Darkside Rainbow

[yawns, stretches] All right, so I skipped the DR Weekend Edition this past weekend, and you got stuck with that lovely article on sexual hygiene for a few extra days. My apologies, but when you work three jobs plus editing a novel on the side and spend most of your time high on caffeine while somehow managing a lovely combination of “deadpan” and “perpetually pissed off” (it’s all the rage this season, what all the boys are wearing), sometimes you’ve got to take a weekend for a little downtime.

So pass the coffee, happy Monday, and if you can trust me to give advice before the French roast kicks in, let’s do this sh…stuff.

Dear Adri,

I have loads of photos of women on my computer and sometimes fantasise about being with one but I don’t like any in real life. Do you think I might be lesbian or maybe bi?

Signed,
Questioning teenager

Um.

…….

Okay then.

My first thought when I read this was, “this is someone’s kid, they’re underaged - I can’t give them advice about their sexual fantasies!” I’ve had a few more bracing gulps of the triple-black Doom Coffee now, though, and I think I can handle this.

The answer is no, those things don’t automatically mean that you’re a lesbian, or bisexual. They don’t mean that you aren’t, either.

Right now you’re a walking pile of seething, awakening hormones and anything involving sex with a male, a female, or possibly even an inanimate object is going to turn you on. The teenage years are a confusing time to try to define your sexuality, and while some can say “Yes, I know I’m gay/lesbian/born in the wrong gender’s body” in high school or earlier, for the most part it’s quite difficult to make that determination when your hormones are scrambling your brain to hell and back.

Plenty of people who later in life grow quite certain of their heterosexuality still experiment in their teenage years, even as far into college. Women are statistically known to be more prone to same-sex experimentation than men, and yet despite kissing a few dozen girls, will often decide “Nah, I’m straight” and settle into heterosexual life without feeling a single spark of interest towards another woman for the rest of their lives.

For many others, though, those moments of experimentation are the defining points of their lives: the moment when they realize that they’re happy with women alone, or equally content with both women and men. I don’t advise that you run about shagging a small test population of both genders to find out; if there aren’t any girls that you’re interested in, odds are that your fantasies are just that: fantasies that wouldn’t reflect well in reality.

Then again, it could be that there’s no one around you on a regular basis who happens to be your type - and if you do meet a girl that you’re into, and she returns your interest and and consents: don’t be afraid, or ashamed, to try things out. You’re confused now, and you’ll never know until you try. Don’t force anything; you’ll just make yourself and her miserable. But if you’re given the chance, and you really want to…don’t hold back. It’s all right to do a little experimentation while you get yourself sorted out, as long as you aren’t sleeping around indiscriminately and having unsafe sex. Kiss a girl or two. Try to avoid anything that qualifies as foreplay or beyond until you’re older.

Remember, though, that even if you never do anything…thoughts like yours are perfectly normal, and nothing to be worried about. They’re a natural part of adolescent development, and whichever way you end up leaning, it’s perfectly fine to just wonder sometimes. You don’t even have to call yourself straight, lesbian, or bisexual. You’re attracted to whomever you’re attracted to, regardless of their gender or yours.

That should be enough for anyone, and labels be damned.

Ambiguously yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

And for today’s P.S.: I don’t like Archbishop Bagnasco, obviously. I’d love to give him a good tongue-lashing simply because he’s got so much to say about just who I enjoy…er…lashing with my tongue. It’s not his business what I do in my bedroom, other than to grant me the same rights with a husband that I might have with a wife…but come on, people, this is going too far. A bullet in an envelope? Now you know one of us had something to do with that, because it’s got “drama queen” written all over it. Come on. You really think a bullet in an envelope is going to make him stop and think, “Now hey, those gays are some nice, upstanding people just like everyone else! I really should stop shooting off that sewer hose I call my mouth about them!”

Pfft.

Oh well. At least it’s nice to see one religious leader who’s managed to avoid coming down with rectal-cranial inversion.

ask adri, teenage sexuality, gay and questioning, lesbian fantasies, coming out, archbishop bagnasco, angelo bagnasco, gay marriage, gay rights, gay civil unions, reverend gene robinson, new hampshire

We’re skipping the Friday Ask Adri column today, because I’d like to discuss something else. It’s something a little twitchy, something best left unspoken in polite company, and something that I’m going to address anyway, thank you very much:

Rimming, also known as anilingus.

If you stop reading now, I won’t blame you. This is a sensitive topic for various reasons and you know, some people just don’t want to see certain aspects of sex discussed openly, gay or otherwise. Walk on, kiddos, and check back later when the DR Weekend Edition has pushed this post a little further down the page.

For those of you still around, whether out of interest or a bad case of train-wreck syndrome: this actually came up in conversation at about two o’clock this morning, talking about sex and relationships with a friend over some nasty but bracing coffee at the House of Pies down the street from my place. We were talking about exes, a topic that we’ve both had plenty of fodder for since we both recently broke up with our long-term boyfriends and I’ve had an older ex-boyfriend reappear out of the blue to send my emotional radar spiraling wildly out of control.

Naturally, when comparing exes, we’re going to talk about what he was like in bed. You know you do it, too; don’t look at me that way. I’m serious. I can purse up my lips and give you disapproving looks right back, and probably do it better than you can. Don’t mess with a boy when he’s feeling catty.

Aaaaanyway. As my friend was detailing his sexual exploits, he ended a particularly sordid tale with, “…and he always wanted me to - you know!”

“I know? I’m sorry, did this craptacular coffee make me clairvoyant and I missed the memo?”

“…you know. With my tongue. There.”

“Oh? OH. …………ewwwwwww.”

Despite what you may have come to believe about gay sex from watching porn (and then swearing you got it for “a friend”), rimming does not take place every time two men engage in intercourse with one another. Let’s face it, sex for any gender and any sexuality is a tricky thing when nature designed us with the playground and the sewers so firmly entrenched next to one another. Sanitation is always an issue, but it’s an especially sensitive one for gay men.

We might as well be blunt: we like to put things into a place that things normally come out of. In particular, things that the majority of us don’t particularly want to come in contact with. No matter how clean your partner keeps his nether regions, the anus is still a scary place…and honestly, it frightens me just how many of my past sexual partners have been willing to slide their tongues around there without even insisting on a good cleaning first.

Am I the only gay man grossed out by this? (All right, I know I’m not, my friend is as well…but we seem to be a small minority.) A penis can be protected by a condom, a finger by a latex glove, but I can’t exactly see someone sticking their tongue into a ziplock bag before they go diving in for a little lick. Frankly, I don’t want that in my mouth, and I don’t want it done to me; whatever pleasure might be derived from it is wholly overridden by the fact that I’m completely disgusted by the idea.

And yet past partners have actually been both surprised and insulted that not only did I not want it done to me, but I wasn’t willing to do it to them, either. I am by no means a prude; if you want to be adventurous in bed I’m your man, but asking me to have a nibble at the backdoor is where I draw the line. This doesn’t just involve the personal squick-factor. This is a matter of personal health and safety. Any number of bacteria and other offensive particles can be found in the anus, and I find it hard to think sexy when I think of licking a big steaming plate of e. coli. It’s bad enough that syphilis rates among gay and bisexual men are on the rise; do we really want to voluntarily risk our health any more?

There’s sexy and then there’s unsanitary, and I refuse to cross the line no matter how many times I’ve been pressured on it. What I wonder is how many men rim even when they’re bothered by the sanitation factor, for whatever reason - because they feel they have to to please a partner, because they think they might lose someone if they don’t, or because it’s considered common and therefore they think they shouldn’t have a problem with it. Hell, I even wonder if I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe it’s not so bad and I’m just being fussy and frigid.

Or maybe not.

So I’m asking you to weigh in - and not just the boys, either. Everyone. What do you think? Will you, or won’t you? Would you do it because you wanted to, or because you felt obligated? Have you felt pressure to do it in the past, or feel pressure to do it now?

Where do you stand on the matter of sexy vs. unsanitary?

Hygienically yours,
~Adri

P.S. In case you weren’t paying attention to the news yesterday, by the way: way to go, New Hampshire, and shame on you, Indianapolis.

rimming, anilingus, oral sex, anal sex, oral-to-anal, gay sex, gay sex and sexuality, e. coli, safe sex, unsafe sex, unsanitary sex, sexual boundaries, sexual limits, sexual practices, homosexuality, new hampshire, gay unions, gay civil unions, indiana, indianapolis, vandalism, billboard vandalism, homophobic vandalism

Actually, hundreds of years is a bit of an understatement. Try thousands, as evidenced by studies of homosexuality in ancient Greek society and recorded traditions of many other cultures, including the two-spirit traditions of many Native tribes of North America. The histories of many cultures point to times when gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders were out, proud, and commonly accepted as a part of normal society. It’s only in recent centuries that our little sub-cultural corner of society has been swept under the rug with more and more aggressive prejudice, but that doesn’t mean that we went willingly into the closet without a fight.

Ancient text shows ‘gay activist’ - BBC News

The battle for gay rights may have been fought more than two centuries before the UK legalisation of homosexuality.

The 18th Century writings of Thomas Cannon, believed to be one of the first gay activists, have been found by a University of Manchester academic.

They were contained in a handwritten scroll indicting the printer of his 1749 work “Ancient And Modern Pederasty Investigated And Exemplified”. [...] The indictment suggests the book was an anthology of stories and philosophical texts in defence of male homosexuality.

The article moves on to quote passages from the scroll, and call it “the first substantial treatment of homosexuality ever in English” - as opposed to other recorded texts up to that time period and beyond, which discussed homosexuality (and the punishments for it) with a distinctly phobic slant.

It really makes you stop and think about how far we’ve come, and how long it’s taken. In the U.S. and various other countries we’re still fighting for the right to be recognized as equal citizens, but we rarely have to worry that we’ll actually be punished under the law for our sexuality - even in the few backwards states that still have outdated laws against same-sex intercourse on the books. We can say we’re gay in public and while it might ruffle a few feathers, it’s not a real taboo. In some places we can even marry our chosen partners and the law must recognize that union. We’re no longer swept under the rug, and over years of struggle we are fighting our way out of the closet and into the light. It isn’t perfect, but it’s progress, and I’m glad that I live in an era that allows me to see said progress.

At the same time it’s a frightening reminder that the world that Cannon lived in still exists in many countries today. Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Iran, and many other countries still enforce the death penalty for acts of homosexuality. Other countries define homosexuality as a criminal act punishable under the law, even if not with death. In those countries, homosexuals may not be able to even make a peaceful stand for their rights without fearing for life and livelihood. They may be deprived of any form of democratic process that would allow them to elect officials who might be concerned with their rights and freedoms.

They are, in essence, trapped. They don’t have the right to free speech that I, as an American, take for granted until someone dares to even imply that it might be taken away from me. They don’t have the right to due process of the law, or protection under the law. They fear the law in ways that I can’t even begin to understand, because I’ve never experienced it. I speak out for gay rights; I openly demand that we be given the same recognition and validity as heterosexuals - but I’m too sheltered by my environment to truly know what that might mean for someone in a more dire situation. Realizing that puts my own struggle into a different perspective.

Yes, I know fear. I know the fear that comes from being threatened for being who and what I am - threatened with vandalism, with physical violence, with death. But those are fears born of specific incidents; fears that fade with time and the light of day, and with the knowledge that even in a country split by personal feelings towards gay rights I am protected from those threats as a human being. Fear of the law’s retribution would stymie most who might otherwise attack me for being who I am.

I know the fear of losing friends to homophobia; the fear that being out will cost me a job one day; the fear that family will reject me, turn me aside for saying those oft-dreaded words: “I’m gay.”

I don’t know the sort of fear that others in less free countries live with day to day. The fear that if they were to even whisper their thoughts, they might not live to see another day.

I don’t envy them that. I do respect them, and wish that I could do more to support them - people that I don’t know by name or by face, people that I’ll never meet and yet that I still consider brothers and sisters united under a single rainbow flag.

Maybe there’s another Thomas Cannon hidden somewhere, waiting for the chance to express himself, waiting for his moment to be brave, his moment to shine…his chance to make a difference.

Maybe this time he’ll have more success.

Thomas Cannon, gay activists, gay activism, gay rights, gay freedoms, death penalty for homosexuality, criminal homosexuality, gay history

Dear Adri..

I’ve been having this recurring dream where I’m running naked through the forest and I’m attacked by a bear. Only I’m not attacked; the bear actually seduces me and then the bear and I get intimate.

My question is this: the bear is a woman. Does this make me a lesbian?

No, it makes you someone in need of heavy medication. See a doctor, and don’t ever write to me again.

I kid, really. That one was submitted by another 451 blogger as a joke, and I thought you guys might get a little giggle out of it. Now on to the real one:

Dear Adri,

My best friend is a gay male and we have a long history together. Now my new husband is jealous of our relationship. How do I handle this?

Well, you could always drag him to a few Scissor Sisters concerts - apparently that’s all it took for this guy to happily try to foist his wife-to-be off on any queer who’d take her, so after that he’d be quite content for your friend to monopolize your time.

Your husband is probably jealous because he feels that your friend is giving you something that he can’t. Even though you aren’t in a romantic relationship with your friend and the likelihood of one happening is practically nil, there’s still that sense of competition from another man that just drives the alpha male in 99% of men insane - especially when the alpha male is new to the pack and not yet sure of his footing. You and your friend probably have a dozen inside jokes that your husband doesn’t get, or fond memories to reminisce over, stories to tell that he wasn’t involved in. He probably feels like the new kid at school, trying to find somewhere to fit in at lunch where all the tables are packed with cliques…with no room for him.

The good news is that it’s likely a phase that won’t last. He just needs a bit of time to get settled into things, and a little reassurance from you will go a long way. Just remind him that he is your husband and your friend is…well…your friend, and the two roles aren’t really comparable. It’s apples and oranges, to use the old adage. Yes, your friend is going to be able to give you things your husband can’t - things like platonic male companionship, or a man who shares interests with you that your husband doesn’t, whether it’s Broadway musicals or just the same tastes in hot actors. But remind your husband that he also gives you things that your friend can’t or doesn’t - and no, I don’t just mean your hot stanky hetero lovin’….er, I mean your no doubt passionate sex life. Just as your friend understands you in ways your husband can’t, no doubt your husband understands you in ways that your friend can’t. Remind him of those ways; remind him of the role that he fills in your life, and how important he is to you. Remind him that he has worth, and that he can’t be replaced by a best-friend-turned-platonic-lifemate.

Also remind him that if his jealousy gets out of control, he’ll be sleeping on the couch for a month and you may end up snatching a knot in his skull, or somewhere more uncomfortable.

Hopefully it won’t get to that point. Male jealousy can be an ugly thing; we’re competitive creatures who often have to be first in everything, including in the lives of our mates. As much as I hate to admit it, we sometimes need our egos stroked and soothed, kind of like how sometimes a woman needs to be reminded that she’s pretty even when she knows she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Don’t butter him up so much that he could skid down a sidewalk like a Slip-n-Slide, but find subtle ways to remind him that he matters to you. If he’s jealous of your inside jokes with your friend, tease him at some point about your own inside jokes with him. If he gets sulky over some fond memory shared with your friend, do something sweet to remind him of some special moment that the two of you shared. I know it seems like a bit of sop and the kind of thing that most men wouldn’t like with our aggressively anti-sop assertions, but if he’s showing jealousy, then trust me…he needs that sop, even if he’d never admit it. Give him what he needs, but don’t rub his nose in it; it’ll just reverse the positive effects of your attention.

At the same time, only coddle him up to a certain point. In an ideal situation, after a short while and with a little extra attention he’ll settle down. If he starts being unnecessarily rude or aggressive to your friend, or confrontational with you, you’ll have to draw the line. There’s no point in coddling bad behavior, and you’d do well to cut it off early before it gets out of control and escalates into a fight that may take ages to recover from, and that will turn into an issue that will affect all three of you whenever you want to spend time with your friend. If this really does become a bone of serious contention, then try to talk to your husband; lay down the law, and make him understand that you have a right to spend time with your friend, and that doesn’t mean that you love him any less. He will have to adjust to that, one way or another. Explain to him that he can do it two ways: with your help and understanding, or without.

Hopefully he’ll make the right choice.

Platonically yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

ask adri, gay best friend, straight marriage with gay friends, jealous husband

Good morning, and welcome back to the world of internet news and opinions, where the private lives of public figures become fodder for the sordid gossip mill. Case in point: guess who’s back in the news? Former NJ governor McGreevey and his wife, with two very different stances on a horse that’s been beaten to death an old and familiar issue:

McGreevy says wife knew he was gay - AP via Yahoo News

TRENTON, N.J. - The estranged wife of former New Jersey Gov. James E. McGreevey knew he was gay before they married, he claimed in court papers filed Monday.

McGreevey wrote that Dina Matos McGreevy “knew of my sexual orientation before our marriage, she chose to either ignore it or block it out of her mind, even when questioned by her friends.”

The former governor doesn’t detail how she knew he was gay, but objects to his wife’s contention in recent court papers that he is bisexual.

Uh…huh. Anyone else want to play “What’s wrong with these statements”? Talk about a marriage of convenience. It’s one thing to be closeted and to marry and try to live a heterosexual life out of a desire to meet some standard of apple-pie-perfect life; hundreds, maybe even thousands of gay men live with this every day, and while it’s not wholly right…it sure as hell isn’t telling the woman that you’re gay and then marrying her anyway. Why would anyone do that? For the sake of politics and appealing to the voters? Gods, I hope not.

Then again…if your ex-husband says he’s gay, don’t publicly argue that he’s bisexual, either. Yes, he managed to conceive a child with her, meaning he obviously engaged in heterosexual intercourse. Again: closeted gay men do it every day. It doesn’t mean he’s not gay. It means he did what he had to do, and she’s in denial. It’s a hard phase to go through after something like this, and she’d be understandably hurt and shocked, but she’s had enough time to move on and stop dragging this (and their poor child) through the mud:

Gay Ex-Gov’s Wife Fires Back - CBS News
Dina Matos McGreevey Says She Thought Their Marriage Was Solid, Had No Idea He Was Gay

[...] Matos McGreevey also wrote that she thought their marriage was solid — “The sex was good,” she writes — and had worries only about her husband’s secretive calls and visits to his first wife and daughter — until he summoned her to the governor’s mansion three days before he told the world he was gay.

Skipping over the rest of the claims made in the second article (that’s a lot of mud-slinging and too much drama even for a boy like me)…somethin’ ain’t addin’ up here.

Stylized and improper use of the English language aside, either she knew he was gay or she didn’t. Frankly to me both sides of the story stink; why would she marry him if he’d told her he was gay? But can her vicious backlash be believed when it paints a respected public figure as a vile demon while she’s a martyred victim - despite denials of the claims in her memoirs by several of the individuals involved? Dinah Matos McGreevy’s actions stink of vengeful bitterness more than they ring with revealed truth, and rather than rouse sympathy for her instead make me shake my head in pity and disgust. Not that I’m blindly taking the side of McGreevey himself; I doubt the man’s the honest saint he’s trying to pretend to be, and even if he did tell her that he was gay and then marry her…that’s a pretty jerky thing to do.

And in the middle of this is little Jacqueline. Her life is never going to be the same after this, and she’s never going to escape it. That’s the issue that really bothers me here. (Yes, I’m pulling out the tired old “but won’t you think of the children?!” argument here, and I don’t even like kids. At all. I just feel really bad for the poor little tyke.)

I want to blame her mother more for making this even more of a gory media spectacle than it had to be, but really, both parents need a swift slap upside the head. They should be spending less time concerned about their public images or about victory against each other and more time really worrying about the welfare of their child. Forget the tawdry stories and allegations unless you have actual proof, and work out the best way for both of them to remain in the child’s life so that she can still grow up loved, balanced, and stable…

…and not bitter from being used as a bargaining piece.

governor james mcgreevey, james mcgreevey, dinah matos, dinah matos mcgreevey, mcgreevey, matos, gay nj governor, gay new jersey governor, jacqueline mcgreevey, coming out, silent partner, cipel, golan cipel

Dear Adri:

I’ve been friends with this girl for several years now. She’s on the verge of graduating high school, and since we met, I’ve watched her go from being a very shy and awkward little girl to being a self-confident, mostly outgoing young woman. She’s the sister I never had, in many ways, and I love her dearly.

The only problem? She’s been driving me frickin’ -insane- the past few months. She met a guy through a friend who graduated last year, and now all she can talk about is him. “J this” and “J that”. She’s been putting her grades at risk by staying up way too late every night to talk to J. She has freely admitted her infatuation with him, and how she’s jealous of his other relationships…with men. J is gay.

He’s also leading her on, big time. My friend is head-over-heels for J, and he knows it - which he used to get oral sex from her when she visited him and his friend at their uni last weekend. I guess he’s bisexual when it’s to his personal benefit, though all of his networking profiles have the word “gay” about every three sentences. Anyway, my point is, she’s driving me crazy with this shit. I know that infatuations can happen for no rhyme or reason…but she’s also being totally unrealistic. Her greatest wish is for J to suddenly turn straight.

Now, me, I’m fairly realistic, and I’ve told her in varying ways and with various degrees of tact that she doesn’t have a chance with him, and he’s not just going to start dating her just because she gave him [oral]. But apparently, that makes me “a mean [b****]“.

How can I handle this situation? I’d frankly like to keep doing what I’ve -been- doing and change the subject when J comes up, but she’s started floating away from reality and really needs to be brought back down to earth.

Well, thanks for reading it, at least.

Signed,
Whatever happened to just being a happy fag hag?

First: I didn’t know happy fag hags existed.

Second: Damn, girl. I didn’t need your life story. You talk more than I do, and that’s sayin’ a lot.

Third: Only answer I’ve got for you is to mind your own business. Seriously. J’s not gay, J’s a horny a**hole who’s only gay when it’s convenient to get away from girls like your friend, and bi when he wants them on their knees. The problem isn’t that he’s gay and she’s waiting unrealistically for him to turn straight. It has nothing to do with his sexuality at all; it has to do with the fact that he’s a self-serving jerk who leads people on. You’ll find ‘em everywhere - male, female, gay, straight, bi, etc. He could “turn straight” and he’d still be treating her the same way.

It’s not your problem. Your friend’s an idiot. You said your piece, and later when she gets burned and comes crying to you, you can say “I told you so” even while being a good friend and patting her on the back. You can’t force her to act sensibly, though. If talking to her doesn’t bring her back down to earth, then there’s nothing else that you can do and honestly? If you try to be proactive, in the end you’re going to get screwed over. I’ve seen it happen too many times; whatever efforts you take will, in the end, be blamed for the other person’s unhappiness…rather than their own idiotic decisions. Then she’ll stop being like the sister you never had and start being the person who hates you just for trying to help. Seriously. She’s already calling you a mean b**** for being blunt with her. What do you think is going to happen if you do anything more? Even if you “save her from herself”, as the saying goes…do you really think it’s going to turn out well when she turns on you? Do you think she’s going to appreciate it?

Step back. Mind your own business. Let them be responsible for their own crash and burn, but be there to help pick up the pieces when it’s over; sometimes people (especially teenagers, and man, why is she giving this guy oral when she’s not even out of high school yet?) only learn by experience, and it sounds as if she’s not going to figure out the problem with this situation until she’s already hurt herself and gotten over it. If you’re happy with changing the subject, why are you worrying about this? You did the right thing in advising against it, now stop trying to be Mother Theresa and fixing the world’s problems. You might want to focus on a few of your own first.

And J, if you’re out there? Stop being a dick.

Speaking as one with his own issues,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

P.S. Completely off-topic from the original subject of the post, but….dear CNN: if “she” is FtM, then “she” would be “he”, thank you very much. Likewise “her” and “hers” would be “his”, and he would probably appreciate being referred to as Tony and not by anything else. It may be a novel concept to grasp, but I’d think showing that small bit of respect would be fairly easy for a CNN reporter. At the very least do a better job of explaining it and set a better example.

P.P.S. This definitely has nothing to do with the original topic of this post, but if I seem distracted this week, blame it on the PS2. Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus and Vincent Valentine have claimed my soul for the next few days. Why yes, I am a game geek. Why does that surprise you?

Ask Adri, fag hag, advice, relationships, gay/straight relationships, Cinthia Covarrubias, Tony Covarrubias, FtM, transgender, prom king, Fresno, Fresno High School

You know, I just came home from an absolutely delightful film (Hot Fuzz, a hilarious piece of satire - and could the subtext between Nicholas and Danny be any more blatant?) and settled down to surf the news channels before sousing off to spoil myself with a new video game (yes, I’m from that generation)…when I ran across something that just made me froth at the mouth in indignation at the amount of disrespect involved.

Group Plans to Picket Va. Tech Funerals - CBS News

The families of those killed in the Virginia Tech massacre may not be able to grieve in peace at the funerals of those they lost. An anti-gay religious group known for protesting at the funerals of American soldiers killed in Iraq is planning on appearing at services for those killed on Monday as well. [...]The organization, founded and led by Fred Phelps, believes the United States has condemned itself to destruction by accepting homosexuality and other “sins of the flesh.” Phelps’ daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, said the Virginia Tech teachers and students who died on Monday brought their fate upon themselves by not being true Christians.

“The evidence is they were not Christian. God does not do that to his servants,” Phelps-Roper said. “You don’t need to look any further for evidence those people are in hell.”

Please pardon the following spluttering outrage: what the hell?!

Read the full article. It gets worse.

I have to say, I have never seen a more blatant display of sick, self-serving disrespect in my life. I’m literally struggling for words at the moment, trying to contain my anger and outrage. What the hell do the deaths of those poor students and one severely disturbed individual have to do with homosexuality, sins of the flesh, or anything other than the tragic fact that a misguided soul shattered dozens of families by taking their children from them? How dare these people say that these innocent victims somehow brought this on themselves and are now in hell?

I’ve got to say, it takes a lot of balls, self-righteousness, and a rather sickening mindset to take an event like this and twist it to suit an agenda in any way. As often as I’ve seen anti-gay protesters preaching about how hard we push the so-called corruption of “the gay agenda”, I can’t think of a single gay activist organization that would capitalize on such a terrible event in such a fashion. This is heartless, this is cruel, this is inhumane, and it’s about as un-Christian as anything could possibly get. It boggles the mind, honestly. How can anyone think that doing something as horrible as protesting the funerals of students (whose sexuality isn’t even an issue in this case, so why is homosexuality being tied to this?) is in any way advocating a loving god, no matter what god that might be?

True Christians? Don’t even talk to me about true Christians. I’m not sure what defines a “true” Christian, but I severely doubt that it’s behavior like this.

This has gone from tragedy to travesty. Have respect for the fallen, especially those whose lives were taken from them in such a merciless and horrible fashion. Have respect for their families, and the pain they’re already in; don’t add to their grief with this atrocity.

You want to picket someone? Come picket me. Here I am, big flamin’ fag, queer as folk and f*** and every other F-word you want to fling at me. You can come dance around my apartment and tell me I’m going to hell if you want. I’d rather take the BS these people are flinging than see it inflicted on the friends and families of those lost in the Virginia Tech shooting. Better me than them.

There are no words for how wrong this is. If the protesters manage to pull this off…I wish those attending the funerals the most fortitude and strength in dealing with this affront to human decency.

VA tech, Vtech, Virginia Tech, Virginia Tech shootings, VTech shootings, Cho Seung-Hui, Fred Phelps, Shirley Phelps-Roper, Christian protests, anti-gay protests, Westboro Baptist Church, WBC, homosexuality

Since the other day’s poll on dating transgendered individuals turned into such a hot topic, I decided to keep with the theme and pull out this little gem from the mail bag for today’s Ask Adri column:

Dear Adri

Im 32M married two kids. I love my wife but i think about wearing her clothes a lot and being a woman. Ive been thinking about this a long time and sometimes I cd but its not enough. Its not just a sex kink. I think I wantto go all the way but I dont want to lose my wife and kids if I become a woman. I dont know what to do. Advice plz?

Thx
Curious2BFem

…man, am I glad I bought a new coffee pot before tackling this one.

All right, Curious. The first thing that I want to tell you is that you’re not alone in this. Many transwomen and transmen don’t come to the realization that they’ve had the need to transition to their chosen gender until after they’ve settled into what some consider a “normal” life as someone’s husband or wife, father or mother. It’s often a result of pressure to follow a preset path, rather than deviating to explore the path of understanding one’s own identity to be happy. To offer encouragement, many transwomen and transmen have supportive spouses and children who stay with them and continue to love them through the difficult struggle of transition and the change in life that comes afterwards. To be realistic, though, things like this can break a family apart. It’s unfortunate, it shouldn’t happen, but that’s life. Where you fall in the spectrum remains to be seen.

Before you think about doing anything, make sure you’re well-educated on what you intend to do. There are many websites (T-Vox.org, TSRoadmap.com, GenderTalk, you’ll find many others via Google) with resources for people thinking about transitioning, already in the process, or well settled into transitioned life.

Transition is a process that can seem both glamorous and terrifying; you’re proposing making a great deal of mostly permanent changes to your body, which either cannot be reversed or can only be reversed with expensive surgery when you’ve already spent a bomb on the initial surgery. Even if you only take hormones without any surgical options, that’s going to cause changes in your body chemistry resulting in adjustments to your physiology and the almost certain growth of breasts that aren’t going to magically melt away if you stop the injections. This isn’t a decision that you can make lightly, or even in a short period of time. You may take the first step towards transition fully intending to do everything possible to make yourself over into a transwoman, and then change your mind along the way about how far you want to go. That’s all right. Take it one step at a time and before you do anything, consult your physician about the effects that this will have on your health.

You know who else you may want to consult? Your wife. Talk to her, and listen to her; she may be angry or upset at first, but try not to get angry in return. Your best bet is to calmly, quietly explain to her how you feel, why, and what you’d like to do. Don’t lay down any ultimatums; you may make her feel cornered in the surprise of the moment, and cause an impulse reaction. If transition is something that you absolutely can’t live without, you are going to have to make her understand that, but ease her into it…and try to be willing to compromise where you can, or take things at a slower pace while she adjusts to the fact that her husband wants to become her wife and she’ll be moving from a heterosexual marriage into what is essentially a lesbian one.

It sounds as if your family is very important to you; if you love them and they love you they’ll often stick by you through just about anything, but that requires patience and communication on both sides. They may be angry at first; try to allow them that, if you can. Anger is a natural reaction when faced with something surprising and confusing, often knee-jerk and causing them to say things they don’t really think or feel. It will pass with patience and understanding, and if you’re willing to talk them down from it rather than shout it out, you’ll find them much more open and willing to accept what you have to say after the initial shock fades.

Understand that while you may be doing this for yourself, it is going to have an effect on your family outside the home and you need to consider that responsibly. If you begin to publicly transition, it will reflect on how people act towards you, your wife, and your children in social environments; some reactions will be awkward but polite, some encouraging, and some downright hostile. I’m not telling you this to discourage you; I’m telling you to prepare you, and so that you can prepare them if they decide to hang on with you through thick and thin. I’m hoping that they do. You’ll be in for many trials, and you’ll need each other to stand against them.

Give them as much information and support as you can; educate them as you educated yourself, so that you’re all standing on even footing. You may want to direct them towards organizations such as PFlag, as sometimes it helps to speak to others with transgendered family members to understand their experiences.

Remember that you’ll also be dealing with your extended family, both by blood and by marriage, and that they may have to be eased into this. There’s also a matter of name changes (should you choose to) and, depending on how far you go, asking a court to grant legal recognition of your new gender status once you’ve met certain requirements. Be prepared to spend quite a bit of money; the court costs will be the least of it. I won’t say it “might” be costly. It will be costly. Often it’s money and little else that stops people from following the transitional path of their choosing.

Once you educate yourself a bit more and come to a decision as to what to do: assuming that decision is to go full-steam-ahead with transition, try to find your nearest reputable GBLTQ clinic, or at least one known to be friendly. Google can again help you with this, and I’d recommend finding a TG/TS/TV group on Yahoo Groups or another social network, as you’ll find many supportive people there with a few inside tips on local resources. You’ll need a physical, blood tests, a prescription, the fortitude to stick yourself with a huge honkin’ needle (I’ve watched one of my MtF friends do it and it still makes me shudder), and most likely a therapist. Sometimes the therapist comes before the prescription, sometimes the other way around; it’s less a chicken/egg issue and more a matter of what your physician requires. Some will administer a prescription for estrogen after having a talk with you and determining that you understand what you’re undertaking and accept full responsibility for it; others require that you seek counseling with someone experienced with issues regarding gender identity.

Regardless of if your physician requires it or not, I’d recommend finding a trans-friendly therapist. You’re going to go through a number of ups and downs, from the novelty and joy of discovery and new experiences to the disappointments of dealing with some less-than-pleasant reactions to your choice…and if you take estrogen that’s going to affect your moods as well as you go through hormone cycles and your body chemistry shifts. You’ll need an experienced guiding hand to help hold you together so you come sailing through in one piece.

If you do go through with it, good luck, and I hope that things work out well for both you and your family. You’ll face a great deal of difficulty and social stigma, and criticism both from without the GBLTQ community and, unfortunately, from within. Remember that no matter how far you choose to go and whatever surgical or hormonal options you do or do not choose…no one can tell you how much of a woman you are except for you. Do as much as you need to make yourself happy, and don’t force anything excessive to meet another’s standards of what makes a “real” transwoman. Even if you wholly disdain hormones and surgery but adopt a female identity through crossdressing and shift of behavior/role, you’re as much of a woman as you need to be, as long as you’re happy.

“You go, girl” as a few people stuck in the 90s are wont to say,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

relationships, ftm, mtf, male-to-female, female-to-male, transgender, transsexual, gay transgender, lesbian transgender, transgender marriages, cross-dressing, gbltq, transition, sex change, gender reassignment

I am feeling distinctly unwell this morning, kids, so I’m afraid you get a short update today before I drag my carcass out of the apartment and off to the store for whatever bitter unguent or brew might soothe the sandpaper scraping down my throat. I just thought you might want to check this out:

Mississippi Queen: An Indie Documentary

Mississippi Queen is a documentary giving voice to the tensions and harmonies unique to the Southern gay & lesbian communities and their Bible Belt environment. Currently in the pre-production stage, Mississippi Queen will follow a returning native to the South with her curious cohort from the MidWest in tow.

Another 451 blogger turned me on to this, and as someone who lives with both the ups and downs of being gay in the South, it immediately caught my attention. (Enough for me to spend more than two minutes on MySpace, which is a feat in and of itself considering that MySpace makes me twitch.) Southern culture is a truly unique and often strange thing that people often don’t understand until they’ve experienced it directly, and the gay and lesbian subculture in the South has a distinctly different flavor than anything you might find north of certain states.

I’ll be interested in seeing how this documentary explores those aspects unique to the South, especially the balancing act between sexuality and religion. I, personally, am an atheist (put that rotten fruit down and don’t you dare start throwing it my way) but I respect others’ rights to follow their faith and what they believe in, and I’ve often wondered how people reconcile the two parts of their identities when what they’re taught can often conflict with who they are. It’s a struggle that I don’t envy, but one that I admire in those who deal with it every day.

According to the Mississippi Queen MySpace profile they’re starting shooting in May, so I’ll try to keep an eye on things and watch for any interesting video clips. The profile itself has video commentaries from Bryce and Paige, key names behind the production of Mississippi Queen.

I’m going to give up on trying to be coherent now, go medicate myself, and hide under a heap of blankets. I’ll see you kids tomorrow, assuming I haven’t died from the plague. (Just kidding.)

Mississippi Queen, Bible Belt, gay in the South, gay and lesbian documentary, gay documentary, lesbian documentary, gays and the church

Dear Adri:

I’m a happily married lesbian, and even though most of the older members of our families are accepting, they still ask “who’s the man”. How can I make them understand that there doesn’t have to be a “woman” and a “man” in a gay relationship?

Thanks,
Not a man

You could do what I did to my mother (who, I recently discovered, reads this regularly, which rather creeps me out): you could explain to them in explicit detail who’s on top in the bedroom, including the exact physical mechanics of it and any accessories required. I guarantee they’ll stop asking. They’ll stop even wanting to wonder, because they’ll realize they don’t want to know. Few want to picture their younger relatives caught in the middle of the dirty deed.

No? Doesn’t work for you? But the reaction’s really funny…

Okay, okay, we’ll try the diplomatic approach. This is a question I’ve dealt with from many quarters, from my parents right down to nosy coworkers, and it’s never an easy issue to address. The first thing that I always have to do is check my knee-jerk reaction of irritation and exasperation, settle my hackles, and remind myself that nine out of ten times, the person asking doesn’t mean to be nearly as insulting as they come across. They aren’t trying to be rude; they just don’t know any better.

With that in mind, it does fall on our shoulders to explain to them so that they do know better. I’ve found that the best tack to take is to calmly and patiently remind your family - or whoever’s asking - that you and your partner are the same gender, so there’s no separating you into the “man” and “woman” of a relationship based on behavioral roles, and that you have an entirely different dynamic. Explain that you’re equal partners and what matters to the two of you isn’t who gets to fulfill the male or female role in the relationship, but who your partner is as a person and how your individual dynamic works together.

In truth, that probably won’t sink in at first. It takes a lot of time and acclimation to break people of this idea that any balanced relationship must have a male/female element regardless of the genders of the people involved (and that includes relationships between two transgenders or relationships between a transgender and a non-transgendered person). One way I’ve found that works best is to point out extremely close same-sex friendships between heterosexuals; in many ways a relationship is (or should be) just like a close, trusting platonic friendship, and yet in friendships there is no requirement that one be the man and one be the woman.

Explain to your family that your relationship is just the same as a stable, balanced, loving friendship - down to the point where you love your friends even when you want to throttle them - but with intimacy and further commitment involved. It’s not going to make them understand immediately, but it will help them take baby steps across that gap once they can find a parallel that they understand in everyday life. Once they grasp that, try to remind them that you and your partner are people that they know as unique individuals, and that nothing about what they know about you has changed enough that they need to redefine you in either a male or female role as opposed to your partner.

The social stereotypes of the male and female roles are just that: stereotypes, not concrete necessity. Love is love, period. It doesn’t know gender, and it doesn’t require a solid element of male or female. It’s about you, and nothing else. Many heterosexual couples break the social stereotype; they may physically be male and female, but their roles in their relationship don’t fulfill the traditional social stereotype of who’s the “man” and who’s the “woman” - and I don’t just mean the old jokes of “well, we know who really wears the pants in that relationship!”

More and more relationships are becoming a thing of balanced equality between two people who both have careers, life goals, hobbies, etc. They’re socially equal outside their relationship, and remain socially equal inside their relationship regardless of the fact that they have different anatomy. Try to explain that it’s exactly the same for homosexual relationships; we just happen to have one more thing in common with our partners beyond steady jobs, etc. (As Noxema Jackson/Wesley Snipes said, “For starters, the same business between your legs - boink, boink, boinkboinkboink.”)

Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to tackle this. I wish there was. You often have to take it on a case-by-case basis and try to explain with consideration for the person you’re talking to and how they think, and sometimes it still won’t register. They may get it over time; they may never get it at all. The important thing is to be patient and never lose your cool. Arguing about it is just going to cause the other person to block out what you’re saying, because at that point to listen to you means to lose the argument.

Once they do understand, you may want to remind them (and other people in your life who ask) that it’s just as rude and invasive to ask homosexuals about our relationships in that fashion as it is to ask heterosexuals. I, for one, don’t mind explaining the first time; as I said, the majority don’t realize that they’re being offensive (and sometimes making me feel like a circus performer putting on an act in front of a sign that says “Look at the amazing homosexual! Marvel at his strange ways!”). If someone doesn’t have the patience to educate them then they’ll never really get it, and they’ll never be able to accept it as normal rather than as some freakish novelty that needs to be stared at, prodded, and picked apart.

But once they know, they should remember that a little common courtesy goes a long way and that they should respect the social and personal boundaries of their gay/lesbian/bi/transgender friends and family in the same way that they’d respect those of their straight friends and family.

Good luck,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

ask adri, gay relationships, lesbian relationships, relationship issues, non-gender-biased relationships

Before we move on to the usual, let’s have a moment of silence for the victims and survivors of the Virginia Tech shooting. I don’t care if it’s topical to this blog or not. They deserve a little acknowledgment and respect.

Back to business and today’s blog topic in the world of the wonderfully gay…uh…well, crud. I skimmed the headlines and found very little that actually roused my interest enough to go on one of my long-winded tirades. Sometimes it really does seem like the same carousel of issues swirled about in repetitive circles, and I’m so sick of talking about yet another wankery regarding the Church (whatever Church it is this week) and homosexuality. So you know what? We’re not. Instead we’re going to get a little personal, tell a bit of a story, and then ask you a few questions.

I have a friend - stop looking so shocked that anyone can put up with my acidic tongue - that we’ll call Jason for the sake of his privacy. Jason, my friends, is gorgeous. He’s also funny, sweet, responsible, and well-educated with a stable job. He likes kids (why, I don’t know) and is dying to meet just that right guy to have and to hold. Hell, I’d date him myself, if I didn’t think I was too mean for him and if I wasn’t caught up in my own conflicted romantic mess. Still, Jason’s not short for suitors…but they never last very long once they get to know a certain thing about him.

Jason isn’t just any other gay guy. Jason is FtM (female-to-male) transgendered.

I’m sure there are some people out there asking “wtf?! Do people do that?!” Most people think of MtF (male-to-female) transgenders when someone mentions transgenders, transsexuals, transvestites, etc. When people do find out that FtM transgenders exist, they usually assume they’re just butcher-than-butch lesbians who decided to just go male.

Not so. There’s a huge difference between a woman who desires other women, and someone born in a female body who nonetheless feels strongly that they should have been born male - strongly enough to take medical and surgical measures to correct it. One’s sexual identity is wholly separate from one’s gender identity…which is why one thing that hurts Jason more than anything is the rather nasty comments that he gets about how if he was going to continue to date men, he should have stayed female.

The thing is, if you understand what it means to transition…Jason was never female to start with. Trust me, it took a lot of long late-night talks over stale pizza for me to understand this, too…but Jason’s my friend and I wanted to know, and he didn’t mind telling me. The way he sees it, he was a man born in a female body. He just happened to be a gay man born in a female body, and that’s what’s causing him the most grief.

Because he’s pre-operative (he’s on hormones, but hasn’t had any surgery and binds his breasts to flatten his chest), most of the men that he dates see him as just a woman, once they find out. It doesn’t matter that Jason looks manlier than I do (and could probably bench-press me for fun). It doesn’t matter that he can grow a beard, doesn’t matter that to all outside appearances while fully clothed, no one would ever take him for anything other than a man. No one cares about that. No one cares about what a nice guy he is, what a great friend he is, all the other winning traits that would have guys falling over him if he’d just been born with the right anatomy. No one cares about him.

Just about what he lacks between his legs.

He’s tried dating bisexual men, but it doesn’t work; they either treat him as a woman (down to calling him by female pronouns) or dump him because his anatomy isn’t masculine enough. It makes me wonder just how shallow we really are - and I don’t just mean gay men, though it’s gay men that have caused Jason most of his heartbreak. Men, women, gay, straight…when it comes to attraction both romantic and sexual, do we care about the person more than we care about their looks and their anatomy? Or do we focus first on physical traits, ignoring everything else about this person until they’ve satisfied some base requirement?

With that thought in mind, I’m curious about you..how you choose, and if a person being transgendered would matter to you. So if you’ve got a moment, I’d appreciate it if you’d take this anonymous poll. Be honest - after all, it is anonymous. Who would know?

dating, romance, relationships, ftm, mtf, male-to-female, female-to-male, transgender, transsexual, gay transgender, lesbian transgender

Good morning, happy Monday, and will someone please either fix my coffee pot or get me a new one before I go ballistic on someone? This instant crap is not cutting it. Hopefully doing this morning’s Ask Adri column will wake me up. Today’s is…well, it’s something else. I’ll be honest: when I first read this letter, my initial thoughts ran somewhere along the lines of “wtf?” followed by “if I were your fiancee, I’d slap you.”

Dear Adrien,

My fiancee will be moving to California soon and she will no longer have her gay best friend around. How do I find another gay man for her to be friends with so I don’t have to go see the new Hairspray movie/Scissor Sisters Concerts/Rent?

Any help in this manner would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Too Straight in California

My friend, if you’re thinking of putting out a personals ad for your fiancee: put the newspaper down, and don’t you dare call to ask about advertising rates. Do you realize that you’re effectively asking me how you can pimp your lady out for a new gay man?

This entire concept is a bad idea, and a disaster waiting to happen. Not only that, it’s just rude.

First: your fiancee’s gay best friend isn’t just a stereotypical token to take your place at social events that you deem “too gay” for you to possibly enjoy. He’s a person that has more value to her than that, with a personality, hobbies, a life that makes him your future wife’s friend and confidante, and not this cardboard substitute. You can’t replace that just by picking out another queer and shoving him at her.

Second: Not all gay men like the same things. Frankly, I’m not that big on Scissor Sisters, and yet one of my straight friends loves them. Same with Rent. Don’t pigeonhole us.

Third: Your fiancee (who may or may not become your wife if you actually attempt something as screwheaded as trying to find a new gay friend for her) is a grown woman who is perfectly capable of making friends on her own. She doesn’t need you to play matchmaker for her. Have a little more respect than that.

Being “too straight” is no excuse for being dense. Explain to your fiancee that you don’t enjoy going to these events with her, but you wouldn’t mind doing other things together that you both enjoy…but don’t try to foist her off on someone else to ease your conscience. No doubt she’d rather go alone than put up with you fidgeting through the entire thing, or the awkwardness of dealing with some strange fellow that her husband-to-be picked out for her. She might make new friends with the same interests - male, female, gay, straight, it won’t matter - but that’s her business, and her social life.

If she wants your help with that, she’ll ask you. Otherwise, man, just step out of it before you step in it up to your bloody neck. There are very few ways that this can end well, and I don’t see many of them in your future.

Caffeine-deficiently yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

ask adri, gay social life, gay friends, rent, scissor sisters, hairspray

DR - is that anything like T&A? Gods, I hope not.

Anyway, welcome to the DR Weekend Edition, where I don’t have to blog but I’m gonna anyway because my novel needs editing, my apartment needs cleaning, and I’m looking for anything and everything else to do but that. Weekend Edition is just a quick-shot look at a variety of topics that got skipped over during the week because they didn’t merit their own full post, or because something else time-sensitive took their place.

First, in a backtrack to this post, though: Look who’s trying to cover her bum, and this time with something other than a banner that reads “wide load”. Queerty’s blog just goes through excerpts of it, but Roseanne herself starts here in her own blog and keeps going. And going. And going, for entry after entry.

Defensive much, honey? After reading through all of that, I don’t know if I should smile and shake my head at how hard she’s trying to pull her foot out of her mouth, or roll my eyes at how quickly she’s managing to stick it deeper. Considering that I’ve got a bit of a temper myself and sometimes I say some rather sharp things off the cuff, I’m going to give Roseanne the benefit of the doubt - even if this means I pass up on so much good snarking material - and just acknowledge that she has the good grace to publicly apologize for her skidding trainwreck into tactlessness.

Moving on: why is this news and why do we care? Seriously, the NY Times must be having a slow news day when they can do that much coverage on social perceptions of cars as gay. (Neel over at HealthyBPM.com has a few thoughts on this, too.) Frankly I believe something like this deserves to be nationally publicized more - not to make that poor boy’s life even harder with a media spectacle, but to draw more attention to the sort of needless violence inflicted on people just for their sexual orientation. We’re raising our children to be hateful, and I think this incident highlights something that many people need to think about before they indoctrinate their children in a stance of bigotry: every person that you persecute, every person that you point a finger at, is someone else’s child. Every time that you hurt someone for being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered….you’re hurting someone’s son, daughter, brother, sister, friend. These aren’t just nameless objects, targets for your hatred towards a specific label. They’re people with families, friends, lives filled with loves and losses as deep and intricate as your own. How would you feel if someone targeted your family and friends that way?

Well. I wandered off on a philosophical tangent there, didn’t I? Let’s veer elsewhere for a bit. In other news, I’m not at all surprised that gay men are prone to eating disorders. Hell, I’m borderline anorexic, though in my case it’s less a disorder and more the fact that I keep myself so busy that I forget to eat. In most cases, though…eating disorders either come from psychological distress or from pressure about one’s body image. We’ve got more than enough of both in the gay community. Being gay itself in today’s culture is enough psychological stress to cause an eating disorder - whether it’s binge-eating for comfort (mmm, cheesecake) or nearly starving oneself in depressive fits where one just doesn’t think about eating. Body-consciousness just contributes to that stress; I don’t think there’s any other social niche where people are so hard on each other about their physical image save for the modeling industry. Your face could look like tire treads, but you’d better have a perfectly toned body or you ain’t gettin’ a date, honey.

Of course, that’s just a generalization; not everyone feels that way. I don’t feel that way. (Then again, I have strange tastes in what I think is cute in a man.) But there’s a vocal percentage who can be rather nasty towards anyone who doesn’t keep themselves in perfect shape, and it adds a lot of pressure and leads to starvation and overworking oneself to the point of collapse in the gym in order to keep up with the standards of being attractively gay. I won’t lie; I’m victim to it myself. I enjoy working out, but not enough to do it every day - and yet every morning I haul myself out of bed well before I really want to and drag myself off for an hour in the gym. Why? Not really for my health, and not really to attract anyone - yes, I’m recently single, but not really looking. I just feel compelled to, because there’s this voice in the back of my head that tells me that if I don’t, other gay men are going to look down their noses at me. I know I’m not the only one who gets that feeling, but I respond to it by working out rather than developing an eating disorder. It’s very similar to the sort of body-conscious and fashion-conscious competitiveness that takes place between social groups of women.

And moving on to other things: I still don’t understand how people supposedly so strongly in favor of peace and the love of their god can be so violent, and think that it’s somehow acceptable just because the victim is gay. Do they live in some kind of fantasy world where gay people aren’t real people? It’s like watching Frailty; gay people and GBLTQ supporters are actually demons in disguise, and I’m sure they think they’re doing their god’s work by attacking us. Sheesh. It makes about as much sense as any other explanation that I can think of. Seriously, would someone please explain to me how tackling a non-violent counter-protester is acceptable and reasonable? Maybe this guy can, since he’s Christian…but he’s got his own battles to fight. It’s got to take a lot of courage to walk back into that church after that.

Regarding yesterday’s post: I was surprised at the number of responses to the first Ask Adri column, both in comments (most I’ve had on any article so far without participating in the discussion myself), and in the number of people who sent in questions. If I do a new one M-W-F, I’m set for weeks on questions. I’m glad it seemed to be favorably received thus far, and we’ll see how it continues to go. If you’ve got a question, you know how to get in touch with me.

Now that I’ve wandered all over the news and other topics like an ADHD five-year-old - in other words my nephew, someone please sedate the adorable little spaz - it’s time for me to run away, strap on the rubber gloves (for cleaning, you perverts!), and tackle that weird…foamy film that builds up on the tile in the shower. ~squints at the bathroom wall~ What is that crap, anyway?

Anyone want a job as an underpaid housekeeper?

roseanne, roseanne barr, roseanne arnold, eating disorders, gay eating disorders, gay christians, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, gay cars

I would pick Friday the bloody 13th to start doing my Ask Adri column. Let’s hope this isn’t a portent of something ill-fated. My coffee pot’s already broken and I am not happy about it, so let’s pour the nasty instant coffee and see who’s the first to fall under the knife of this self-appointed gay issues advice columnist.

Hesitant friend wrote:

Dear Adrian,

Me, personally, I’m straight (and female). To my supreme annoyance, most of my male friends are gay. That’s not really an issue, though, past the random “why are the good ones never straight?” question. One of my friends is incredibly shy and new to the area, and he’s asked me to pretend to be his “date” to a local bar. Not the normal type of bar, of course, I wouldn’t mind that. This particular bar is well known to be the local gay/lesbian/crossdresser spot (not transgender… I don’t think).

Anyway, I know he’s cool, but I’m a little… mmmm… reluctant to go. For all that I have several gay male friends, I know almost no lesbians, and I’m hesitant about how they and the other people at this bar will react. It’s silly, I know, but still. Advice?

First off, honey, you misspelled my name - but I’ll forgive you for it this time. Next time I’m taking you to my stylist and telling her to give you a bright gold weave with purple streaks.

Second, I’m going to ignore the fact that several of the things you said are phrased in ways that would get you smacked upside your nappy little head if you were one of my straight friends.

All kidding aside: what are you afraid of? Straight women go to gay bars with their gay friends all the time, trust me. A lot of the straight women that I know prefer gay bars because they feel safer there with fewer straight male sleazes assuming that they’re there looking for sex. You won’t exactly be anything out of the ordinary.

Your exact concern isn’t wholly clear in your letter. From what I can tell you’re either A.) afraid that people (especially lesbians, from your commentary) will condemn you for invading where you don’t belong, B.) afraid that lesbians will hit on you, or C.) afraid that people will think you’re gay and rumors will start. So I’ll just address all three and hope that there’s something useful for you in there.

A.) First, believe it or not, lesbians are not these scary militant creatures who will attack you for being straight. Lesbians are women just like you and…uh…well, just like you. Yes, sometimes there is a sense of solidarity in the GBLTQ community involved with guarding against heterosexuals as the “outsiders”, but only in such cases where those heterosexuals are obviously and aggressively homophobic and we feel the need to close ranks and present a united front.

Friends are welcome to anyone regardless of sexuality, and in most cases supportive heterosexual friends are quite accepted in what some prefer to call “alternative” bars. Imagine what kind of crappy social life a lesbian or gay man would have if she or he had to exclude all their straight friends from outings just because they dared to be attracted to the opposite sex. As long as you don’t start bringing in the hetero legions to crowd out the gay element and turn it into a straight bar or start trying to feel up the gay guys there in your own rendition of a sexual assault case in the making, there shouldn’t be a problem.

Oh yeah. And don’t try to convert anyone, or start holy-rollin’ and telling all and sundry that they’re going to hell. That…wouldn’t go over very well.

Let’s not forget that you won’t be wearing a name badge that says “Hi, my name is _______, and I’m straight!” No one’s going to notice The Big Scary Hetero, or care. They’ll see you’re there with a friend and that’s all that’ll matter. You may get the occasional bad apples, and the conclusive feeling varies from person to person, but for the most part you’ll find everyone open-minded and accepting.

B.) Lesbians also aren’t raging hormone-balls that indiscriminately jump on anything with breasts and a va-hoo-hoo. Yes, you may be approached by other women, but they’re not exactly going to grope you. I’ve never understood why a lot of straight people assume that a homosexual cannot control his or her desires when within leg-humping range of a member of the same sex. (I’m not saying you think that; that’s just a pet peeve of mine, and you get to listen to me gripe about it.) There’s a matter of decorum, expressing interest, and waiting to see if interest is returned - same as in any straight bar. If another woman approaches you and expresses interest, just smile politely and tell her that you’re there with someone. For the most part you can be sure that she’ll respect that and back off like any other normal human being, and you can bask in the flattery of being attractive to other women.

C.) If you’re seriously afraid that rumors will spread about your sexuality, I have to ask: what’s so wrong with being gay that this would be traumatic? If you’re secure enough in yourself and your sexuality, then someone else’s wrong guess or a rumor that will die down eventually - and they always do - shouldn’t affect you at all. Forget about it. Be confident in who you are, and don’t worry that one night playing beard to your friend will have drastic repercussions.

The bottom line for all three of those answers is this: don’t worry about anyone else. If you’re going to go, go to have fun and be there for your friend; he’s nervous, asking you to go out on a limb for him, and will probably understand that you’re hesitant but hope you’re willing to take the plunge with him anyway. I’m sure he’ll understand if you’ve got a reason for not wanting to go, but he’ll probably be hurt if that reason is “I’m afraid the other queers won’t like me”.

Just have a good time. Trust me, after a few Long Island iced teas, you won’t care anyway. Enjoy yourself, and don’t get so drunk that you end up going home with the scariest skeeze in the bar and giving people something to really talk about.

Now, that’s just my opinion, from the POV of a gay man who doesn’t have a single problem with straight women in gay bars. For a different perspective, check out the opinion of a woman who’s been to plenty of gay bars, and may just understand your discomfort despite the fact that her experience has been with predominantly male environments. Maybe her example of a first-hand experience can give you a better idea of what to expect.

Love, luck, and gods I can’t stand lollipops,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

ask adri, gay life, gay social life, gay bars, gays with straight friends

Are you out and proud, or just out and loud? Being openly gay takes courage, confidence, and determination in a society currently divided by issues that revolve around the GBLTQ community, but even when you’re proud of your open stance it’s still possible to take things too far. Do you represent the gay community with class and sass, or is your behavior so obnoxious that we’ll just have to pass?

All right, I’ll leave the rhymes for those more talented with verse and address the real issue. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been to gay events and actually been embarrassed by the behavior of my cohorts - not because it was too “out there”, but because it was below the standards of decent public behavior that I’d expect out of anyone - gay, straight, bi, tri, whatever label you want to apply to yourself. Have we become so obsessed with saying “I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it” that we’ve forgotten how to act like mature, responsible human beings?

This issue comes up after Jamie’s comments to this post, wondering:

“My only question on the whole thing is why do some gays push the issue of being gay into everyones face? Its ranked right up there with the [Jehova's witnesses] that knock on your door.”

If I were anyone else I might have been offended by that question, but after sitting back and thinking about it I have to concede that she has a point. While we should never, ever be ashamed of who we are and we should always be willing to have the courage to put ourselves out there to be publicly, unflinchingly gay…there’s a delicate balance between courage and diplomacy, and a hell of a balancing act to keep both measured out equally so that courage doesn’t tip the scale down too heavily to dip into the sinking waters of obnoxiousness.

It’s a very fine line to walk, and a very tricky issue to even discuss. On one hand, if we aren’t loud and visible, people will never acknowledge that we exist, that we deserve recognition, and that we are valid and functioning members of society. On the other hand, how are we ever to be accepted as normal - just as normal as heterosexuals - if we’re constantly proclaiming and demonstrating how different we are from everyone else, with deliberate emphasis on the difference and public behavior that ranges from tacky to downright indecent?

This Catch 22 situation is one that faces us all, and unfortunately there’s no strict guideline that tells us when it’s okay to be flagrantly, aggressively out there, and when it’s not. If I’m with a group of straight people discussing their spouses and significant others, I’m not going to hold back from saying “my boyfriend” in joining in the discussion (or I wouldn’t if I had one, but the search for Mr. Right is a whole other issue that we’ll talk about some other day); it’s perfectly acceptable in heterosexual society for someone to mention their mate offhand and for it to be accepted without even a blink, and so I feel that I should have the same right to do so and that they should be able to just take it in stride. If I’m out with a group of my straight friends and we’re getting into a raging political debate at 3 a.m. in that dingy all-hours coffee shop that I can’t for the life of me figure out why we’re so enamored of, I’m not going to say “they” deserve equal rights when the topic of gay marriage comes up. I’m going to say that we deserve equal rights. I won’t hide who I am.

But at the same time, if I’m hanging out with a friend’s family (or even with my family, though that’d be a joke), I’m not going to interrupt a discussion about the latest movies to say, “So which movie stars do you think are gay? Because I’m gay. I think more movie stars should come out of the closet.” Do you see the difference there? On one hand, there’s topical relevance. On the other hand, there’s forcing one’s