan of hate crime legislation, and I hope that it doesn’t pass. And if it does, I do hope that the President vetoes it.
It has nothing to do with freedom of speech. Freedom of speech is constitutional, and thus even if that bit of the bill that specifically went to say that it didn’t affect speech wasn’t there, it still wouldn’t be legally able to do so. No, my concern runs into a freedom that, in my opinion, is even more important than that, that freedom of speech derives from.
Freedom of thought. I may think that people who hate gays, and blacks, and muslims just for being that are total loons and idiots. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t have the right to think that. And hate crime legislation is essentially saying that the thought is branching onto criminal as well — we already have good murder laws, do we need a ‘murder while hating’ law?
May 4th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
You know, Reynai, you actually raise a really good point - and I’m glad that you did. When you think about it that way…it really makes you wonder how hate crime legislation promotes equality and helps to end discrimination. After a point it can become excessive, and any crime against someone who isn’t specifically a heterosexual white male would be classified as a hate crime regardless of the motivation behind it. I’m kind of torn; I want to say that all crimes should be treated equally and fair punishment meted out for all regardless of the ethnicity, gender, faith, or sexuality of the victims or the accused…but at the same time I think that deliberate violent acts rooted in specific hatreds or phobias should be recognized and punished accordingly in order to be prevented. People are entitled to their thoughts; they aren’t entitled to act on them in ways that harm others.
I’m going to have to think this over a bit more. I still don’t agree with vetoing the bill for the reasons cited in the article, but…hm. It’s still something to ponder.
May 4th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
What is it Voltaire (the writer, not the goth singer) said?
Oh. Right. “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”
May 4th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
But… but… Ted Haggard got over being gay! His days of shooting meth up his urethra and rubbing twinkies with prostitutes are completely over! Right? Right?
May 4th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
…you’re naughty, Bijhan.
I want to say that Haggard disturbs me, but honestly…I just feel really bad for him.
May 4th, 2007 at 7:43 pm
Mm, personally I think that hate crime legislation like this says the following: not that bad thoughts are “illegal” but that thought and action are connected; that one’s intent matters as much as the result. It’s a very tricky subject, and as Adri says, it can easily be taken too far.
However, the bill discussed has many useful provisions that helps lots of people–not just gays, but all people who are victims of hate crimes (including straight white males, interestingly enough, as long as the crime is “motivated by prejudice”), helping them to protect themselves under existing laws even if they lack the money or power to directly confront the perpetrators.
What really disgusts me is the fixation, the blatantly false claims that this is somehow against first-amendment rights, and that the people involved in the veto-campaign, instead of allowing people to rationally debate the value of hate crime legislation, get them to shoot it down based on an imaginary issue.
Again, this bill deals with _violent crime_, not church sermons.