Darkside Rainbow

Dear Adri..

I’ve been having this recurring dream where I’m running naked through the forest and I’m attacked by a bear. Only I’m not attacked; the bear actually seduces me and then the bear and I get intimate.

My question is this: the bear is a woman. Does this make me a lesbian?

No, it makes you someone in need of heavy medication. See a doctor, and don’t ever write to me again.

I kid, really. That one was submitted by another 451 blogger as a joke, and I thought you guys might get a little giggle out of it. Now on to the real one:

Dear Adri,

My best friend is a gay male and we have a long history together. Now my new husband is jealous of our relationship. How do I handle this?

Well, you could always drag him to a few Scissor Sisters concerts - apparently that’s all it took for this guy to happily try to foist his wife-to-be off on any queer who’d take her, so after that he’d be quite content for your friend to monopolize your time.

Your husband is probably jealous because he feels that your friend is giving you something that he can’t. Even though you aren’t in a romantic relationship with your friend and the likelihood of one happening is practically nil, there’s still that sense of competition from another man that just drives the alpha male in 99% of men insane - especially when the alpha male is new to the pack and not yet sure of his footing. You and your friend probably have a dozen inside jokes that your husband doesn’t get, or fond memories to reminisce over, stories to tell that he wasn’t involved in. He probably feels like the new kid at school, trying to find somewhere to fit in at lunch where all the tables are packed with cliques…with no room for him.

The good news is that it’s likely a phase that won’t last. He just needs a bit of time to get settled into things, and a little reassurance from you will go a long way. Just remind him that he is your husband and your friend is…well…your friend, and the two roles aren’t really comparable. It’s apples and oranges, to use the old adage. Yes, your friend is going to be able to give you things your husband can’t - things like platonic male companionship, or a man who shares interests with you that your husband doesn’t, whether it’s Broadway musicals or just the same tastes in hot actors. But remind your husband that he also gives you things that your friend can’t or doesn’t - and no, I don’t just mean your hot stanky hetero lovin’….er, I mean your no doubt passionate sex life. Just as your friend understands you in ways your husband can’t, no doubt your husband understands you in ways that your friend can’t. Remind him of those ways; remind him of the role that he fills in your life, and how important he is to you. Remind him that he has worth, and that he can’t be replaced by a best-friend-turned-platonic-lifemate.

Also remind him that if his jealousy gets out of control, he’ll be sleeping on the couch for a month and you may end up snatching a knot in his skull, or somewhere more uncomfortable.

Hopefully it won’t get to that point. Male jealousy can be an ugly thing; we’re competitive creatures who often have to be first in everything, including in the lives of our mates. As much as I hate to admit it, we sometimes need our egos stroked and soothed, kind of like how sometimes a woman needs to be reminded that she’s pretty even when she knows she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Don’t butter him up so much that he could skid down a sidewalk like a Slip-n-Slide, but find subtle ways to remind him that he matters to you. If he’s jealous of your inside jokes with your friend, tease him at some point about your own inside jokes with him. If he gets sulky over some fond memory shared with your friend, do something sweet to remind him of some special moment that the two of you shared. I know it seems like a bit of sop and the kind of thing that most men wouldn’t like with our aggressively anti-sop assertions, but if he’s showing jealousy, then trust me…he needs that sop, even if he’d never admit it. Give him what he needs, but don’t rub his nose in it; it’ll just reverse the positive effects of your attention.

At the same time, only coddle him up to a certain point. In an ideal situation, after a short while and with a little extra attention he’ll settle down. If he starts being unnecessarily rude or aggressive to your friend, or confrontational with you, you’ll have to draw the line. There’s no point in coddling bad behavior, and you’d do well to cut it off early before it gets out of control and escalates into a fight that may take ages to recover from, and that will turn into an issue that will affect all three of you whenever you want to spend time with your friend. If this really does become a bone of serious contention, then try to talk to your husband; lay down the law, and make him understand that you have a right to spend time with your friend, and that doesn’t mean that you love him any less. He will have to adjust to that, one way or another. Explain to him that he can do it two ways: with your help and understanding, or without.

Hopefully he’ll make the right choice.

Platonically yours,
~Adri

ask adri, gay best friend, straight marriage with gay friends, jealous husband