Darkside Rainbow

Every once in a while I get those complicated questions that don’t really have a right or wrong answer, and where I can’t really offer any concrete advice from experience or even from common sense. All I can do is say what I think, let the other person take what they can from that, and hope it helps.

Today’s letter is something like that. I’ve rewritten it to paraphrase, both for the sake of conciseness and for the privacy of the young man who wrote in, whose name has been changed. At first it seemed fairly simple, but over the course of several e-mail exchanges, it turned out not to be so simple after all.

Adri,

I’ve never thought I might be gay. I’ve been attracted to women my entire life, but a while ago was in a relationship with a girl who just wasn’t doing it for me. Over the course of the relationship I started doubting myself, and looking at men in a completely different way. I find some men really attractive, but I’m not aroused by them. I’ve tried fantasizing and it doesn’t work. Sometimes I have dreams, though, and the dreams can leave me aroused at times.

Now I’m in a relationship with another girl that I’m very attracted to, but sometimes I’m really anxious about my sexuality, to the point where it affects my performance with her. I’m wondering if I should experiment with another guy to find out, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to perform because I’m so confused and don’t know if I’m really sexually attracted. Do you think I’m gay and I’ve just been repressing it a lot?

Thanks,
Jim

I’m going to start off by stating that honestly, I don’t think anyone is 100% gay or 100% straight - not even me.

Now, the most important thing: regardless of what you think your sexuality might be, Jim…if you’re really happy with this girl, then please, please do not run around experimenting with other guys. If you take nothing else away from this, please keep that in mind. That kind of infidelity could ruin your relationship, and if you really care about her that much and you’re attracted to her, then don’t try testing out the greenness of the other side’s grass unless you suddenly find yourself single again.

Honestly, I don’t think you’re gay or even really all that bisexual, or repressing anything. You may be a 95/5 like me, only on the other end of the spectrum - roughly 95% into women and 5% into men, while I’m 95% men and 5% women. Check out the Kinsey Scale for a more in-depth analysis of the varying ranges of sexuality; if I had to peg you concretely, I’d say you’re definitely a 1 on the scale.

It’s quite possible to appreciate members of the same sex without being sexually attracted to them; there’s nothing wrong with recognizing that someone is attractive and even enjoying their attractiveness. Hell, it could even be chalked up to artistic appreciation, with nothing sexual involved. If the conscious fantasies aren’t working to do anything for you, then I doubt engaging in sexual acts with other men will do much for you, either, unless you close your eyes and try not to pay much attention to it.

I think that may be why your dreams are having an effect on you; you know as well as I do that sometimes when our other brain rears its ugly head, it doesn’t care who or what is stimulating it as long as there is stimulation, and your dreams are providing some kind of stimulation. Your subconscious is most likely dredging those dreams up from your anxiety and projecting them; the mind has a nasty habit of doing that. Even when we won’t consciously dwell on something, as long as it’s causing us stress our subconscious will find a way to thrust it to the forefront…like when we’re asleep and defenseless.

When you start getting anxious enough for it to affect your current relationship, think about this: would you really be happy dating a man? From the impression you’ve given me, I don’t think you would. It would be a distinctly unsatisfying relationship, and you probably wouldn’t get what you need, or be able to commit yourself wholly to it due to your discomfort with the idea of intimacy despite your curiosity about it. If you’re just looking to fool around, ask yourself: is it worth losing someone who means as much to you as your current girlfriend does? Do you really think you’re going to get so much satisfaction out of experimenting that it’ll be worth the possibility of losing her?

I’m already 99% sure that you won’t and you’d probably end up regretting it, but you don’t have to believe me. I just hope you don’t end up learning from a rather bad experience. If you absolutely have to try something, and just can’t get it out of your head…just try kissing a guy. A willing one, of course. Your girlfriend may be able to forgive a kiss.

Anything else? That’s just digging your own grave.

Don’t screw a good thing for the sake of a nebulous “what if”.

On a closing note: just how many skeletons do the Republicans have in their big pink closet? Seriously, lately Republican politicians and proponents have been outed left and right. As Hooper X would say, “…deny, deny, deny.”

I’m sure Jim Naugle would find this amusing. After all, it did happen in a bathroom.

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

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