Darkside Rainbow

It’s been a while since I’ve posted one of these, hasn’t it? I’ve been getting quite a few letters lately…but most of them are serious, almost intimately personal things that I don’t feel comfortable answering publicly out of respect for the people who sent them, even if they didn’t specifically ask me not to. This one, though, I felt needed to be seen - and not just for the snark value.

ok so i hope this doesnt make me werid or anything but i have acrush on my friend she knwos im a lesbian n shes ok with it but she dosnt like me back

i really really like her i think i love her

i want her to love me i get really jeloss when she flirst with guys i want her to be mine only mine i have to have her

i dream abouther

i havet o make her love me i tried kissing herto make her lesbian but it ididnt work she just laffed how can i make her lsebian dowe have to have sex can i mkae her have sex with me give her a love pill or somethin

howcan i make her loveme forever canyou make her love me

help ill do anything

rosie

Why do people ask me these questions? No, seriously, why? Do I have a sign attached to my back that says “I have an advice column, so hey, forget asking me normal stuff about coming out, self-identifying, relationships, etc; instead ask me the creepiest, freakiest sh*t you can think of”? And who the hell stuck the sign there, huh? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Wait. This is Rosie O’Donnell, isn’t it? Did Barbara turn you down again?

Seriously, what do you expect me to do? Wave my magic Southern-boy voodoo wand and make her love you? Offer you possets and potions and “love pills” and tell you that old trick about powdering your pubic hair and putting it in their coffee so that when they drink it, they begin to crave you insatiably? (…yes, that’s actually an old voodoo trick that my grandmother taught me. Difference is? I don’t actually think it works and have never been tempted to try it. Please don’t think about trying it yourself; that’s just nasty.) I can’t make anyone love you; neither can you. It’s like Aladdin’s genie. No love. No raising the dead. I don’t like either. (In fact, in my book, raising the dead is sometimes preferable to dealing with love.)

Sarcasm momentarily pushed aside, I do feel for you a little bit. I’ve had a crush on a straight guy before. It’s painful and it can make you a little desperate, though I can’t say I ever hit these sort of Misery-esque levels. I’m going to assume you’re in high school or younger, to give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re just a normal, overemotional teenager who doesn’t quite recognize how obsessively creepy her behavior sounds and not an adult Annie Wilkes in the making. And to address the issue, the best thing you can do both for yourself and for your friend is to step back, slow your roll, and find someone else to focus your crush on. Melissa Etheridge is pretty hot, or so I hear.

You can’t make anyone gay, Rosie. How would you feel if someone tried to turn you straight? I’m sure you’ve heard this one from arrogant guys before: “All she needs is the right guy to make her feel like a real woman”, followed by thick-headed, snorting, bullish laughter. Almost every lesbian’s heard something along those lines and I wouldn’t blame any of them for being enraged by it, as well as more than a little hurt. There are many gays and lesbians who’ve dealt with their friends and family trying to turn them straight, as well, whether by throwing members of the opposite sex at them or even going so far as to send them to psychiatrists and ex-gay “therapy” in the hopes of curing their sexuality.

Now think about the fact that you’re applying that same logic to your friend - wanting to change her against her will just to please yourself, rather than thinking about what makes her happy and what’s best for her. It’s not fair, and the fact that we as homosexuals are a minority who’ve suffered such indignities doesn’t make it any more fair. In fact, it’s even more wrong, because we’ve experienced enough conversion attempts to know better and to extend at least some empathy to people regardless of where they stand. Don’t forget, too, that if you managed to change her…she wouldn’t even be the same person that you fell in love with, would she?

You also need to keep in mind that regardless of her reasons, no means no. A little courting in an attempt to win someone over is harmless, if at times annoying; persistent aggressive pursuit that crosses the line into trying to forcibly change their mind is harassment, bordering on assault - and your insistence on making her have sex with you sounds a little too much like attempted rape. The more you push her, the more uncomfortable you’re going to make her; you may even frighten her. In your attempts to gain a girlfriend, you may end up not only doing things you aren’t proud of, but also end up losing the friendship of someone who matters deeply to you.

I know this isn’t the answer you wanted to hear; most of my answers aren’t. I’m not here to blow smoke and starlight-farting kittens in your face; I’m here to broadside you upside the head with a little bluntly honest perspective. Leave it alone. Walk away. It may take months or it may take years, but you’ll find someone else - someone who returns your interest in a healthy fashion. When that time comes, you’ll look back on your crush and be embarrassed that you were ever so obsessed with her, and embarrassed over the way you acted.

Here’s hoping you listen before you do anything you shouldn’t.

Brandishing a clue-by-four,
~Adri

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