Darkside Rainbow

Before I move on to the rest of today’s column, I just have to say…I’m wholly disgusted by the number of supposed liberal, tolerant people who are expressing joy that Jerry Falwell is dead. I’m not exactly the most PC person in the world - in fact, at times I’m willfully offensive and enjoy it - but I draw the line at wishing death on another person or celebrating their death, no matter how terrible they were. I’m well aware that Falwell was a bigot, a horrid and hateful individual, and quite frankly, an arse. He wasn’t just a thorn in our sides, he was a bloody effin’ torpedo. But he was still a human being, and his was a human life. You don’t have to mourn his passing; I’m not. But have enough respect for life not to celebrate it, either.

Wankers.

Moving on: I haven’t done an “Ask Adri” column in a while, have I? Let’s see what reader questions I have sitting on the back burner. Ah, here’s one:

Dear Adri:

I’m gay, and I want to come out to my parents, do you have any advice? I’ve wanted to tell them for years, but have always been afraid to. Now I’m settling down with a long-term partner, and I want to tell them before he moves in. I’m tired of hiding and would like them to accept him as a part of my family, but I don’t want to lose him or them if this creates a schism.

Well, that’s a classic one right there, isn’t it? The coming-out difficulties. The possibility of being torn between your family and your partner is definitely wince-worthy, but I hope it won’t come to that. By the way, congratulations on the partnership. Lucky sod. (Yes, I’m a little jealous. But I’m happy for you anyway. Now where’s my Mr. Right as opposed to Mr. “Eh, I guess you’ll do for right now”?)

In truth, I’m in favor of the blunt-but-tactful approach. Gird your loins for battle, mentally prepare yourself for just about every awkward question they might ask, brace yourself for rejection but hope for acceptance, and dive right on in. Tell them honestly but gently, without wasting words on an awkward build-up. There’s little to be gained by pussyfooting around other than making both you and them uncomfortable before you even blurt the news out. Depending on your parents’ views and what you know of them, it will either be insanely difficult or shockingly easy.

Your best bet is to be honest, firm, and unashamed, but not assault them with the news or take any kind of aggressive tack. Come to them as their son, not as an antagonist wanting to force unwanted news on them whether they want it or not - a tactic I’ve seen too many take, which doesn’t help confused and surprised parents in accepting it. (I wasn’t exactly nice or supportive in coming out to my mother, something I blame on our extremely strained relationship, but I’m still regretful that I didn’t handle it better. Learn from my mistakes.) Parents of gay children are much more open to their child’s request for love and support than they are to baldly stated demands; no matter how old you are, to your parents you’re still their little rugrat who’d better not talk back to them if he knows what’s good for him, and they likely won’t respond well to a demanding tone.

Anticipate hostility or rejection, but don’t expect it - and don’t project it onto them. The anticipation is more for your own sake, so that if you face a negative reaction, you’re prepared to deal with it. Try not to expect it, for their sake - so that expectation won’t color your tone when you talk to them about it, and make them feel uncomfortable or attacked. Just as you want them to remember that you’re their child and not some strange creature infected with The Gay, you also need to remember that they’re your parents and not stern, authoritarian figures standing judgment over you without love or compassion.

Before you talk to them about your partner, talk to them about yourself. They’re going to have questions; be ready to answer them calmly, and if there are some things that they ask you that you aren’t comfortable talking about, have a gently deflecting answer prepared. Don’t just give them “Mom, Dad, I’m gay, deal with it”; give them information if you can, such as examples of other people that your family knows with gay children to give them someone familiar to identify with. There are also organizations like PFLAG, of course, and if they really are having difficulty coping with the concept of their son as a gay man, guide them towards such support groups.

With any luck, you won’t even have to go to such lengths. Although we’ve all heard horror stories of violently explosive parental reactions to their child’s sexuality, more and more in passing years we also hear stories of parents who simply accept the news with love and support, and treat it as something normal and commonplace. For you to care about them enough to be concerned about choosing between you and your partner, it sounds as if you have a strong enough relationship that they’d never even ask you to do that. Even if they are confused and a little disconcerted at first, given time they’ll grow accustomed to the idea and realize that you’re still the same son they always knew.

Just be patient and give them that time, and be willing to hold their hands during that adjustment period.

Closetphobically yours,
~Adri

P.S. In a bit of personal news? My family is seeing its first gay wedding. No, not me, you dips. I’m just not the marrying type and can’t imagine any man who wouldn’t run screaming from the idea of a lifetime chained to me. My cousin is going to Canada in July to marry her girlfriend, and the whole family’s invited. As stereotypically Southern as my family is sometimes and as homophobic as some of them can be, I’m surprised the invitation went out to everyone - but it looks like everyone’s taking it in good cheer and wishing them well. I’m glad, for my cousin and her girlfriend (soon to be wife). I doubt I’ll be able to make it across the border for their wedding, but I hope you’ll join me in hoping things go well.

ask adri, advice column, coming out, closeted, parents, gay stories, jerry falwell, death, christian right