Ask Adri: How do I save my relationship with my lesbian sister?
Sorry for a late-night update, everyone. Still working on this “What? I have to make my own schedule?” thing. That, and I’m still not quite back into the swing of things here. I’d hate to have to think that so soon after my 1-year anniversary with 451, I’d have to give DR up…but it’s starting to look that way. I’ve just got too many other things to do, I’m not really feeling it anymore, and sometimes remembering to update every day is more trouble than it’s worth, because eventually you run out of things to say. I never want to be one of those people who ends up beating the horse into the ground whining on about the same old crap with a slightly different spin. I don’t know. I need to think about it for a long time, and in the meantime, keep updating every day anyway because who knows when something might light a fire under my arse.
While I think about that, I’ve got something for a particular reader (who wishes to remain anonymous) to think about: an answer to an “Ask Adri” question.
Dear Adri,
Ever since my sister came out as a lesbian we have been drifting apart. I am afraid that because she is gay and I am straight we will not be friends anymore. We were always very close but now we have nothing in common. Talking is hard. She says nothing is wrong but we don’t do things together anymore. I don’t want to lose her but she’s leaving for college soon and I’m afraid it will get worse when she’s gone. How do I fix this?
Thank you
Lonely Sista
Really, this sounds more typical of siblings everywhere regardless of sexuality; as you age and discover who you are and where your interests lie, you’re going to end up drifting apart a little and no longer having as much common ground. You won’t always want to do things together; it’s just a matter of making sure that the path of communication is open in case you both should ever want to, and for whenever you want to talk about the directions that your lives are taking.
Do you think I always hated my sisters? I really didn’t. In fact, I still have the stuffed bear that my eldest sister gave me the day I was brought home from the hospital, and despite my feelings towards them now, that bear still holds quite a bit of sentimental value for me. I used to idolize my sisters, and they thought I was a pretty cute little bugger to have toddling around at their heels, too, as long as they didn’t have to change my diapers (and who in hell would want to?). As I grew older, though, and started developing interests of my own and establishing myself as a separate person with his own opinions, they weren’t quite sure what to do with someone who was an actual entity to be dealt with rather than just a physical representation of “oh my god baby brother and the DIMPLES SO CUTE!!!” We started drifting apart long before I knew my sexuality. Confusion over what to do with each other as people instead of childishly limited extensions of ourselves created distance, uncertainty over the cause of the distance caused fights, and those fights led to a widening rift that we never really healed and that turned into a permanent separation once I left my family behind.
The point of that? It’s a cautionary tale because anyone with an iota of common sense could have seen that coming from a mile away - anyone on the outside of the situation with zero emotional investment in it, anyway. As you and your sister establish yourselves as separate and unique (hello, special snowflake), the differences between you are going to seem more acute, and it’s going to seem easy to blame them for a sudden breakdown in communications. Don’t. The only thing stopping the two of you from talking is you and her, a little misunderstanding, and a lot of misguided and idiotic oversensitivity.
So talk to her, and make sure she knows that no matter how either of you changes, she’s always welcome to talk back to you - about anything, including anything that may be on her mind, troubles that might have nothing to do with you or her lesbianism and may be the real root behind her distance. It may be that she’d welcome your input, or a shoulder. It could even be that she’s uncertain of her welcome now that she’s out, and being tentative about exposing too many parts of her life that might make you too uncomfortable. Make sure she knows that you’re fine with it, but don’t start trumpeting a big parade, either. Normalcy is the key.
So forget on focusing on her lesbianism. There’s really no reason to see that when you look at her, other than just accepting it as a part of her as innocuous as the length of her nose. Focus on her, instead, and on being happy for her that her life is branching out, just as yours. When you’re old women with many fat nieces and nephews between you, it’ll just give you more stories to share over hot cocoa (rum spiking optional). As long as her problem isn’t that she wants to make hot incestuous monkey love with you (and I doubt she does, no matter how hard various straight men wish), you should be okay.
With or without marshmallows,
-Adri
Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.
…does anyone really put rum in hot cocoa?, ask adri, gay advice column
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April 15th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
I miss hot cocoa…gave it up because it has too much sugar and I was dieting.
But siblings drifting apart is quite normal. My little brother has always looked up to me more like his father figure, since I’m 10 years his senior and he never had a dad. Now that he’s a teen, he rarely (if ever) comes to me with his problems anymore and seems some days that he doesn’t even love me anymore. I know, though, when he’s at his lowest he comes back and I see that little tot who’s diapers I changed and I taught to skateboard and I used to take trick or treating with his friends. Once you get past the labels and the expectations and what you think…that’s when what’s real comes out and you can come together.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Well said Adri, I could not agree with you more ^^
I’ve never put rum in my hot cocoa but I do enjoy hot cocoa with Bailey’s Irish Cream, especially in the winter. It’s oh-so-very yummy ^^
If you find that you can’t continue on with DR (despite my sadness) I know that I can still count on one day reading an amazing book published but you ^^ Congratulations on being able to accomplish one year of insightful (awesome, amazing) material (and a badass comic) on this little piece of webspace. You are made of awesome ^^
and because randomness is where “it’s at” I provide this link
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ayZGZ2NSxs4
(Yes, I totally just went there. While utter corny and cheesy, it did put a smile on my face. Oh Youtube, how I love thee!)
Peace, love and chocolate chip cookie dough!
April 16th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Hot choclate and vodka! Actually that was cause we were cold and there was a bottle of vodka in front of us while we were making the cocoa, not because it tastes wonderful. It’s okay though.
but I am the worst person ever at giving stuff up and losing motivation so I can’t really put on side. I can always read the archives. Would still be sad though.
Me and my brother have always got along at about the same level of closeness, which is not very but no real problems either. I might not confide in him as a matter of course, but I don’t really confide in anyone. We just coexist but don’t really interact. Of course, this could be because I don’t actually see him very often, despite living in the same house.
I would be sad if you gave up DR
April 16th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
And for what it’s worth, you can get along with your gay siblings, if you love them enough to try. I’m fortunate that my brother and I are closer than ever now that we’ve gotten old and have stopped trying to kill each other every five minutes. Nothing between us has changed even though I came out. Actually, for us it’s pretty easy because we both tend to perv on the same girls. XD Just let your sister work through her stuff, which it sounds like she’s probably going through right now - but let her know you’re always there for her if she needs to talk.
I like hot chocolate with whiskey.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:06 am
I think the brightest point in my life right now is the close relationship I have with my brother, and I honestly take zero credit for that. My brother went through his own difficulties — getting involved with drugs and partying and almost dropping out of high school — until he decided that enough is enough and to turn his life around. And part of that turn around was forming a closer relationship with the rest of his family.
Since then, he’s the one that’s been making the effort to set some time aside for me a couple times a week and to invite me to hang out with him. And he’s the one who took no fault with me when our relationship was still frayed, and I didn’t accept his offers.
So, while our issues never had anything to do with sexuality, we did drift apart for a long while, and it took a completely conscious effort of reaching out to each other adjusting our lives in order to spend more time together. But because we kept doing that, and because my brother never gave up on restoring our relationship, we’re closer than we’ve ever been, and spending time together is a natural joy rather than a conscious choice.
April 28th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
You make some very good points here. One problem I see in society sometimes is our tendency to judge, analyze, and respond to people on only one basis– sexual orientation, political affiliation, whatever.