A Single Man’s Stigmata
I’ve officially been single for over a month now. It’s been slow, adjusting to thinking of The Ex as just a friend, adjusting to not having him in my life anymore, figuring out what to do with the time that used to be ours. Sometimes it was easy, sometimes not, but my life has settled comfortably and I’ve continued walking on; yet in that time, I’ve noticed something that I’ve rarely had occasion to before.
Since I was eighteen I’ve been in and out of relationships, never single for more than a few weeks. I’ve always had a boyfriend, most often someone who worked out for anywhere from six to sixteen months before we went our separate ways - sometimes as friends, sometimes as bitter enemies, sometimes as if we’d never met. There was always a queue of anywhere from one to seven men waiting to fill the spot. I was never without a date, no matter where I went.
Only now, I am. Some of the “shelf boys” are still there, hoping I’ll pick one of them next and yet knowing I won’t because I hate the odds of losing a friend should he become an ex-boyfriend. Some have moved on to other happy relationships. And here I am, drifting in limbo, smiling and shaking my head when I’m asked out on a date, turning down offers for one-night stands because I’m just not into that, enjoying a little flirtation here and there before curtailing it before it goes beyond a certain point. I have no problem going out to a film or dinner alone, or with a few friends. Why?
Because I’m happy being single.
And in the past month, I’ve noticed that no one really believes that.
There’s a certain stigma associated with maintaining a doggedly single state, especially in the gay community - and showing up somewhere without a date is only the first mark of your stigmata. When all your friends have dates, you’re the odd man out. They restrain public affection in front of you because they don’t want to make you feel left out, uncomfortable, or lonely. When talking about couples’ activities they’ll often break off in the middle, give you apologetic looks, and change the subject. They ask if you’re all right, and don’t believe when you smile and say it’s not necessary, you’re fine. If they find out that you and the ex had a chat, just keeping up with each other and remaining friends, they worry that you’ve left the encounter traumatized and achingly aware of your single state.
If you say you’re happy being single, you must be in denial. Are you bitter now? Are you too hurt to deal with another relationship? Or is there something wrong with you, and you’re afraid it’ll ruin the deal if you try with another man? Maybe you’re damaged goods. Maybe there’s some dirty secret. Maybe you don’t even realize there’s something wrong with you that kills relationships, and you’re to be pitied and avoided. Maybe it’s not that you choose to be single, but that you just can’t snag another man. It all contributes to this palpable air of pity when you’re around your predominantly non-single friends; they treat you as if you’re made of fine china and may snap at any moment.
It’s not the first time I’ve seen it. It’s just the first time I’ve experienced it first-hand. I’ve seen friends receive the same pitying treatment, that same careful sidestepping and, in some cases, eventual ostracizing. The couples would stop asking them to go places because they were the awkward extra and, even though the discomfort was all in their heads, made people uncomfortable. The singles were so desperate to avoid being left out of the loop that they’d hook up as quickly as they could and dive right back into the social circles, leaving the other unlucky singles behind. If you remain single for too long, the unspoken message is clear: We think there’s something wrong with you, and we pity you. Sometimes it’s not even unspoken. Sometimes the sardonic remarks are all-too-loudly heard, condescending and snide.
For some reason, we’ve developed this idea that having a boyfriend, a mate, is a sign of social status and one of the primary goals of one’s existence. It’s not something limited to the gay subculture; we’re just a bit cattier about it, but it’s prevalent through most of society. Without a mate you aren’t complete; without a mate you haven’t proven that you’re somehow worthwhile because someone else thinks you’re worth dating, loving, marrying, or just having wild, hot, indiscriminate sex with. You need a boyfriend or girlfriend to be a real man or woman. You need someone else at your side to be considered a viable member of society, and you can’t possibly be happy without.
And if you think otherwise, there’s obviously something wrong with you. You’re marked. You’re stigmatized. You are somehow unclean, and black-marked in your social circles.
The beauty of this is that once you reach the stage where you’re comfortable being single, you no longer care.
I admit, for the longest time I bought into the social stereotype. I needed to have a boyfriend, or people would think I was pathetic and undateable. I needed someone to give me love and attention before I could feel good about myself. I needed someone to want me before I felt attractive. I worried about what my friends thought if the man of the hour wasn’t demonstrative, affectionate, whatever. I was afraid that I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I was alone.
Then I made the hardest decision I’ve made in many years. I voluntarily stepped away from the man I’ve loved for the past four years, from the man with whom two attempts at a relationship just didn’t work. I walked away for my own good, and for his.
And I realized that alone, I’ll be just fine. Alone, I’m still the same talented writer that I was when I was dating someone. I’m still that cynical a**hole that makes people laugh even while they roll their eyes. I’m still that guy who can turn a head now and then, and who enjoys the occasion to make someone blush. I’m still that dork who can turn from brazen and confident to geeky and shy in a matter of seconds. I was all of those things before I was dating someone, and I will continue to be those things now that I’m single again and walking tall.
Accepting that has started to show in my demeanor. I’m no longer embarrassed by others’ attitudes towards “the single guy”; I no longer allow myself to be stigmatized. I respond with amusement, with confidence, and now when I turn down a date or a proposition people don’t look at me as if wondering what’s wrong me. They look at me with curiosity, and wonder just what it is I know that they don’t, that makes me able to smile and say “no, thank you” to men that others would kill to say “yes, god yes” to.
What I know is this, and it’s been a long time in coming: I don’t need a relationship to validate myself.
And no matter what the prevalent mindset of society says…neither do you.
being single, romance, gay relationships, single stigma, dating, gay social circles
November 27th, 2007 at 3:07 am
Thank you. I’ve been single for quite a while, and no one seems to believe that it’s my preference. My former boss keeps trying to set me up with anyone in my age range, I’m frequently teased by my married friends that I should “find myself a good man” or something, and my family keeps saying I’m going to go off and get married to some guy I meet in Japan, if I ever get over there. It’s like it’s expected. And it’s annoying as hell. I don’t even like men. Not that I like women that much either, but still. I don’t really understand why someone can’t be considered “complete” if they don’t have a significant other to “complete” them.
November 27th, 2007 at 3:13 am
As someone who’s never been other than single — this is so terribly true. I mostly get it from the straight side, as most of the people I interact with don’t know me well enough to know which side I swing for… so they’re curious about why I don’t have a girlfriend, rather than why I don’t have a boyfriend.
I bought into it for a good while myself — that brought on quite a bit of teenage angst, of which I’m not the least bit proud of. But now — I’m content being single. I don’t need a boyfriend, as much as I would like someone to cuddle up with, it’s not the end of the world.
The thing that I hate about the word single: the word has the connotation that the phrase “And looking” is attached to the end, whether that’s true or not. I see articles listing the most important X for singles, and it’s all about attracting mates. Bleh.
November 27th, 2007 at 5:03 am
Like Reynai, I do occasionally think about having someone to cuddle up with, but generally, I haven’t felt much need for a romantic relationship in my life, and I don’t usually feel my life lacking because of it. But then my godmother calls and one of her first questions to me (we talk maybe once a year) is whether I’m seeing anyone. And then to say that I should visit, basically so she can set me up with someone. I hung out with a friend I haven’t seen for a few weeks and that was one of her first questions as well, how was my life in the dating arena (common answer: non-existent). Granted I haven’t had the most active social life, but people take it as a given that I should want to go on blind dates and I want a boyfriend. They rarely accept ‘it seems like too work’ as an answer.
November 27th, 2007 at 5:43 am
Back when I was still single (oh, hear me, like it was such a long time ago) I noticed this too. Luckily I didn’t care because the people reacting that way were people I don’t like anyway. My best friend had a boyfriend and the other 4 in our circle were single, but it was never an issue since we were all classmates and friends. Sure, I wanted a boyfriend, back then, but not because I wanted to be socially accepted. I’m just a hopeless romantic xD
November 27th, 2007 at 8:14 am
Not to confuse dating with having a boyfriend. Guys piss me off, I don’t want one hanging around. But I do enjoy going out and dating here and there.
Then again, I’m a serial dater and a flirt.
November 27th, 2007 at 8:18 am
Hifive to the single crowd, while I momentarily miss being part of it. No matter how awesome I find it that I’ve found someone who I can be ultimately compatible with, I will always miss the freedom of the other side.
November 27th, 2007 at 8:21 am
I guess the grass is always greener… =P
November 27th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
I’ve never really had a problem with myself being single, because I guess I always figured that when I eventually grow a spine, tell my parents and move away from this part of the world, I’d find someone there to snuggle up with. However, now I’m at college, and get plauged with the endless ’so why don’t you have a boyfriend?’ questions. My school was all girls so there being single(or at least telling people so) was nothing unusual because nearly everyone was, but now I’m in college it seems to be all people think about. People seem to assume that I’m some frigid prude just because I don’t latch on to some drip and spend my time moping around because we have some melodramatic problem.
November 27th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Here, here! I get so weary of comments about why I’m single. I have a f***-buddy and that suits me just fine. Been going on seven years now. If I want to go out, I’ll go with a mixed group. Those that “need” to have a significant other are the first ones to be snide or ‘catty’. For them, I have no use. Its strange that some might think I’m odd for being single, when I view so many couples that are so dependent on eachother. Obsessively so.
November 27th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
I miss being single and comfortable with it, but I wouldn’t let go of my kitty =P~
It sure helps a lot when you tell people to stop whatever it is that annoys you. =P
You sure have guts to step away from the person you’ve been in love with for four years… I’ve tried that, many times.I’m even afraid it might have been better if I had managed to do the same then…
Anyway… It’s too late now hehehehe
I don’t know about you, but I tell people around me -directly- to stop being noisy about things that don’t matter.
It helps a lot, considering that it might as well make people understand that somethings are just stupid. Even if it’s just the people around you, It’s a good start. =)
November 27th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
That’s very true. Being single is the only time you have to truely sit down & see yourself & become the best person you can be.^-^ Bravo.
November 28th, 2007 at 1:07 am
[...] not the case. Even though he does hump my leg from time to time (God, I have a vivid imagination!) I like being single, but it’s fun to pretend every now and [...]
November 28th, 2007 at 2:32 am
God, that was so terribly uplifting it made my day. I have as deep an admiration for people who enjoy being single no matter what society says as I do with people who can actually make their relationships WORK.
I can’t do either xD If I see my boyfriend too much, I get annoyed and commitment-phobic and need my space. If I haven’t seen him in a week I feel lonely and unloved. So it works for a couple weeks and then we go through a bad period.
So, from my own experience, good for you for having the courage to let him go. Sometimes it’s the best thing you can do for a relationship, and for yourself. [Now if I only followed my own words...]
November 28th, 2007 at 4:57 am
[...] You can read the rest of this blog post by going to the original source, here [...]