It’s no secret that gay men know drama better than HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime combined into one sleazy, sordid 24/7 drama fest. Thankfully not all of us fit that stereotype, or we’d probably have exterminated ourselves in the catfight of the century. But we’ve all known that guy: the drama queen. The unrepentant diva. The two-snaps-up sistah with an attitude for whom it’s his way or no way at all, and woe to any who may cross his divinely fabulous will. 
Oh, yes - we all know him. (His name is Elton John - just kidding.) Even worse, we’ve all probably dated him.
…or been him. [insert guilty cough here]
Drama can’t always be avoided, no matter how laid-back you are; sometimes it just comes knocking, and you can’t hide. And sometimes anyone’s boyfriend can be a bit of a lovable diva; everyone’s got their quirks, and you just learn to live with them. (Me? I’m a total brat. Ask any man I’ve dated. Don’t ask me why they put up with it anyway.) But if your boy toy’s milkshake is bringing more than the boys to the yard, you may want to step back, take an objective look, and ask yourself if you’re dating an incurable drama queen…and if he’s worth that permanently throbbing vein in your temple.
Signs That You’re Dating a Drama Queen:
T-Mobile had to upgrade their Fave Five to a Fave Fifty to accommodate his gossip habits. The boy’s got more numbers in his phone than the Yellow Pages, knows all their speed codes off the top of his head, and sometimes seems to be permanently glued to his cellphone. The second he hears a juicy tidbit of gossip, he nearly wets himself trying to figure out who he’s going to call to spill the news to first.
All of his friends have “the look”. You know the look I’m talking about - the secret glance exchanged behind his back the second he gets started, paired with the sigh that says “here we go again”. You may have that look, too, even if you often end up exchanging it with the deity of your choice as you’re left rolling your eyes heavenward with no one to commiserate with.
The second that you find out something he won’t like, you immediately start thinking of ways to keep him from finding out. Now, this could also mean that you’re an absolute jerk, you did something crappy, and you’re just trying to avoid facing the music. But if you’re on a run to the store and you have a panic attack because they’re out of his favorite mousse, it’s going to set Mt. St. Diva off, and you’d rather perform self-circumcision than face the reaction when you tell him…odds are you’re dating a drama queen.
Everything revolves around him. …even when it doesn’t. He’ll find a way to make the price of rice in China relate to him, and then find a reason to make it an issue. The fact that a few crabs were stranded on shore during low tide today is cause for tears at their poor plight, and you’re an insensitive you-know-what if you just don’t understand his pain. He understands the crabs. You don’t. You jerkhole.
He redefines “high-maintenance”. Dating this boy isn’t a facet of your life; it’s your full-time job. His needs must be catered to in all things, and at work you actually spend more time worrying about getting the napkins just right at dinner tonight than you do about the spreadsheets due in two or three hours. Some boyfriends will get upset if you forget an anniversary or a birthday; your diva will get upset if you forget the first time you saw him eat pasta primavera (after sending it back three or four times) at whatever upscale restaurant that he demanded to be escorted to this time. He’s picky, he’s demanding, and he’s most likely expensive. You spend more money on him than you do on your entire extended family.
It’s his way or no way at all. Ever seen that face a toddler makes when he doesn’t get exactly what he wants? His face screws up into a knot, the eyes squeeze shut, the face turns red, the mouth twists up, and the kid looks like nothing more than a bomb ready to go off. All you can do is cover your ears so the high-frequency shrieks don’t shatter your eardrums. Sound familiar? If the only difference you can find is a few forming crows’ feet and a trendy haircut, then your boyfriend may be in need of a good spanking. There’s no matter of degree involved here; whether he’s denied a summer cruise or a new nail file, you’re in for the same tantrum. Unless you’re in for the silent treatment, which is in its own way is infinitely worse…because all it does is prolong the agony until the inevitable tantrum.
You know what’s wrong. When he comes home in a sulk, you know what’s wrong - you just don’t know it yet. You’d better do a damned good job of faking it or whether it was your fault or not, it will be. The mate of the drama queen must be a card-carrying member of the Psychic Friends Network, and be able to tell instantly from a combination of looks, huffy sounds, and body language exactly what happened, when, and with whom. The one-shouldered shrug paired with a sniff and a downcast look? That b**** stole his parking spot at work again, he had to walk an extra twenty feet to the front door in this wilting heat, and as a result spent the day with an unforgivably shiny forehead. C’mon, you couldn’t figure that out?
He has to have brand-name everything. Even his water has to have a designer label. This trait isn’t exclusive to the Drama Queen; it can also be found in his close cousin, the Fashion Whore. Brand names are a status symbol, and it’s absolutely unthinkable that His Lady Diva be seen wearing, carrying, drinking, eating, or driving anything that doesn’t have the right brand logo splashed across it. How dare you suggest that His Majesty lose face?
When you do something wrong, you’re Just Like Him. Him? Him who? The jerk of an ex that he never got over, that’s who. The man who made him feel like trash, even if he didn’t, really. The man that you’re going to be compared to at every turn, whether if it’s because he did it better (you know what “it” is) or because you’ve got some reprehensible habit that sets your darling little queen off, and he can’t stand it because it reminds him of Him. So stop it. Now, or there’ll be hell to pay.
You are always wrong. He is always right. Your boy toy is the master of the double standard; you could forget to set the alarm on Monday and you’re a son of a b**** who’ll be paying for making him late for his pedicure for the rest of the day. If he forgets to set the security alarm the next morning and your house is robbed of all your valuables, it’s just a tiny, forgivable “oops”…one that’s your fault anyway because you upset him so much by making him late for his pedicure that he couldn’t possibly remember to turn on the security system. You dick.
Every situation is a scene, and he’s the leading lady. Everywhere he goes he’s on stage, on performance, and at the top of his game. No matter what happens, it becomes a production; if he twists his ankle at the gym, he puts on an all-star performance that would make a convincing death-by-sprain scene in a soap opera. As long as he’s the center of attention, the scene is going well. If the attention shifts to someone else, it becomes a disaster…and he’s been known to steal the spotlight. He’d hog the stage at someone else’s fiftieth wedding anniversary, and still find a way to make himself the star.
Sound familiar? That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Let’s face it, no one’s perfect. You may be dating an incurable drama queen, but if you don’t mind it, more power to you. Were you wincing at the familiarity while reading this, or smiling and shaking your head fondly? If the latter, you’re lucky. You’re a more patient man than I.
If the former…you may want to invest in a little blood pressure medication. Or a passport to a foreign country.
Are you dating or have you dated a drama queen? Have a few stories to tell or a few more signs to watch for? Pull up a chair and dish out the dirt, baby. You know we’re all just aching to hear.
drama queen, diva, gay relationships, boyfriends, catty men
May 1st, 2007 at 12:51 pm
Men like that actually exist?
I’ve known a girl that came close a few years ago, but that’s the best I can do xD
May 1st, 2007 at 2:34 pm
…honey, I can be like that around the right man. It takes a special kind of over-attentive doormat personality to bring it out in me, and I’m not proud of it, but yep. It happens.
May 1st, 2007 at 4:12 pm
*tries to imagine but fails horribly ^_^*
May 1st, 2007 at 4:17 pm
…..
….as long as you’ve known me and as many times as you’ve seen me lose my temper, you shouldn’t have any problems visualizing me as a demanding, temperamental diva. ~laughs~
By the way, hon - the birthday card you sent with the dreamcatcher came. It’s lovely and it’s hanging up in my bedroom now, over the headboard of my bed. Thank you.
May 1st, 2007 at 9:08 pm
While my gender makes it impossible for me to have dating that guy, being his best friend isn’t much better. For two years my best friend fit all of the above (with the exception of designer everything, because none of us at the money). After two years, every woman he knew basically called him in and read him the riot act. And, true to fashion, it was our fault for not understanding him. Cutting those ties was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. More power to whoever can stand someone like that. It’s a miracle my friends and I didn’t seriously injure him by the end.
May 2nd, 2007 at 7:02 am
Yay, it arrived!
*Reads over the list again*
I don’t know. None of those things seem to match, except maybe for ‘your way or no way’ in some cases. I’ve never seen you go drama queen. Vicious and poisonous, yes, dramatic, yes, but queen? Not particularly much ^_^ Maybe it’s because of the distance of the internet. Most people are at least a little different on the web than in real life.
May 2nd, 2007 at 8:26 am
~chuckles~ I’m pretty much the same offline as I am online, with the exception of being a little more closemouthed in real life. I don’t know. I do tend to keep my relationship behavior more private…but it’s possible that I’m just more critical of my own behavior than others might be.
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:27 pm
I’ve definitely dated girls like this, so I don’t think that behavior is confined to gay men.
August 18th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
[...] Much of a Diva Are You? May 14th, 2007 by Adrien-Luc Sanders This weekend I was thinking over the drama queen article and looking for something to do to avoid editing the last chapter of my novel, and couldn’t [...]